Simplicity
I sit here today, wondering, why I am where I am today, and how I got here. God knows Iāve came far, Iāve made mistakes, but Iāve also made some sacrifices. Iāve learned and let my lessons lead me into the same traps again, but this time around everything is so different. I use the word ārawā like 50 different times a day, but Iāve come to use it in a completely different way as of late. Iāve been through my first time, where I experience letting go of things, people, In a raw emotions sort of state. I donāt think I even knew how to handle myself, before drugs and alcohol were definitely my way out of thinking, but without all that in my life anymore, Iāve been forced to think, and find my way out the right way. With real hopes, that one day, Iāll get what Iāve been waiting for my whole life, and actually deserve it. This past year, my life has changed, starting with becoming raw, it changed my mental status, my way of thinking and maybe thatās why I had to cut a lot of past ties. I can think clearly, of whatās right and wrong. My judgement is not clouded. I can really feel hope, not just a blind faith, but actual hope and understanding that things will fall into place. Iām spending this year on me. For as long as I can remember, Iāve been letting other people validate me, and when that was done with I felt like a nothing. Iām not a no one. Iām accomplished, and Iāve redeemed myself in my very own eyes. I want to trust myself, and love myself, and be able to comfort myself before I let someone walk in to share those moments with me. Itās like a new start, I feel like a new person, and I know things will be ok. Iām kick starting my journey with my trip to Tybee island, where Iām just going to catch up with myself. Kayaking, studying on the beach, hiking, and finding foodie raw vegan finds. Iāll learn to live on my own, and enjoy myself before I ever invite anyone into my life again. Happiness is not the destination, it is the path. I do feel vulnerable sometimes, but I am human, and itās going to happen, whatās important is how I handle the situations. I want to live again. I was just thinking about my liveliness before the world took its toll on me, Iām going to bring myself back to full of life, and values.
The hardest part is being able to have friends, who will be there no matter what. Iāve got a couple of those, but the people that know me the most, I guess Iāve either hurt or they are simply in a mindset of a child, and it really hurts looking into their eyes, or not, simply wanting a friendship, and knowing you donāt even deserve one. Iām glad to have friends who check up on me, and call me just to say how great Iām doing with my changes, and how Iām totally rocking taking control of things, but as my mind grows, I feel like a lonely soul, with really no one to talk to, maybe still Iām expecting the wrong things from myself. I hope I figure things out, but thatās exactly what Iāve planned my next year around, kicking off with Tybee island, going to India to get myself out of my comfort zone on the mission trip, and getting myself busy with boards, and y physical goals. I canāt say I want to drop anymore pounds seeing as in about 2 pounds Iāll be considered underweight at 98 pounds, but I sure do want some rock hard abs. And, with boards and CLET and all these impossible classes coming up, I just want to see myself focus and drive myself to carve my career as much as I can in this last year.
Wow Iāve been really off track, but point is, It took me 24 years to get to know how to find myself, Iām not losing myself now.