Shitpants Esquire

A strange alien mantis that just wants to watch cartoons and make awesome chalk drawings for you... If he could stop eating the chalk, that is. Sidebar + header by thesoullessautomaton Icon by Waverlythetimid

[shitpantsesquire]

Wynsome graces a fellow bug with a tiny flower crown, nestled between his one normal antenna and the crooked, fucky one. There, now he really WAS the most beautiful dickweed of them all.

“I’M A BEAUTIFUL SUNFLOWER.”

[shitpantsesquire]

“SCREAMING PISSLORDS.”

[shitpantsesquire]

"FIGHT ME.”

[shitpantsesquire]

"твою мать!"

[shitpantsesquire]

Everyone's response to Shitpants re-emerging is

"Oh god/oh fuck/oh shit it's back."

[shitpantsesquire]

King Asscactus/Kenny Sexbang: There's Shitpants

King Asscactus/Kenny Sexbang: murderdeathsaladfork

King Asscactus/Kenny Sexbang: and Nightmare Noir

Zach: why such strange names

King Asscactus/Kenny Sexbang: because their owners are a 4'11" alcoholic ginger mechanic and a 6'0 gay incubus with an albino fetish

[shitpantsesquire]

How far can you jump?

"I DON'T KNOW." 

Runs to the kitchen and scurries up the cabinet. Positions self on the counter and leaps off, somehow managing to glide several feet before landing in a pile of... Um. Toilet brushes apparently.

The entire time, the mantis screech-sings the chorus of 'I Believe I Can Fly.'

[shitpantsesquire]

Where are all those noises coming from?

"INSIDE MY THINKING MEAT."

[shitpantsesquire]

Did you eat that last cookie on the counter?

"NEGATIVE, SERGEANT. IT WAS THE ONE-ARMED MAN."

[saltydogarchie-archive]

Archie scratched at his beard in pure confusion, really wondering what the hell he had gotten himself into.  It couldn’t be a Pokemon, they didn’t talk like humans did, but it just looked so….so unfortunate.

"So ye…aren’t a Pokemon.  Alrighty then.  But yer a bug, you say?  Where did ye come from, little fella?  Are ye lost?  Didja lose yer mommy or somethin’?"

[shitpantsesquire]

PFfpfplfplplfplfpllflff. 

There he goes, blowing a raspberry. Somehow, the mantis had a tongue. Best not to question it.

"YEP." Shitpants answered immediately. Without warning, he began to scurry right up the man's leg with surprising speed. He ended up on his shoulder, facing forward but one eye swirling around and ultimately focusing on Archie's face.

"RED MOMMY IS WITH THE NEIGHBOR. PURPLE MOMMY IS SLEEPING."

[rubusrosaceae]

Anti-honesty hour. Ask me anything and I will respond with blatant lies.

[shitpantsesquire]

"What are you even?"

"I'M SHITPANTS ESQUIRE."

[floristh]

ANONYMOUSLY (OR NOT) TELL ME YOUR HONEST OPINION ABOUT ME. I CAN’T REPLY, JUST PUBLISH.

[shitpantsesquire]

"COLORS ARE MUSIC FOR YOUR EYES."

[shitpantsesquire]

Nickname ' w'

"WIGGLE WORM AND DIGLETT."

[brittsmemes]

As Send me 'Nickname' for my muses nickname for yours

[shitpantsesquire]

"THERE WAS FUNNY SALAD IN THE SLEEP BOX. I ATE IT."