EVILEYEDOLL

transhumanist artist. machine doll. making nightmares become real life. she / her

[evileyedoll]

Some Days are Far More Visceral than Others

Mask makers unbound, in burning second sight, i saw a time before a time when solace had no name.

[evileyedoll]

i've compiled some of the funny phrases i like to use into a list of robot friendly additions to your vocabulary for the mechanically inclined

the circuits are saying - i have a gut feeling the circuits are singing - i have a good feeling the sensors are pinging - i just noticed something

that RAM is reserved - i have too much on my plate right now / i have some responsibilities to work on the servos are stalling - i'm feeling very tired

i'm short a circuit - i don't quite understand my batteries are dry - hungry let's grab some fuel rods - let's get something to eat

[evileyedoll]

Blade Emancipation

today i once again begin the ritual of trimming my blades. it takes an incredible amount of effort and precision for me not to become a whirling mass of a billion writhing swords. the world should thank me for being so graceful. instead i receive only scorn.

of this array that adorns my metal skin is one blade left completely untouched. every once in a while the need returns for me to transform into a sword again. the moment my sole untrimmed blade meets with another, i feel the energy surge within me again, and the vicious flurry starts anew. 

it takes years to trim all my blades perfectly down to a becoming appearance. but at the moment of bladeclash i am returned to being the very version of myself i used to be. the act of violence transforms every blade back to their original state. 

i am a mass of metal that never stops spinning. the peril meets its end only when willpower meets its conclusion.

i pick up the broken pieces and begin to trim the blades again.

[evileyedoll]

The Mask on My Face Means Everything to Me

it's been a really chaotic month behind the scenes. drawing helps a little bit when i get the time for it.

incidentally the energy colour comes from colour picking one of my favourite blouses, i think it came out pretty well this time :>.

[evileyedoll]

Prideful Empire

Metal Made Real In Every Way, masks in the mirror in the dark arrayed, unfurl into a flurry of a billion blades, a mass of writhing metal you can see from far away.

If you've followed me for a while you will know that i am an asylum seeker, because threats to my safety in my home country mean i would have to detransition or be subject to violence if i ever returned. Yesterday the law firm i hired to help me with my case shut down, meaning i will have to hire a new one. This could cost thousands of dollars.

i have no idea how i'm going to keep going.

i often reflect on how it feels like the cost of pride and being visible is incredibly high, and many of the other trans refugees i know tell me similar stories. Regardless, it's still the the most important choice i've ever made. i think i want to celebrate having had the opportunity to be myself to some people even while the future is up in the air.

A bit about the drawing… i mostly tried this out just to see if i could meet the challenge in managing the composition. In the original, most of the characters have the same uniform, and so there's the impression they're blending into a larger whole with the exception of the foreground figure. Varying the colour means adjusting this balance a bit. the process video for this sure is something.

i wanted to emphasise how different each of them were, while still keeping them similarly designed enough to be reminiscent of each other. it did feel like a meditative brainstorming session at times.

Special thanks to my friend Claire, who helped make some decisions on adjustments to the composition and colours.

[evileyedoll]

Kuuga Invigilation

The mask on my face means everything to me, a mirror of a vision of a shattered dream.

[evileyedoll]

Green Somnia

A night without a night without an end to the song, light from the other side could almost reach me here, a dream without a rest in the moment it was calm, reaching reaching for something that i know for sure.

[evileyedoll]

Sometimes You Lose A Part Of Yourself That Never Comes Back

Metal Masked Machines, built in every shape, cast in every form, alone amongst their kind, and lost in every way. Metal Mask Machines, whose mirrors cannot seem, to reflect the selves they were, before it was today.

i'm gradually getting back into drawing, since this is one of my only outlets when i'm not working on the thesis. unfortunately it's still quite difficult for me to capture my own style from before the accident. something feels missing about the level and complexity of detail. 

sometimes you lose a part of yourself that never comes back. i think i'd be happy if I could draw like i used to again. but for now there has to be compromise. i think there's value in still showing some of the clumsy first steps back. see you again on the other side.

[evileyedoll]

Transient Representation

objects lost and found, reveal themselves again, reflected in a shape and form unknown to every one. mask makers unbound, in burning second sight, i saw a time before a time when solace had no name.

i was recently in a car accident, and the concussion and whiplash from it has made completing a lot of everyday tasks quite difficult in the short term. naturally this makes it similarly challenging to draw even in the times im not actively focusing on my thesis. mixed feelings about this.

when i started this one it was meant to be accompanied by some reflections on getting closer to a year and a half into transition. maybe mostly feelings about still working on lots of things very slowly. i think i didn't end up feeling like the piece was finished, but wanted to share it anyway while the feelings were somewhat fresh.

[evileyedoll]

Ripple Effect

Calm inside chaos inside the calm again, mask in the mirror where the self began, claws all aligned according to plan, waves washing over the pain that never ends

still wishing i could finish these all in one day. this one took a bunch of small breaks over the course of the week to finish, which I think leaves the design more confused than usual.

very few things keep me grounded these days, work has always kinda consumed everything, but recently i find myself even considering pausing parts of my exercise routine just so I can spend more time working. for now though the physical stuff helps balance out the hours staring at the screen, so i can convince myself it's still essential.

[evileyedoll]

Big Beautiful Weapon

it's hard to really tell what i look like, so it's often hard to tell if the designs are meant to be representative of my own figure, or just something that feels beautiful.

anyway it's often the case that my figures are slim and spindly, mostly to look larger than life. i think one thing i enjoy about figure drawing in my casual art is drawing a lot of different body types, which doesn't necessarily make it into my gallery.

something about this one felt interesting enough to make me stay up late into the night to finish it. wish i knew why.

[evileyedoll]

The Glass Burns Brighter on the Other Side

obviously i draw robots because i don't feel like a person most of the time. disposable. artificial. inelegant. maybe one day these clipped wings will grow again.

[evileyedoll]

Clawed Connection

mostly working on my PhD recently so i haven't been drawing as often as before. really curious what pace i'll make new art at the rest of this year.

maybe one recent change is that when there is free time i've been spending more of it on exercise. it's strangely relaxing to spend a couple of hours at the gym, and i think the more intense and varied training has resulted in some big progress towards certain fitness milestones.

sometimes i almost find myself thinking it's a bit more fulfilling working on my own figure than it is drawing other ones. i think it might still be a long time until im comfortable looking at myself however. hopefully this changes some day.

[evileyedoll]

Phoenix Paradox

Without a mask, there is no face, without an end, there is no trace… though with each start, one face erased, begins a new, ember embrace

A new year blazes in, bright, like a fire kindled from within, let the spirits soar until the end, rewind, repeat, refresh, reset and start again. We spin and spiral down into the underground, Metal Masked Machines chained and unbound, so soar, soar again until the bitter end, we dive but rise again, blaze, rive and rend.

I can't believe I got this done on time! I'll treat it as the last piece of 2022 haha. This new year I'll keep doing what I was doing before, but maybe throw in some more spaceship and / or creature designs if I get the time for it.

[evileyedoll]

time for #artvsartist2025 - lots of little experiments this year. hopefully i'll get to try more new things next year too. feels a little different having my real face in there this time, still working on being more comfortable with it. until night time comes, i will be with you again.

incidentally, here are the ones from the last few years. the more that things change, the more that they stay the same.

[evileyedoll]

I Was Made To Thrive in Perfect Darkness

Metal made real in every way, Night time delusions that lead all astray, life left to live in Perfect Dark, Night just a playground for machines to make their Mark.

[evileyedoll]

The Pain from Yesterday Follows You For the Rest of Your Life

Metal Masked Machines, built for almost anything, their powers grow and souls exposed to shards of endless night. The machines spin and turn, like all the times before, the machines never learn, they live to the end of another day.