ava

Mgmt blog 50% of the time and personal diary for the other 50%

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last year in like september after i had met my boyfriend and had a big fat crush on him i would write about it here, stuff like venting about how i was nervous to work with him or how excited i was to find out he liked me back. anyways just another update before college cause why not :)) we are still together! been together for like ten months or so! and here is some art i made of us in his room <3

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Finally time for this to see the light day!! only been two years since i drew that shit

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i totally should take better photos of these but it’s ok!!! Just wanna finally post them so ya mgmt at Coachella and also the Glastonbury festival in 2008!! plus refs :3

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More mgmt art from my sketchbook + some of the references this time and also a random trigonometric proof xx

Some of these are referenced from low quality ass pics from high school and early college!! That’s why they’re kinda bad yeah for sure that’s the reason

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I was talking to my sister this morning before I looked at my Spotify wrapped and I was like it’s gonna be funny if more than one of the songs on my top 5 are mgmt like imagine if all 5 are mgmt haha but that’s not gonna happen I definitely listened to other songs like there’s no way it’s gonna be all mgmt. IT’S ALL MGMT!!!! What I like about Spotify wrapped is that it’s like a receipt for my mental illness like yes finally here is the evidence that this shit took over my life

Love mgmt tho <333333 but oml I really thought there’d be more variety my wrapped is just completely mgmt

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More mgmt art lalala

The drawings on the first page are referenced from images of the band performing at the KROQ Weenie Roast (bahah) in 2008 in Irvine California, and the drawings on the second page are just referenced from two specific avwg fits from various occasions I thought would be fun to draw!!

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I just got back from New York earlier today and have a few things to talk about following up of previous things I’ve discussed so I’m just gonna chat for a little before I go to bed! NEW YORK WAS VERY FUN!! I had a great time obviously, like usual. There’s something just so festive about just getting to eat dinner with and talk to adults in fancy restaurants, that was one thing I liked. Also visiting college was cray-cray, I visited Wesleyan which was like the main thing I was excited about for this trip/the reason I planned and organized. It was like a last hurrah in terms of me humoring the idea of attending, at the end of the day, KU is the most reasonable option for me and has what I need. Would’ve been fun to go somewhere artsy where I would end up in New York tho …. yknow who knows where I’ll end up some day, it’s not like I’ll be tied to Lawrence or anything. To be totally honest, even tho I was excited about it cause of videos like mgmt performing this must be the place at Wesleyan, and cause of all the interviews I’ve read where they talked about the school, I don’t feel let down that I won’t be going there. It just felt too small, and wasn’t kicking with the kinda energy I thought it might be in my head yknow? Which is a good thing, so I’m not tempted to go there, but the place just is quite estranged. I’m sure there is cool stuff going on there, but it’s not a tourist attraction per say. We also walked around Yale and HOLYYY damn I didn’t even know places could like that, the fall leaves were beautiful and the buildings were amazing, such a great Harry Potter academic fall vibe going on. Also I’ve been thinking about Diego a lot lately. I mean since September, august even, but October he’s just been on my mind so much. We’ve gone on a couple dates but we aren’t formally dating or anything, even tho the other day this guy asked Diego “you with your girl?” and he said “maybeee” and we giggled :))))) I WANNA BE HIS GIRL OR SOMETHINF!!!!! Sorry for being cringey and stuff I just like him a lot. We haven’t even kissed or anything even though I’ve liked layed against him and he’s had his arm like around me. Ahhh there’s just like that tension and anticipation that’s so fun but also stressful. I thought he was just nervous cause I was kinda the one initiating stuff, but today my sister let me know apparently he hasn’t so much cause he knows it’s my first relationship and he doesn’t want to scare me off, which is sweet. Soooo I’m just waiting, and it’s easy to be doubtful cause I’ve been very non-concrete when talking about our relationship or whatever, but I do think that one of these days he’s gonna be my first kiss and all that and I just like him a lot and it’s a weird feeling. I never have crushes very often or anything, like I wouldn’t even say I had a definite crush since like 7th grade or something??????? Which is fucking insane, and yeah there have been people I’ve been like “interested in” but not like real adoration like a crush or anything, so to be liking Diego so much and have him like me to just has been kinda surreal. It has me in like awe yknow, the feeling of butterflies but along with the knowledge that he feels the same. It’s so corny ik especially for being a senior in high school and stuff, but I’m just excited and whatever. God. He bought me tea cause I told him I had been sick and he brought me back a pocket knife from California with my name on it :). And I’ve been carving beads for a bracelet for his birthday since like September technically if I’m being honest. I work with him tomorrow and I hope we can do something after work!! The future is beautiful yknow?? Lovely things are to come?? And I like him so much?

So I’m excited because I think at some point I will know, things will be concrete, we’ll be dating🤞 and all, but right now everything is tentative like this little kiddish mystery crush thing. it’s fun to not know, to be scared to reach out to him. Whatever right now is or means, I like it and it’s sweet and I want to appreciate it :)

He played this song on the way to the dance when we were driving out of downtown kc and the lights were so pretty and I felt so excited and tingly just to be sitting next to him, which has been an enduring feeling lol

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Hoco last night with Diego :)))))))))

dreams coming true or some shit I guess 💕💕🤧 this is so corny but I’m just excited gaaah

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MY SISTER JUST CALLED ME AT WORK AND TOLD ME THAT DIEGO LIKES ME BACK!!!!!! Bro this is fucking crazy cause literally like a week ago I was losing my shit about this. And yesterday night I told my parents I was going to Emma’s house but actually we all went to Luke’s house and Diego and some stonery people I didn’t know were there and I didn’t really get to talk to Diego he just talked the the stoner people while I talked to my friends and Luke so I was worried I was too dorky for him or something or he just wouldn’t go for me. But Kate hung out with Maggie (who is close with Diego) today and apparently told her I like Diego (bitch) and Maggie said Diego said he thinks he’s like developing a crush on me or has been since we talked at that party which is like exactly how I’ve felt. Man I was just talking to my friend Cecilia like yesterday about how I wished I could take him to Homecoming. And I’m not saying that’s necessarily going to happen, I have no fucking clue where this is gonna go, but I’m just really happy. Like just walking around the ice cream store smiling. Goooooood that shit is crazy. I’m just so excited

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I’m just kinda freaking out in the car cause I’m excited about a bunch of things so I’m gonna get it out of my system by writing about it or else I’ll probably puke or something. The major incitement of this physically taxing feeling of anticipation is the fact that this guy I kinda like called Diego just started working at the same ice cream store I do and I’m working with him on Wednesday. I’ve known of him for a while because my friend Emma’s boyfriend Luke (not Luke from camp) is friends with him and some of my work friends are also part of that friend group, but I went to a party at one of my coworkers houses a few weeks ago and I talked with him for the first time while I was there and it was nice. And he’s just so cute like uggggh I’m just anxious and butterflies or whatever. So that’s very much on my mind and right now I’m listening to a lot of loud good music to cope and channel this excitement into something happy so that it doesn’t get too close to just straight up painful anxiousness🤙. Also I’m on like a 4 hour car trip right now after camping for 2 nights in a row and I’m driving for another 7 hours tomorrow so I’m just in a slightly weird mind space. Also, more stuff I’m excited about is just plans for the next couple months with my friends. Last fall was super fucking fun and we did a lot of great stuff and also went to more parties than I was used to and part of the general fun-ness was because Luke who I mentioned tagged along with my friends for a lot of it and that dynamic is just good, so I’m hoping maybe we can pull Diego into some stuff this fall maybe since he and Luke are close?? Idk I gotta stop talking about Diego or imma be sick but fall will be fun either way cause homecoming is coming up, we’re going to the Ren fest soon, pumpkin patches, Halloween costumes, scary movies, great weather, Halloween parties ITS JUST GONNA BE GOOD!!! Also on an mgmt related note I’m visiting New York with my family at the end of October and I’m going to tour Wesleyan while I’m there!!! Which is super great because New York is amazing and I’ve never been there in the fall so it’ll be incredible regardless, but Wesleyan is also a big part of why I’m excited. I had an excruciating phase in the spring where I actually lowkey really wanted to go to Wesleyan even tho I knew it was totally impractical and expensive, and luckily I don’t really want to attend Wesleyan anymore, but touring will be nice closure like fully getting it out of my system. Like I’m glad I’m pretty set on going to KU, but there’s obviously a part of me that would’ve loved to go to an artsy school far from home and end up in New York, it was a fun idea to entertain at least. So yeah, late September and October are gonna be great and I’m just at one of those points in my life where I have a lot of stuff to look forward to and that’s great!1!!1! I’m high on life baby!!!!🤙🤙🤙🤙 jk but njk. LETS GO!!!!!!!!!

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I think I’ll just post some of my art here whenever I feel like it hooray (some of it sucks so sorry)

P.s. shoutout if you know any of the photos these are referenced from🫶🫶

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Rare MGMT contact sheets, Ben and Andrew photographed in 2008 by Ray Lego !

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CAMP CONCLUSIONS: Engineering camp was so damn fun! Who would’ve thought! Teenagers just like to party it up and pick up girls and guys and fuck with each other and fuck around with each other, even the supposed dorks. And listen, I don’t believe the pursuit of popularity or looking cool are worth following, but being at engineering camp, I felt cool and competent and hot! It’s just in settings like that, five day stuff where you can’t just sit back and be solitary, you have to be out there and talking and starting conversations, where things run fast and exciting, even if it’s stressful. It’s like we were higher up on the food chain, but it wasn’t like Shawnee Mission East where being popular means being a rich white country club kid. I mean if it was Naga, Saranya, me, Jonny, Anirudh, Nik, Mortar, Tyrese, Hart, and Braxton, that’s three Indian kids, two black kids, a wasian kid, and four white kids. There’s no point in counting it up, I don’t know, but it was just so different from East, in a really fun and exciting way.

I HAD TEENAGER EXPERIENCES! I WAS A YOUNG DUMB AEROSPACE ENGINEERING SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD IN THE PRIME OF MY LIFE!!! I snuck out of my dorm and flirted with boys at engineering camp! The irony is palpable! The diversity of my experiences was glorious! I learned about supersonic aerodynamics! I caught sick touchdowns with the frat boys! I flew drones! I ran down hallways fleeing authority! I walked through wind tunnels! I flirted with French boys! I built airplanes!! I played never have I ever with virgins and potheads and surfers and dorks! I’m just glad I did it, there were so many laughs and sweet moments that I never would have felt if I hadn’t stepped out of my comfort zone. I proved to myself that I was totally capable of doing it, and doing it well, with some good luck on my side of course.

Now I’m back home, I experienced summer camp withdrawal and I freaked out and cried and lost my shit a little because I guess that’s what sneaking out at 2:45 and waking up at 6:50 does to you. I’m sad because I don’t want to take out the little braids that I’ve had in my hair all week, I don’t want to take the bandaids off my heels either. And I hope that all the muscles in my legs just stay sore, I don’t want the feeling to go away. There’s a pen I accidentally stole from Jonny sitting on my dresser. It’s weird how I would sort of hear people’s voices and see their faces when I was trying to fall asleep at camp because I was so used to having them around me all the time. And I still can perfectly imagine Jonny’s voice, and the freckles on his face and the one on his right ear, and his smile, and Naga’s voice and his teeth and the annoyed faces he would make, and Saranya’s smile and her voice when she said something soft, and Ani’s voice and his face when he said something clever or made people laugh, and Tyrese’s voice and his braces and smile, and the way Mortar would hold his eyebrows and mouth in that excited way when telling a story, and Nik’s smile and his scowl. I would be in bed at camp and wake myself up a little cause I could imagine the way all their voices said “Ava”, I’d hear it sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. I mean seriously these people were really just living in my mind. It was just a tight little community for a very small amount of time. How is it over? How is everyone back in their houses with their regular lives? Did they all really have some of the greatest days of their summers’ at camp this week? I mean I did, so I do believe the instagram captions lol. It’s just so strange going back to my home where I pluck my eyebrows and watch Succession and have the time to listen to instagram reels and flip through my sketchbook. It’s good of course, but such a change of pace. It’s been a weird day, I really miss them. It feels so separated from my normal life, like the two can’t coexist, which is probably why my already dysfunctional brain got fried seeing my parents inside the lecture hall. I’m gonna stop being sad now I think. It’s probably over dramatic and stuff, I just didn’t think I’d be so beat up over leaving. Forced proximity is wild huh, maybe it does that to you. Meeting people and saying bye to people. IM NOT USED TO HAVING TO SAY BYE TO PEOPLE!! I DONT STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE CAUSE I RARELY START BEING FRIENDS WITH THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE!! I dont know. Hopefully I’m just sad because there’s still something wrong with my brain, but it’s okay. I’m just happy I decided to go to camp in the end.

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ENGINEERING CAMP DAY 6: Today was the last day of camp, with the checkout time being around 2:30. I woke up at 6:50 and did not sleep excellently obviously since I probably fell asleep at like 4 and was woken up by light and stuff. So I got up and packed up my stuff and me and my roommate took our sheets downstairs and then I went to Mrs. E’s. I was the first one there today probably because others were still packing up but Nik and Saranya and arrived and when Nik was gone Saranya asked me “isn’t he fine?” to which I said I agreed and it was like obviously she wasn’t going to make a move but she joked especially much with him today about her annoying him and him bullying her and she asked “are we like this?” (and did this-🤞 ) many times. I also talked with Nik about sneaking out and stuff and how I got caught a second time and that whole thing. Colin and then Jonny arrived and it was slightly silly at first but there was a shared sentiment that there wasn’t really a real reason to be mad at Jonny, I said like “so is Naga mad because Jonny hung out with some girls?” and Nik and people were like agreeing that it was dumb. After breakfast we went outside to wait until it was time to go to our lecture and we met Jake and Tyrese and some people and eventually Naga arrived and Jonny and Naga were standing sort of near each other and Jonny was like smiling and I was smiling and made eye contact with him and finally he asked Naga if he was still mad or something and Naga said that it was fine but he just didn’t want to talk to him (in a lighthearted way though, he wasn’t thatserious). At lecture I really was crashing, so fucking tired even though the subject was interesting. Although at the end there was this like ridiculous video that was showing off airplane cockpits and had “take my breath away” from topgun playing and it like restarted the song halfway through and ended with this weird stretched photo of a dog and some text and it seriously looked like a shitpost and people were laughing and I made eye contact with Jonny and we were laughing. After that it was time to finally start making the presentation thing that a couple people in our group were to present to the parents about our time at camp and Jonny wanted to present so he got Naga to join him and I just went on my phone until Naga called my name a couple minutes later and motioned me over to participate too. Once again, good reminder that just because you feel like you’re missing out doesn’t mean you’re unwanted!! I appreciated that shit Naga! Also it was a confirmation that I am not grouped with Colin in their minds (sorry Colin). And I’m glad I ended up participating too, it was fun to have another thing to do the three of us. So me, Naga, Jonny, Leonardo, and two pretty dorky kids (Linus and one other) each worked on slides, one slide each easy stuff. We were collecting photos and I offered up the one of Jonny being carried by Tyrese and they liked it but it didn’t end up getting used since the slides was short. Also Leonardo (who is wasian) asked if me and Jonny were siblings?? To which we said no, and I mentioned that this was the second time someone had asked me if I was siblings with a wasian (I didn’t word it like that) and Jonny asked if I was Asian and I was like no I’m white. It’s just weird because the only times I’ve ever been asked if someone was my sibling is today and also when Wes Lyerly asked me if me and this wasian kid Hudson were siblings in seventh grade lmao. Anyway, we got lunch which was pizza and sat in our usual spot, also Luke was texting me throughout the day which was nice of him but I’m just not that into him cause the conversation was kinda awkward and he lives in Texas anyway and stuff and I just mehh. Lunch was very chill cause everyone was tired from the night before and we didn’t talk as a group that much, especially while Hart and Seb and some people were there. I did get Starbucks with Saranya and Jonny, we all got these pink dragonfruit refreshers which Jonny had us take a photo and he posted to his insta story as a joke.

Nearer to the end of lunch when it was more just me, Saranya, Nik, Mortar, Ani, and maybe one or two others we got to talk and there was some shared sentiment especially between Nik and Naga that their social batteries were dead and they were ready to go home. Plus at one point Naga was talking about Saranya and her friend or like the Starbucks drinks or something and said “that’s some white girl shit” and then held up his hand and looked at me and said “no offense Ava” which was funny. Also Jonny was missing during this time for like an hour or so, and also at one point I went to the bathroom and when I got back they were still talking and when I stepped over legs to sit on the ground Naga said something like “here’s Jonny’s girl”?? and I was like “whaaaat” and one or two other people kinda did that too and I just sat down and Saranya was joking like “personally, I wouldn’t take that.” or whatever. While I don’t actually want people to think I’m Jonny’s girl and I try to not being following him around all the time or anything, I do not mind Naga saying it lol. Then when we were standing waiting to go back up and I was next to Naga he asked if my parents were coming to watch the presentations but he said it really quietly and I didn’t really hear and said that I didn’t know where Jonny was because I assumed that was what he was asking and it was just embarrassing for me but it was kinda funny, Naga just had his classic like “bro really” face on. Then we went upstairs and there were already adults up there and I saw Jonny’s family and stuff and then we all sat down and in a line it was Colin, Jonny, Naga, me (also sienna beside me). Then our teacher guy spoke to the parents and soon it was time to present and we all went up. Jonny went first and did a good job and like introduced himself so the rest of us did that too and I was awkward and Naga was too but it like set a tone of smiling and eye contact and silliness. Jonny was a very good public speaker and said some very informative stuff, then went Leonardo and he talked about the Jesus nut and helicopter shaft which made me and Jonny and others smile and almost laugh a lot, then I was up and mine was short but sounded good and confident I think. Then was Linus and this bitch went off the rails like talking about how he didn’t learn anything on Wednesday and the fire alarm went off so that was cool and the whole time us and audience were sort of just muffling laughter and I was like looking at Jonny and we were just like wtf. Then the next kid went and last Naga (who surprisingly was not a public speaking guy at all) and then it ended and people clapped. And that was pretty much it, people got up, went to families, so I went to my Dad and stepmom Katie and they hugged me and said they were proud which was nice. Katie used the restroom and I got to talk to Naga for a sec before he went off and me and my dad and Katie started heading towards the dorms to get my luggage.

V V V (Tyrese, Jonny, Nik, Ani messing around during lunch, Starbucks with Jonny and Saranya, an aerospace group photo)

V V V Leonardo addresses the Jesus nut, Linus goes off (watch our faces)

While walking at this point it was setting in that there wasn’t going to be another opportunity to just talk with my friends or even say goodbye to them, plus I was hopped up on public speaking adrenaline while running on three hours of sleep and I was kind of mildly freaking out. Just like anxious and distracted and lightheaded and so fucking bad at speaking like it was unreal. I was completely like fried mentally and wasn’t doing wonderfully physically either. I also had a social interaction with Sam Lewis so excruciatingly bad that it was mandatory that I let my parents know I was running on 3 hours of sleep, and my dad asked if that was because of social reasons or insomnia reasons, I said social, which he sort of like congratulated me on. When we went to the lobby and checked out I did get to say a more proper goodbye to Naga cause he was by the door, but then I just left. For the next like hour I would get a lump in my throat every like two minutes and I just wanted to cry. The lack of sleep was 100% a reason for this but I was still also just genuinely overwhelmed by the fact that I never again was going to see the friends I had eaten lunch with just like an hour ago. It was just like a full complete stop on the little life I had inside of camp with no goodbyes really. I was worried I would cry in front of my parents but I didn’t end up doing so, instead I spent the car trip working through my KU early application with Katie and trying to avoid thinking about my friends and how they were just like not a part of my life anymore. Leaving was just like a social-mental 180 that made me emotional, even if I was fueled by sleep deprivation. I got to my moms house where no one was home and unpacked and I finally just kind of started crying like I knew I needed to. I was in the shower and I would just think about all this stuff about Jonny and Naga and Tyrese’s smile and Ani’s smile and voice and how I’d never see them again and stuff like that. Honestly I don’t think I’ve cried fully like that since like middle school, probably even earlier than then since I didn’t have to worry about being quiet. So yeah. Not to be a downer or anything, I was just tired and sad about my friends. IM GOING TO TALK ABOUT HAPPY STUFF AFTER THIS I PROMISE

(Also after showering I got a text from Saranya and a dm from Tyrese saying like sorry I didn’t get to say bye and stuff, which I responded to both, and I dmed Jonny saying bye which he responded to, and that helped a lot with closure.)

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ENGINEERING CAMP DAY 5 PT 2: So when I snuck down the stairs around 11 Saranya, two of her friends, Anirudh, Nik, Mortar, Naga, Hart, Tyrese, and Braxton were at commons and Tyrese said I scared him. Not gonna lie the first while was a lot of Snapchat shit talk. I just sat and looked over Anirudh’s shoulder and listened and it was annoying at times. Naga and co. were still mad at Jonny for hanging out with girls or ditching them or whatever and were messaging dumb insults, then sort of moved on to Jaylean (especially harsh criticisms) and then this random kid Nick. At one point Naga like laughed and said “Ava’s so quiet” or something (mainly just to me) and I told him that I just didn’t really care about talking shit. He jokingly said youre a better person than the rest of us but it was chill. To me the gossip stuff was evidence that bullying and being like cruel and vindictive over social media really is baseless, like there was no real beef with anyone, just kids saying bad things for the sake of it. Also there were times when we heard noises and people got scared but not as much as when Jennifer came down the elevator. She was totally chill though as expected, through the night there were two other counselors who were also chill. But after she left a fucking policeman came out the elevator and walked through the room and asked if any of us were the ones who called the cops and we said no, then he just walked out the door and outside, that was crazy scary. A couple other kids came down, then at one point we all snuck up the stairs cause Jennifer told us we should knock on this chill counselors door to scare them and as like all 12 of us were going I saw people above and we all ran downstairs and through the hall and to the couch. It turned out to just be a chill prep kid who was kind of wondering why people were arguing and the hot fútbol kid, who ended up being named Sebastian. Also he is actually French, I know I described him as Latino but I more meant like Spanish, I’m not going to change my past descriptions, but I’m sorry. Anyway, he sat down next to me and I got to talk to him some. Around 12 or 12:15 we got Mario Kart running again (people had played like 30 min ago) because he was rly nice about helping me fix it and it went between me and him playing, him and Tyrese, and me and Tyrese, so I was sitting between the two of them. I did poorly🫰. By this time people were more chill but the counselors told us that the police were called because someone had heard a girl scream outside?? Idk it was strange but led to many jokes about the source/reason for the screaming. I learned that Sebastian (he went by Seb, also his accent was very cute) had grown up in France and lived in the US for like four years now, and that he goes to St James academy. We talked about some stuff like how he had ran through plants with burrs (he didn’t know the word in English lol) and he had to shave his legs to get them off lol so his legs had some cuts on them. He also asked for my Snapchat and I had to go through the whole yes I’m allowed to have mehh I just don’t really want it thing which he was cool about. The actual convo wasn’t super flirty per say, but he had his arm over the couch by my head, and contextually and visually it was flirting fore sure. For the next hour it was just more sitting and mild chatting or standing and talking about police stuff. By 2:15 people were sort of considering leaving and Seb lowkey asked me if I wanted to go on a walk?? And everyone was kinda getting up and if I wanted to I probably could’ve just gone to the staircase with him then but I just kinda lingered and stayed between him and the others instead cause I was scared lol. So I don’t know that’s something to think about. At like 2:20 fucking Choncey (a camp counselor) or whatever his fucking name is walked in and told us all to go to our rooms and Hart or someone said we had permission and then Choncey was like no you don’t. So we cleaned up trash and timidly walked back to the stairs and people were already talking about coming back later.

So I went to my room and stayed for like ten minutes before I got a groupme message from Hart saying they were going to meet on level 0 at 2:45. So I thought about it and stressed a bit before leaving very slowly and going to the staircase, where I heard other students coming down the stairs so I stopped and then it turned out to be Tyrese (who I accidentally scared again), Naga, and Seb. When I saw Tyrese I said something about worrying about Choncey catching us again and then when I was next to Naga and Seb I said like the same thing about being worried. So sure enough we got to the bottom floor and within like ten seconds of being there, all the way down the hall I see fucking Choncey roaming and I turn and run. The three of us got back in the stairs and Naga kind of stopped but I just told him and Seb that I was going to bed and goodnight. So I ran back to the third floor, through the fucking hall, and heard an elevator noise when I was unlocking my door and was freaking out. Jeeeeez that’s as much of an adrenaline rush as I’ve ever really bargained for. I’m just laying in bed now at 3:04 with my alarm set for 6:50 tomorrow and my white noise all the way up. Ggbgbgn I hope there aren’t any repercussions tomorrow. All things considered, I’m not that worried about it. If they tell my parents, it’s not like I was actually getting up to any bad shit, and I had fun, I don’t regret it, not even going back down a second time all that much. Teenager experiences or whatever. I hope that in the morning Jonny can still eat breakfast with us normally and I can say bye to everyone and Seb and Luke and we can all be happy and peaceful. Goodnight

V V V the policeman outside after he came through

(Also I hadn’t realized who he was at the time but Seb had followed me on insta like the day before so he must’ve known who I was before I knew who he was)

[sick1ada]

ENGINEERING DAY 5 (PART 1:)

I’m already forgetting stuff but this morning my alarm didn’t go off so I was a little late to breakfast but it was fine. At breakfast it was me, Saranya, Jonny, Nik, Colin, basically like a semi-small group and no Naga and Saranya asked something and there was a shared sentiment that people were partying too much lol, since Jonny hadn’t tried to sneak to that room last night, and Nik and Naga were annoyed cause they got like sort of caught, so that was kinda comforting. So breakfast was decent and then we walked to lecture, the walk was nice cause I got to talk to Jonny and Naga a bit about like car stuff and I told them the story about getting pulled over on the Fourth of July and the story about accidentally having my brights on and the guy who yelled at us. Lecture was kinda boring, it ended at 11:30 like usual and then we went to lunch in the spot we always sit at, Me, Jonny, Naga, Saranya, her friend, Nik, Key, Mortar, Colin, Jake, also Tyrese and then Braxton at one point. Lunch was nice and had some good laughs, probably the funniest one yet, it’s so great when the whole group laughs at something witty. I also got to ask Braxton if his name was Braxton and what grade he was in (senior) and he asked my name too. Eventually it disbanded a bit but there was stuff like Tyrese doing a push-up with Jonny standing on his back, I was kinda quiet at parts but it was still generally good. After lunch we went upstairs to fly drones but I only got to for a bit before Tyrese borrowed mine which I was good with but when I went to retrieve it I got like pulled into this group with Sienna and Jaylean and had to go to this satellite lab (not interesting, actually hot and tiny and boring) and then we looked at this jet engine and Jaylean was kinda annoying braggy about GPA and getting her pilots license and stuff. Also they both just have kind of unbearable voices, Jaylean Oklahoma country accent, Sienna rural Missouri. Just not ideal but after we got back there was this kahoot thing where I was on a team with those two and Jennifer (RA or camp counselor) helped us cheat which actually made me feel miserable ethically so I just sat on the table with my team and spun my pencil. At one point Leonardo who was sitting by me asked to borrow it and showed me how he could spin it and I said “yeah I can spin it but I can’t get it to go around my thumb it just spins on top of my nail” or something to that affect and then he gave it back and I demonstrated and then did my other better spin thing and he sighed in a joking way like oh that was more impressive (sorry I can’t word it in a non cringe way). Also Sienna showed me this group chat where someone had asked “Can I get Ava’s Snapchat/phone number?” so I gave Sienna my number to type but she didn’t know who it was, so for the rest of the time I was asking kinda feeling like anxious but excited about that. My group won and the three best prizes were three remote control helicopters but I felt guilty so I said I wouldn’t take one since I didn’t contribute, mostly talking to like Jonny and Naga, but the whole situation ended up good and fine. On the way I back I talked with Jonny, Jaylean, and Sienna and apparently Sienna’s parents own like 24 horses and she was talking about her whole life plan and I just couldn’t take it.

Anyway when we got to Mrs. E’s it was me, Jonny, Sienna, Jaylean, Colin, then later Jake, Mortar and Saranya too, but before they got there someone was like calling Sienna about me getting that phone number sort of and had it on speaker and it wasn’t clear without the context that I had seen on Siennas phone so I don’t think Johnny knew what was happening but on the phone the girl was saying like “yeah I gave her the number but she’s right here” and stuff before putting it not on speaker and then she and Jaylean kind of went back and forth between our table and not our table and I asked who and thought she said a “Kim boy” had asked for my number and I even asked Jonny if he knew a Kim brother and he didn’t know who she meant. There was just an atmosphere of confusion at the table basically. After dinner we went back to the dorm and on the third floor commons again, where like previous days, it started out just like me and a couple guys (no Naga or Jonny) and then preps came. Also at this point I got a text from Luke which was nice so I kinda figured he was the one who asked for my number and I texted a little with him during. Then it got to be less again and it was kind of lame for all parties involved. On the couch me and Saranya and her dorky friend (I mean no offense) and the hot fútbol kid (he even has like the Ronaldo accent) and Hart were playing a question game (insanely dumb quintet) it was just silly cause Hart or the other guy would ask like “have you ever stolen from a store” (hart is a big stealer unsurprisingly) or “what age did you get your first kiss” (I kind of lied and said 14) and then Saranya or her friend would ask “what’s your favorite food”. I asked good questions but it was just a ridiculous situation and I couldn’t believe how long it lasted. Eventually Saranya and her friend left and then soon it was just me and Hart on the couch and then Luke came in, Sienna and Jaylean were on chairs by the couch with several others so they must’ve told him my location, and he sat down and we started chatting, and Jonny was still in the room too. It was nice but kinda stiff too like really normie convo shit and also a couple times Hart kicked my foot and I looked over at him and made eye contact and he was kinda smiling and then I went back to talking to Luke, Hart then left like five or ten minutes later. Also at one point I watched Jonny get like dragged into the elevator on a chair. Luke and I talked for like half an hour and it was still silly since Jaylean and Sienna and many others were in the room and it was decent. I like just liked looking at his face and having him so sincerely listen to me but I was sort of just spitting boring nonsense. Then at like 7:30 I paused talking because Naga ran in chasing Jonny telling him to get downstairs and then said “Ava you’re coming too” or something but it wasn’t extremely audible and I don’t know if Luke heard. Then Tyrese fully picked up Jonny like over his shoulders and brought him to the elevator and Naga told me to come to and so I apologized to Luke and told him that I’d be back or text him or something and then went to the elevator. Downstairs were like Nik and Mortar and Hart and maybe others or maybe they hadn’t arrived yet and when I got downstairs the first thing said to me was Hart telling me he had been trying to get my attention to flash that hand symbol that is your third and fourth finger crossed (as in like you’re tight with someone yknow, like each finger is a person), and he told me I had been rizzing that guy up. This was quite funny to me but I just told Hart that the guy what chill or whatever and that I had talked to him on the first day of camp. I also texted Luke an apology and said I’d visit. There was music playing from Harts speaker extremely loud and Jonny was not downstairs for long before he went back up which annoyed Naga specifically, and throughout the earlier evening Naga really was like irritated with him cause he was like trying to be with Jaylean and Sienna and people. There was some more never have I ever and chat and stuff.

Then at 8:30 Jennifer (camp counselor) came down, and we had already been talking about trying to sneak out to floor zero that night, and at one point maybe it was Hart that brought up sneaking out to her? Which I was worried about at first but Jennifer was kind of just like it’s the last day of camp, if you are in your rooms for rooms checks and come down quietly and turn off the lights at 11, it’s fine. Basically since we weren’t sneaking out to have sex or shit, we just wanted to talk in the commons, she didn’t care. So we talked with her for a little and stuff. Then a bit later people were still trying to communicate with Jonny cause he was missing but assumedly with girls somewhere and finally we all decided to go upstairs and like run past the room and raid it. The elevator was rly crowded and it was fun and then we went up to where Jonny was and people like got out of the room and Naga was kind of confronting Jonny who was just like messing around and stuff. At this point it was like 9:20 or something so basically I just stayed up stairs where people were still in the hallway, said hi to Luke, and then went to my room, to wait until 11 to sneak out and meet everyone!! The remainder of this night will be detailed in my following post!!

(I listened to the Time to Pretend EP while I waited to hype myself up :))

V V V Hart and Tyrese on the couch on the third floor (my knee is on the right), Tyrese carrying Jonny, Braxton and Jennifer

V V V Jonny loses arm wrestling with Tyrese during lunch

[sick1ada]

ENGINEERING CAMP DAY 4: Ahhhh today was a mixed bag. I’m still having fun and stuff but tonight I’ve def been thinking more about how nice it’ll be to go home and be back in an enjoyable and consistent social environment that doesn’t revolve around guys and their decisions. Also tomorrow is the last full day, which is kinda crazy, so it’s not like I’ll be here all that much longer. I swear at night when I close my eyes and try to sleep I can just see Jonny and Naga’s faces’ and voices’ and that shit has me stressing. Anywayz, this morning when I got to lunch I didn’t see Saranya so I sat down at a table where Nik was alone and sat in the same place I had for dinner the day before, same as him. Others eventually arrived and it was fine and similar to other breakfasts, I genuinely cannot remember much at all. We did this thing where we visited areas with information about other engineering majors today so that was kinda mid. First was this computer science thing which was fine, then we saw this race car where the driver/informant was cool and hot and had his race car suit on and this blondish frizzy hair pulled back in a ponytail, but the actual thing was boring and the race car wasn’t working. Then we visited a concrete testing facility #interesting and then went back to get lunch. It was probably my favorite lunch so far, we ate at the place with a table in the middle and chairs around, me, Saranya, Anirudh, Jonny, Naga, Colin, Jake, Nik, Key (who didn’t participate) and Mortar and we played BS which was fun and then we played truth or truth which ended up getting quite personal and more meaningful than other conversations lol. Jake talked about how he had gotten like two bad concussions in the last six months and how that affected his school year and he still has to go to bed early and gets headaches and stuff, Naga asked the question “who has been to therapy” to which he, Nik (surprisingly), and Saranya had, Nik for depression, Saranya for anxiety, Naga for I don’t know but he said it had helped him. We also talked about friend stuff and Naga and Nik talked about losing friends over Covid and stuff. There was also relationship stuff after a question about what your greatest regret in a relationship was, to which Nik said “being a piece of shit” and Jake and Naga agreed, wholesome self-aware man moment 🫶. At 1 or something idek lunch ended and we then went to this chemistry place which wasn’t ideal and then biochemistry where we made bouncy balls and I sat next to Jonny and Tyrese and got to hand Jonny my wooden stick so he could use them as drums (I also did this at lunch with silverware on Tuesday) and Tyrese was nice and helped me make my bouncy ball and let my use his clean paper. Then we went to the KU store which was pretty not ideal because I was feeling uninvolved because tagging along with boys clothing shopping just doesn’t work and I didn’t really know Jaylean or Sienna (girls woah). Also Tyrese and Hart were hanging out more with Naga and Jonny which is fine but the more guys are in a group, the weirder it becomes that I’m also there. Also Hart is kind of an ass and I don’t know why he’s in engineering camp. We walked home and I did eventually get to talk to Sienna and Jaylean a little which was good and also Jonny asked me if I bought anything when we were walking next to each other and I got to talk to him a little. It isn’t his fault in the slightest but it is just easy to feel like he has no real interest in being near me so it was a nice reminder that he was actually like my friend🫰.

When we got home at 5 we decided not to get Mrs E’s, instead Naga ordering Indian which we had talked about at lunch. At dorms I freshened up then went to the third floor commons where a group was starting to form, originally just like my breakfast/lunch kinda group (ideal) trying to figure out our food orders for Naga and Venmo him, but more people started to arrive. Tyrese sat in the space between me and Colin which there wasn’t totally enough room for (we were thigh to thigh and I was pressed against the side of the couch a little) but I liked it because Tyrese is nice and I got to say a couple things to him. It just made me feel more confident being so close to him since he’s cool and soon I was in the presence of people I didn’t really know. As we went on more preppier people kept arriving which was annoying in some ways because when these two girls came and sat down they looked very out of place and awkward but then more of their friends and guys kept arriving until it seemed more a prep environment than my group’s environment. Also when I say “fratty” I mean the guys who are athletic and uninterested in girls and look like they could already be in college, and when I say “popular” or “cliquey” I mean the kids who are younger like going into junior year and are just your run of the mill preppy privileged white kids. I still generally enjoyed this time and I finally got the talk about Dogtown and Z-Boys to Hart which I had wanted to do, since he had brought up California again, this was while I was next to Tyrese and he was behind the couch next to one of the fratty guys I had played football with. So I said his name and then something like “since you’re from California do you know about Dogtown and the zephyr skate team and stuff?” since I already had overheard that he liked skating on Tuesday and I knew he’d know at least a little. He didn’t understand the first time but I very briefly said yknow the stuff from the seventies about how skating culture was created in this town in California, I watched a documentary, Dogtown and Z-boys, like yknow Tony Alva and Stacey Peralta, to which we responded that he knew and stuff and he said he wasn’t very good at skating but it was fun or something and I said how I didn’t know anything about skating either but it seems cool. This was a good interaction and Hart was nice even though I think he’s not a great person in most contexts, but I think he was friendly because I’m a year older than him and stuff and because I was talking about something he’s interested in. I was glad I said this tho, cause I ended up being in a group I didn’t love later that included him so at least I could feel like he knew me a bit better. Eventually we left to go to the lobby and get the Indian food, where I saw Luke playing ping pong and got to smile at him and he smiled back. Then we brought the food upstairs to a little room on the third floor which was a lot of fun. Braxton (senior with glasses and locs and the vibes of a basset hound who had been sending porn to this camp Snapchat group) and Hart were a little later, but eventually clockwise from the window side of the room at the head of the table the group was Tyrese, me, Jonny, Colin, Nik, Naga, Mortar, Braxton, Saranya, Anirudh, and Hart (standing) which was one of my favorite combinations of people. It was just like the dorkier people meant Hart was nice, and the more popular people meant the dorkier people were more fun. Also there was a lack of chairs which me and Jonny had already acknowledged and when we were starting to eat I tried to give the chair to Jonny but he asked if we could share it so we both just sat on the damn chair and it was nice. Also at one point Hart asked (not loud, he was just near me) if everyone had Snapchat and I said I didn’t and he said “you’re not allowed to get it?” to which I said no and then he said “You don’t want it?” to which I just kinda shrugged and said mehh and he said that was valid. It was just good convo and good food and I was sitting next to people I liked.

(Also im writing this bit the day after, I forgot but while I was on the couch this kid name Leonardo (wasian and dorky but kinda cute) sat down in a chair by me and I asked him “you’re name is Leonardo right?” And he said yes and asked me how my day was and some basic stuff, the he gave me a fist bump and said bye when he left, later semi-relevant)

After that we were going to start watch Top Gun Maverick which they were playing and at this point the group split so I was just with Naga, Jonny, Tyrese, Hart, and Braxton, and we sat down and when Braxton was sitting down Hart or someone smacked his ass and made it look like it was me so when Braxton turned around and asked it was me I obviously said no (I’m sure he knew it was hart or whatever) and it was funny and Jonny and Tyrese were laughing. I sat on the table with my legs between Jonny and Hart’s shoulders, Jonny had also said again about how I could have a chair (and it was just a little bit sweet) but I told him it was fine. Then the six of us decided to go downstairs to play Mario kart on the bottom floor. This was kind of okay before they started played and I jokingly brought up the bandaids I got from my roommate to Hart cause of his massive knee wound and told Naga I had the bandaids cause I had gotten blisters from football (Hart also was also in the football group on Tuesday) and Hart asked if I had been wearing socks and I said something to the affect of duh and said it would have been gross if I hadn’t and he or Naga mentioned something about how some girls don’t and how it was gross. There was one other bit when the were talking about Hart wanting this girl where he or maybe Naga asked me if guys being clingy was “an ick” or whatever and I said something to the affect of yes even though I don’t totally agree as it depends on the situation. After that it just kinda slowly worsened cause I didn’t get to actually play Mario kart (not surprising) and the speaker was playing loud rap and two other lowkey dweeb guys (but still guys) joined and I just was feeling quite out of place by the end, again, the issue of whether I am disrupting them or whether they don’t give a shit about my presence. I’m going to more avoid situations like that from now on though, it just wasn’t really what I wanted and would have been better if Jonny was on my left instead of Hart but he wasn’t, and Jonny didn’t really say anything in general, but neither did I. We eventually went up to watch the last fifteen minutes of the movie, which was meh, and then me, Naga, Jonny, Tyrese, Braxton, Colin, Saranya, her friend, and Anirudh went downstairs and talked briefly but Tyrese, Braxton, and Jonny left. Then we played one round of never have I ever where for me the highlight was just that I was the only one who put a finger down when Naga said “never have I ever played spin the bottle” and Anirudh asked me about it (very casually) and Naga asked if I had to kiss someone and I said like well yeah and he said he would just like be out of there and I said like yeah I’ve done that before too. Eventually Saranya asked if any of us actually liked Hart and I was like I don’t know, and brought up how i was surprised by how cliquey it was and like why was hart even here and others said kinda concurrent stuff, I also asked Naga if he knew why Hart was in aero and he just said like I don’t know his parents are rich. Also it was brought up (again) that people were going to sneak out and go to a room on the fourth floor at 11 and Saranya said she wouldn’t go since like if I and her went we’d be the only girls she like asked me if I was going and I asked Naga who was going and he said probably all guys so I said I didn’t really wanna do that, so hopefully he knows that I don’t intend on involving myself in all guy time possible. Also, though I could be more opposed, I’m still just not crazy about the idea of sneaking alone, let alone to end up in an environment similar to the Mario kart one from earlier. Then we went upstairs except for Naga who stayed on the couch (also I think he was still stressed from the expense of dinner) and in the elevator Saranya said something about how he kept trying to ditch them which was semi-true but I also had been just as ditchy I guess. Idk, I don’t think I was worth her bringing up. So today had fun parts for sure but also I don’t like feeling like I’m on the popularity ladder, so I’ll be happy to leave Friday! GN!

V V V Naga and Jonny pre Pepsi chugging contest (photo by Ani sorry about the quality), Jonny, Naga, Tyrese, and Colin at the chemistry lab (photo by Hart)

V V V Audio of what it was like when I was downstairs with the guys playing Mario kart, I was uncomfortable but this is still kind of fun in retrospect