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Why The Notebook showed us the worst relationship, like ever.

How many times have you seen a romantic movie scene and wished it was you? If you’ve ever seen The Notebook, there were probably a lot of those moments. Feeling like you so badly want those things to happen to you, but then remembering the generation that you're living in. Your Tinder match could never. Most settle for the label of being a ‘hopeless romantic’. But is this true? Are you really hopeless for wanting to experience the simple things of love? 

The purpose of my blog series will be to explore different opinions on the expectations we hold for our romantic relationships, and if these are truly realistic. All the movies we have grown up watching showed us things that we never thought would stick in our heads. Throughout our lives some of these things have built an idea in our mind of what romance and dating should look or feel like. Whether we notice it or not, the media influences a large part of our ideals of life. We find ourselves just waiting and waiting and waiting for these ideas to come into reality. 

And as we all know, a huge part of popular culture in the media focuses on relationship and love expectations. Between unrealistic expectations and realistic yearnings for more, this can get confusing. 

#chivalry is not dead # love is blind

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What is love?

I will tell you one thing, it is not like your favorite rom-com.

The media portrays so many unrealistic ideas of how relationships work. Movies show perfect, fairytale versions of what it is to fall in love. The first moment they laid eyes on each other, the anticipation of seeing them again, and then the big fight and makeup in the rain that leads them to happily ever after. Movie after movie after movie, that's the storyline right? 

Love experts hate romantic movies.

If you ask them why, they could probably charge you for an entire couples therapy session just to explain everything that is completely wrong with movies like The Notebook.  

“most average couples are nothing like that. We are humans, we are fallible. Love is imperfect because we are.”- psychotherapist, Gupreet Singh. 

Idealized love is the issue here.  Having any kind of idea of how you want to fall in love with someone, is already the first mistake. Love should not be viewed as a once-in-a-lifetime, breezy and beautiful, sweeping-off of the feet kind of experience. 

If you think about it, Cupid is just not that kind of guy. He never was. There's a reason he shoots arrows at your behind. You would never see it coming.  

Real-life humans will have real-life flaws that are not depicted in movies. The media tends to skip over these rough parts. It focuses on the smoothness of Noah’s idea to hang from a Ferris wheel to make Allie go out with him. This only creates an imperfect image of what to expect in a significant other. I know I don’t have that kind of strength and agility, that's for sure.

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The perfect partner does not exist.

The man himself, Ryan Gosling, agrees that The Notebook is an unrealistic idea of a love story. Despite being THEE unforgettable face of the most romantic movie in all of history, he is not afraid to say that love is deeper than running into each other's arms or pretending to be birds at the beach... 

“God bless The Notebook. It introduced me to one of the great loves of my life. But people do Rachel and me a disservice by assuming we were anything like the people in that movie.”(Ryan Gosling).

Through his own trials and turbulence -I mean tribulations- in relationships, he knows that even with a girl like Allie, love is a lot more complicated than what it seems.

This proves that even the people who have a hand in creating this media which shows unrealistic standards, can agree with us that it is not an accurate depiction of reality. 

Movies are meant to be perfect stories. They have one goal of making their audience feel a certain type of way. And that is achieved through sticking to a plot line that works out in the end.

“No real relationship consists only of the good times, and Millennials are losing sight of this. It has become common to idolize these couples as ‘relationship goals.’ ”(Hannah Schmanske). 

‘Relationship goals’ is a toxic term within itself. The idea of setting your own relationships goals dependent on relationships around you is not very smart. Especially when you scroll through apps like Instagram all day. 

These social media platforms are made for flaunting and showing off the finest things in life. If you and your partner were to try to reach these ‘goals’ , it would suck the life and love out of both of you. Even the greatest loves include imperfections.

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Online vs Real Life

Social media and online dating has added to the false ideas of relationships.

The internet allows you to compare your life to others, and easily create a false sense of expectations. It also shows you everything you are missing. FOMO for a relationship? That can be a real thing. 

“A healthy relationship is not created by constantly posting your love for one another. Love is not based on followers or likes. Not everything seen on a screen is reality.”(Hannah Schmanske)

It is not the real thing. Social media is made for creatively displaying the best moments of our lives. Which is exactly how someone would design their dating profile. Best moments are front and center.

This leaves current society with an entirely new factor that plays a huge role in dating norms.

Swiping left and right? You are essentially deciding who to start a lifelong connection with based on the judgment you make of them in a split second of flipping through their photos and maybe a sentence or two in their bio.

According to a study done by Pew Research about the impacts of online dating, “71% of online daters report that it was at least somewhat easy to find people on dating sites or apps that they found physically attractive, while about two-thirds say it was easy to find people who shared their hobbies or interests or seemed like someone they would want to meet in person. “ (Pew Research).

Although online dating makes it easier to find people around you, it might not really be that much more effective in helping you truly connect with these people. In 2013, only 3% of online dating app users reported that they had entered into long-term relationships with someone they met online(Pew Research). Why not take that chance in real life? 

There are many reasons why not everyone utilizes dating apps. Whether to avoid hook-up culture, the danger of harassment through apps, or simply because of the fatigue that comes from swiping and chatting for so long. It is not for everyone. But this still affects our expectations of love. It is undeniable the change that online dating has brought to the social world.

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Conclusion

It’s not fake, but it is definitely not 100% real.

Popular media can foster unrealistic expectations of relationships.

Everyone likes to watch The Notebook even though it is nothing close to their real life romantic relationships. Its nice entertainment and good day dreaming material.

Just be careful of flying too high, and forgetting your expectations up there.

These portrayals of romance in the media are not the most reliable source to set your standards on. You've got to consider the realistic side of people and how they function in relationships. Although we hate to accept it, it can be an unhealthy view of love.

Do not completely crush your hopes for romance, but keep in mind the difference between media and reality. I wish you all the best in all your love affairs and romantic endeavors, stay open-minded and try not to set yourself up for heartbreak!

Works Cited

Anderson, Monica, et al. “The Virtues and Downsides of Online Dating.” Pew Research Center: Internet, Science & Tech, Pew Research Center, 2 Oct. 2020, https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/02/06/the-virtues-and-downsides-of-online-dating/.

Bruch, Elizabeth E, and M.E.J. Newman. “Aspirational Pursuit of Mates in Online Dating Markets.” ScienceAdvances, Science Advances, 8 Aug. 2018, https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.aap9815.

Pavone, Barbara. “Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams Proved Real Love Is More Romantic than Movies.” Goalcast, 29 Apr. 2021, https://www.goalcast.com/ryan-gosling-and-rachel-mcadams-proved-real-love-is-more-romantic-than-movies/.

Schmanske, Hannah. “Unrealistic Expectations of Love.” The University Star, 17 Sept. 2020, https://www.universitystar.com/opinions/unrealistic-expectations-of-love/article_de77aace-eaf1-5755-9175-d6e27cb2ccca.html.

UK, Harper's BAZAAR. “Why Relationship Experts Hate 'the Notebook'.” Harper's BAZAAR, Harper's BAZAAR, 11 Oct. 2017, https://www.harpersbazaar.com/uk/culture/culture-news/news/a43237/notebook-unrealistic-experts/.