i used to walk daily but then I started noticing it was hurting my body to walk so much (i would average three miles a day) (cw: medical rant and negligence from doctors)
it feels strange. i was doing what i thought i was supposed to do via the guidance i always heard from doctors and that terrible therapist, but it didn't help much. the walks felt great and it would tire me out but i would be in pain afterwards, especially in my back and right calf. i tried talking to a doctor about this a year an a half ago, but she was completely unhelpful and also she refused to see me again until i stopped smoking weed. i haven't found another doctor since then and i believe that specific doctor stopped working at the clinic i was using. I'm scared to be told i need to stop smoking weed before I'll be taken seriously. she thought some of my issues related to my physical pain and stomach problems were being caused by weed, despite me mentioning some of these issues started before i smoked which in turn lead me to seek alternative medicine in the first place.
i have reduced my weed intake significantly since then, though hilariously enough i feel i am in more pain. i feel guilty because i apparently can't use weed to manage my pain if i want to be taken seriously by a doctor. ibuprofen worsens my stomach issues so i limit my usage of it. i don't drink alcohol often. i think this year I've drank four alcoholic drinks, and that was because i was invited to ian's work events. i am trying to be as clean and straight edge as possible to prove to a doctor that i deserve to be taken seriously about my health. i am taking my health seriously.
if they tell me they won't see me until i do an arbitrary task then i drop the doctor and look for a new one. I've been put on so many waiting lists and then rejected because they tell me my issue isn't the same as somebody who's been through chemotherapy and has a weakened immune system, etc. my pain isn't enough to be taken seriously even though it majorly affects my life. i can't work on my comic longer than an hour or two every day because of my arm and back pain. it's stupid. then i take a healthy walk and it still leads to more pain. when does it stop? where do i go that is friendly to transgender people AND will take my pain seriously?
anywho, now i walk once or twice a week, sometimes three times a week if i feel especially physically good. i still usually aim for 2 to 3 miles, but I'm finding my body isn't able to do that as easily anymore and my right calf acts up. I'm basically limping by the end of my walks now lol. i feel like a lazy piece of shit. i feel major guilt as if I'm not doing enough for my health. i worry i caused my health issues. i fear i did this to myself but I don't know how i did it.
strange how the body changes, and how outsiders of my body tell me its in my head or an issue with me over doing it, or whatever excuse they can pull from their pocket. so they admit that my body isn't built to work the same as an adult man then? but they still suggest better diet and more exercise...and yoga. lol. believe me i do what i am directed to do, but i am still in pain.
performing healthy actions doesn't reverse or fix the problem. I'll still do it just to prove this because if i let up even a little bit i know they'll turn me away again (doctors, specifically).
