Pillow Thoughts

An online diary about things I think about when not thinking about things ⚥⚲ | 🇸🇬

[sidewaysleeping]

How do you decide if a practical match that meets you where you are and is perfect on nearly all levels except physical/romantic attraction is good enough.

[sidewaysleeping]

Update: I am suddenly aware that the mortifying ordeal of being known has two sides and I am on both and it is both a privilege and terrifying.

[sidewaysleeping]

The mortifying ordeal of being known is a bit less mortifying over text, I think.

[sidewaysleeping]

Tried a different app and I think I hit pay dirt. Matched with two people who I must say are more my speed than anyone from the first app, and both have already led to conversations. How long they’ll last is still up in the air, but it’s a promising start! Sadly it doesn’t seem like this app is particularly popular in my area; I’ve already seen several profiles multiple times and it hasn’t even been a day. If these two don’t pan out I guess I’ll just continue being single into perpetuity unless someone irl comes along.

[sidewaysleeping]

I thought about this a little more and I think the comparatively fewer unique profiles shown to me might be because the newer app has more specific gender options. The previous app catered only to the binary genders, but this one has multiple non-binary options and by selecting one of them as my gender I’m effectively narrowing down my potential pool to only those willing to date my specific flavour of non-binary. That might also explain why I’m seeing more queer people too, though unfortunately they’re generally too adventurous for me.

[sidewaysleeping]

Ah, one of the conversations ended really badly. He thought I'd lied to him about something important (it boiled down to me using an unofficial term that’s common where I’m from but which so happened to be the official name of something else, which led him to believe that I'd lied about a huge aspect of my life), subtly tried to suss me out, and felt betrayed when I failed his test (because I wasn't aware of the misunderstanding). I couldn't explain myself because by the time I'd composed a reply he'd either unmatched or blocked me. I suppose that was for the best. I'm not sure I would've thrived with someone like that as a partner. Still, I'm feeling kinda wronged here, and I'd really, really like a chance to clarify things with him and give myself some closure.

[sidewaysleeping]

Tried a different app and I think I hit pay dirt. Matched with two people who I must say are more my speed than anyone from the first app, and both have already led to conversations. How long they’ll last is still up in the air, but it’s a promising start! Sadly it doesn’t seem like this app is particularly popular in my area; I’ve already seen several profiles multiple times and it hasn’t even been a day. If these two don’t pan out I guess I’ll just continue being single into perpetuity unless someone irl comes along.

[sidewaysleeping]

I thought about this a little more and I think the comparatively fewer unique profiles shown to me might be because the newer app has more specific gender options. The previous app catered only to the binary genders, but this one has multiple non-binary options and by selecting one of them as my gender I’m effectively narrowing down my potential pool to only those willing to date my specific flavour of non-binary. That might also explain why I’m seeing more queer people too, though unfortunately they’re generally too adventurous for me.

[sidewaysleeping]

Kinda want to fly SIA sometime soon to hear the welcome home message again. It always makes me feel warm and fuzzy when I hear it upon returning. Like yes. This is my home. I grew up here. I will never feel this way about another country and I never want to. Something always feels missing when I fly other carriers back to Singapore. I want my welcome home.

[sidewaysleeping]

Tried a different app and I think I hit pay dirt. Matched with two people who I must say are more my speed than anyone from the first app, and both have already led to conversations. How long they’ll last is still up in the air, but it’s a promising start! Sadly it doesn’t seem like this app is particularly popular in my area; I’ve already seen several profiles multiple times and it hasn’t even been a day. If these two don’t pan out I guess I’ll just continue being single into perpetuity unless someone irl comes along.

[sidewaysleeping]

Matched with another person who is also ghosting me. Changed my profile to be more specific about things I don’t like to hopefully limit the number of people who’ll like my profile but don’t have any intention of following up. Idk if it’ll work since the current theory is that people are just spamming likes, but so far I’ve been getting fewer new likes. An alternative explanation is that the app first shows you to people who tend to spam likes in order to initially give you hope before scaling down and showing your profile to the more selective users.

[sidewaysleeping]

Another day of being ghosted by a couple of new matches! If this goes on for a week, do you think it’s sufficient evidence to support my theory that guys really do just spam likes regardless of whether they actually like a profile? The next step is to figure why they do that even though it just wastes everyone’s time.

[sidewaysleeping]

Do guys even read dating profiles? Because it’s either that or guys here are surprisingly chill with potentially dating a non-binary person who occasionally dresses like a guy. Like. I’m not even that physically attractive. Throw in being non-binary (which I wrote in my profile; sadly setting NB as my gender is not an option) and I went into this expecting maybe one like every handful of weeks. Wth is up with these 10+ likes per day. Surely it’s not just because I’m well educated. I don’t even have any travel or animal photos because I don’t particularly like travelling and I don’t want any pets, so why are these adventurous and animal-loving people liking my profile? Since the couple of people I matched have been ghosting me I’m inclined to think that they just spam likes. Which is not promising.

[sidewaysleeping]

OH MY GOD my prof wants to work with me to turn my term paper into a review paper. For PUBLICATION.

This is it. I’ve peaked. I can die happy now.

[sidewaysleeping]

Joke’s on me, it’s been 6+ years and I never did reach out to the prof again about this paper. When I emailed him back I used his given name and he emailed back saying that I should use Dr. Last Name and I was so embarrassed I couldn’t work up the guts to contact him again. It doesn’t matter in the end. This wasn’t in my area anyway and I don’t think I want to have a review paper in a field where what I know I know from research for an undergrad assignment. I wouldn’t have been any kind of expert on the topic.

[sidewaysleeping]

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[sidewaysleeping]

I’m beginning to think that when I wear a mask, my voice doesn’t convey a joking tone very well on its own. The kind of joke that usually passes well with my friends has been taken as a serious accusation of wrongdoing by my mother, who is now spitting mad at me. I’ve been trying to shut up! I have! I even (re)resolved to do that earlier in the day! But this one just slipped out without passing through my brain mouth filter because my friends have always known it was a jokey exaggeration and now I have learnt that my mother is extremely primed to take offence at anything I say. It’s not news, to be honest. I’ve always annoyed her. I think our relationship can only be improved if I never speak to her again, which is sadly the opposite of how most people improve relationships. We can just exist in the same house and talk past each other.

[sidewaysleeping]

At this point I just have to accept that sex as an expression of overflowing romantic love doesn’t make sense to me. It’s not like I don’t understand that people crave intimacy with their romantic interests and when they’re horny they gravitate naturally towards them, but I just don’t get how excruciatingly emotionally intimate moments transitioning into horny sex is potentially both normal and expected for what appears to be quite a good chunk of the population based on fic I’ve read.

[sidewaysleeping]

Ugh why are so many events so precariously close to or overlapping with predicted period days ugh either periods need to be shorter or period cycles need to be longer this is such an awful way to live evolution wtf how is this better than just maintaining the lining perpetually I assure you that if I lived in prehistoric times I would simply get eaten by a lion instead of surviving what is meant to be an energy conserving phase in the reproductive cycle because it’s so uncomfortable to move energy conservation my foot I am the least unproductive during these times precisely because the damn symptoms are draining my will to do anything

[sidewaysleeping]

I’m begging brands that have unisex clothing to go down to XXS at the very least, especially if their unisex XS is still larger than women’s S. Don’t petite people deserve a chance to wear unisex clothes too??