Important Announcement
May we have your attention. This is an announcement for Delta passenger Timothy Slater. Delta passenger Timothy Slater, please return to Gate K-47 to retrieve a lost item. Thank you.
Delta is paging passenger Timothy Slater. Passenger Timothy Slater, you have lost something at Gate K-47. Please see a Delta agent in Terminal K to retrieve your item. Thank you.
Once again, Delta is paging passenger Timothy Slater. Mr. Timothy Slater, please collect your lost item at Gate-K47. Again, that’s Delta passenger Timothy Slater. Thank you.
Passengers in Terminal K, if you happen to see Timothy Slater, please ask that he return to Gate K-47 to retrieve something that he has lost, which can be generally described as "his shit." Thank you.
Again, Delta is paging passenger Timothy Slater, who has lost his shit at Gate K-47. Thank you.
Passengers in Terminal K who may be on the lookout for Timothy Slater – if Mr. Slater needs a more detailed description to ensure he has, indeed, lost his shit, please let him know that this particular shit was first lost upon the arrival of flight number 1089 with nonstop service from Tampa. If that sounds familiar to Mr. Slater, please ask him to return to Gate K-47. Thank you.
Delta passengers, just to give a bit more context, in the event that you see Timothy Slater and can convey this important message: we here at Gate K-47 discovered that Mr. Slater had lost his shit as the other passengers on inbound flight 1089 deplaned the aircraft, and the two junior-most flight attendants stood cowering over the drink cart, choking back tears. You see, upon initial descent, Megan and then Morgan both kindly requested that Mr. Slater lift his window shade, a standard landing procedure. Rather than comply, Mr. Slater unfastened his seatbelt – despite the seat belt sign being very clearly illuminated – stepped into the aisle, leaned across the startled passengers in several other rows and forcefully closed their window shades, sat back down, and punched his own window shade so hard that the corner of its plastic handle broke off. Although recollections differ slightly among the other passengers aboard flight number 1089, Mr. Slater was believed to have shouted, “Window shades? I’ll give you fucking window shades!” to no one in particular.
So, again, we are asking that Delta passenger Timothy Slater please return to Gate K-47 to collect his shit, which he has lost. Thank you.
Delta passengers in Terminal K, if you do happen to run into Mr. Timothy Slater and he is still unsure about whether the shit that was lost was his shit or someone else’s shit, you can further clarify that after the unfortunate window shade incident, dear, forgetful Mr. Slater actually lost his shit for a second time at the arrival gate, Gate K-47. Specifically, it was lost after Mr. Slater stormed off the aircraft and over the jet bridge, past several families with small children – most of whom had never before heard so many variations of a relatively common profanity – through the arrival doorway, all the while pulling his Sharper Image 24-inch Razor Hardside Twister carry-on with such aggression that it was actually said to have floated above the ground. Mr. Slater stomped right up to the gate agent and demanded a full refund, since the flight was 25 minutes late due to a weather-related-incident and Mr. Slater had somewhere to be that was evidently more important than the 209 other passengers and 5 crew members aboard the Boeing 737-700 wide-bodied jet. And, when a refund was not approved, Mr. Slater up-ended the nearby mixed-recycling receptacle that is every bit as heavy as it looks.
If after hearing this important announcement, Delta passenger Timothy Slater suddenly recalls having lost his shit, please let him know that – by miracle of miracles – it has been found and can be safely returned to him at Gate K-47. Thank you.
Passengers in Terminal K, just one final plea. If you do see Delta passenger Timothy Slater, please encourage him to return to Gate K-47, where he has unfortunately lost his shit.
In the event that Mr. Slater needs more specific directions to Gate K-47, you can tell him that it’s exact same location where he kicked the arrival counter, which, because it’s made of reinforced concrete with painted laminate siding, hurt his foot more than anything else. It’s also the same location that poor old Mr. Slater lost his shit for a third and final time, yelling some nonsense about the Better Business Bureau and storming off in the general direction of public transportation because, in his own words, not even a taxi could get him where he needed to be fast enough.
So, Delta passengers, be on the lookout for Mr. Timothy Slater, who has lost his shit at Gate K-47. Please let him know that we here at Delta would like to make sure it is returned to him in the same condition in which it was found.
Thank you for your attention to this important announcement.