m

TW:ED - if you are in recovery please block me♡ | 6’0 | SW: 171lbs | CW: 152.6lbs | GW: 145lbs | she/her

[sickbutskinni]

MAJOR TW FOR THIS ACC

i will be posting about my eating disorder & addictions (body checks, calories, sh, drugs)

if you are in recovery this account could be extremely triggering so PLEASE block me.

this is my safe space to vent so if you don’t like the contents of my account please don’t report me, just block me :)

lastly, if you do follow me i assume you’re also struggling with these things so i just want to say i’m so sorry and if you decide to recover i fully support you! you are all so loved ♡

[sickbutskinni]

back at 157lbs at 6’0. Time to get my shit back together. I shouldn’t have surpassed 145lbs.

[chronicallypots-memes]

🙄😮‍💨😤

[sickbutskinni]

i’m having issues with my heart now, and kidneys. love how recovery is treating me.

i start eating healthy and ENOUGH and now all of the sudden i’m having chronic health issues and no doctor can figure out what’s wrong with me. WHAT THE FUCK?

i feel like i should just go back to the anorexia LMAO, at least i was unhealthily healthy. i wasn’t in pain all the time and the discomfort actually had a purpose/reason.

i am so fucking tired, i can’t do this shit anymore.

i have celiac disease and endometriosis and now possibly kidney stones and POTS. just end me now. i don’t need more chronic illnesses.

i’ve been to the hospital 3 times this year already and it’s fucking APRIL.

[sickbutskinni]

tw: ana and drvgs

i’ve been clean from drugs a year today, but not much feels different. i should be proud, happy, excited. but instead i’m looking for any NA meeting I can attend in the next week to make sure i don’t fuck it up.

i’m in a healthy happy relationship (the same one from before) but for some reason i feel like i need this illness back, the drugs, the starving.

i was offered benzo’s for my wisdom tooth removal in april and i tried to be smart, i tried to turn it down. but because of my anxiety they want me to take some to calm me down before, i’m worried that actually physically taking the pills is going to cause a relapse. i’m gonna fuck up everything that i’ve worked so hard for.

i’ve already adjusted my eating habits because of an endoscopy i had. they told me not to eat or drink after 12am and since then it’s been so much easier to just not eat. i feel like i’m in control again. i’ve gained weight, healthy weight. i’m 152lbs right now. that’s good for my height. but i feel disgusting. i feel like i never should have let myself get that high up. i want to see bones again, i want to be sick. it’s a sick feeling. i don’t know how to cope with this and i don’t want to cause issues/burden in my relationship.

i’ve been drinking again (which i don’t consider a relapse because i was doing xans and coke so i mean, better of the three) but i feel like i’m slipping, i don’t know how to bring it up without feeling like an issue,

he makes me feel validated and tries to help but i always feel like a burden when talking about my issues because i know he has his own shit to deal with and it isn’t fair to put this on him.

i’m not looking for advice, i just need a private place to vent.

i hope you’re all doing well, and heading on a path to recovery. i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

[sickbutskinni]

i’m in a healthy relationship and i’ve gained 13lbs.

he still loves me but i’m terrified, i don’t feel like i’m worthy of love at this weight. i know that doesn’t define me but i’m 145lbs at 5’11.5.

i feel like he’s lying, it can’t be true but he encourages me to eat, makes me meals and gets upset when i don’t eat. it feels weird, too healthy almost.

is this how it’s supposed to be?

[sickbutskinni]

why is a healthy secure relationship so FUCKING TERRIFYING. i feel like something could go wrong at any moment, i apologize for things and he’s confused, when i say no or i’m uncomfortable he stops immediately, he doesn’t hit me or demean me. why is that so scary - shouldn’t that be the norm? how is this fair to him?

i’m trying to recover from an0rexia and he makes me food and eats with me, he tells me i’m pretty, that he loves me, and somehow i’m still so scared it’ll somehow turn bad at any moment. is it a trauma response from abuse?

i feel like i’m gonna fuck this up at any moment but i’m trying so hard to just, exist, just be.

i know he truly cares, he doesn’t push me to recover but encourages it, he convinced me to go to the doctor today and talk to them to see if they can help with my dizziness/ fatigue/ nausea from not eating and to maybe open up about my eating habits.

he wants me to get BETTER. he wants the best for me. is this how it’s supposed to be?

when i told him i was sa’d he just held me. no ‘it’s your fault’ just ‘i’m sorry baby’ and a tight squeeze.

when i told him i relapsed on self harm and didn’t wanna talk about it, he said okay and just held me.

is this the norm? am i just too far gone to realize this is healthy and safe and i don’t need to question the support and think somehow it’ll turn abusive?

safe to say i’ve never been in a healthy relationship, but have i really been missing out on this for years? he’s absolutely perfect, he’s attractive, he’s sweet, he has life goals. that should not scare me.

i love him so deeply that i don’t know what i’ll do when he inevitably leaves, i’m trying to be better for him but i don’t deserve him. he deserves someone stable and kind and beautiful - someone who has goals and sees them self living past 25.

i’m so scared of fucking this up.

[sickbutskinni]

just relapsed on sh after like 4 months. i don’t know wtf is going on but i don’t like it.

[sickbutskinni]

the way i know when my manic episodes are fully over is when i’m back on this app

how y’all doing lmao, i am unwell.

[sickbutskinni]

i hope my autoimmune disease fucking kills me.

[sickbutskinni]

i really just don’t wanna be here anymore.

[tinysunday]

It's weird because i appreciate life but I dont want to be me.

[sickbutskinni]

my weight fluctuations are driving me absolutely insane, AM I 143 OR AM I 148? FUCKIN PICK ONE.

[sickbutskinni]

credit to @lex-b3-skinnie for making this bingo sheet !

[sickbutskinni]

tw , talk of disordered eating

you know what, i promised myself i’d be honest on this account and although i’m ashamed i feel like i have to show the reality of eating disorders. i have over 1000 people following this account right now and although that’s not like , a lot ? i guess, clearly y’all are going through the same shit.

i suffer from anorexia b/p subtype and binge eating disorder (which i thought i had recovered from) i managed to eat under 1500 calories and lose 7lbs (water and fat weight) last week. this week i’m back up to 150lbs because i can’t stop bingeing. i feel horrible about myself, i wanna wear baggy clothes, i wanna be back to my 135 days, but sometimes you get urges to binge and you can’t stop it.

although i feel horrible right now, that does not make you ‘a failure’ or ‘not good enough.’ it makes you human, i hate being positive towards myself, i hate myself right now “why couldn’t you just hold out?”. because eating disorders are complicated. if i only had anorexia i would most likely have been hospitalized right now but im fighting 2 eating disorders and 7 other mental illnesses right now and it’s okay for your weight to fluctuate.

i in no way condone eating disorders, i am not pro-ana, but i do want to give some advice for safety reasons. please make sure you’re still drinking at LEAST 2L of water a day, i know it’s scary when the water weight shows up on the scale but in the long term, water does help significantly in not only weight loss but your overall health. eat at LEAST 800 calories a day, once again, i know it’s scary but you need them to function. ideally we should all be eating 1500+ but unfortunately the reality is, that’s terrifying for some of us.

if you’ve made it this far through the post i just wanna say, thank you and you’re loved. please be safe and if you feel like you could recover , PLEASE CHOOSE RECOVERY. i’ve been struggling like this for 3 years, i lose and gain the same weight, it’s not worth the damage you’re doing to your brain and body.

[sickbutskinni]

tw , talk of disordered eating

another update:

ive been restricting at 1500 calories and i burn around 500-800 at work every day. i eat a granola bar at the beginning of the day with my coffee and see how long i can make it until my blood sugar drops and i need another one (i’m hypoglycaemic).

i have also been drinking SO MUCH FUCKING WATER.

i’m on the fourth day of my period so the waist measurement is gonna be a bloated measurement but it will be accurate in my next update!

i am now 143.6lbs, i’m succeeding again, i’m slightly confident in my body, i missed this feeling!

measurements

weight 143.6lbs

height 6’0

waist 25.5in

hips 34.5in

[sickbutskinni]

i just wanna be so small that i’m essentially dust, is that so fucking much to ask for.