Where the Young Girls Cry: Remembering Liam Payne
I never thought I’d see the day I logged into tumblr again. But, at 23, I find myself indescribably fragile at the news of Liam Payne’s death.
My first long piece of writing was a 24 chapter One Direction fan fiction. It was self-insert (because I was 11) and it was titled “One Directions Sister,” as of now, it’s in the trenches of long forgotten fan fiction websites, but if you looked hard enough I’m sure you’d find it. Every weekend, besides the fourth of the month, I would go to my dads house, and for a few months I sat at his computer every weekend and posted the worst piece of writing I’ve ever written. But it was self indulgent, as all self-inserts are; it was about me, and a few of my school friends, who I had the audacity (and idiocy) to use their legal names, and the boys, Harry, Louis, Niall, Zayn, and, of course, Liam, who happened to be my half-brother in this fictional world, living in a massive share house at the beach. I think it was my way of coping with split parents, when I think about it now, my way of feeling comforted when my home life was split in two; in this story these boys I idolised became my home, they looked after me, and comforted me, and loved me (again, I was 11) and Liam became the family figure my young, only child self seemed to need in those moments.
It’s safe to say I was a big fan, I had the posters, the bed spread, shirts, multiple fan accounts, I lived and breathed one direction from day dot. I was lucky enough to go to their Take Me Home Tour in 2013, when Zayn was still in the band and 5 Seconds of Summer opened for them, I’ve always worn that as a badge of honour.
But then it started to fade, I have my posters rolled up somewhere in the back of my childhood rooms closet, and my bedspread was given to a family friend whose daughter had started to get into them. But the impact they had on my life never really faded. They were with me through sleepovers in high school, I sung their songs with my friends in the shower at art-camp, joy rides in my best friends first car after our year 12 graduation ceremony, and the long, painful journey through traffic to university with my best friend. Most importantly, that silly fan fiction was the start of my affinity for writing, I wrote many more One Direction fan fictions after that, and then gradually moved on to other fandoms, and now I hold a Bachelor of Arts, my major in creative writing. The impact these boys, that Liam, had on my life, just like many others, is incomprehensible. They were the soundtrack of my girlhood, my stability in childhood, and even though I have been distant from the fandom for many years, this tragedy calls me back, and like Lucy Blackinston wrote in her piece, How to grieve Liam Payne, “The fandom was exactly as I remembered it - it was like meeting up with old friends.” It lacks the toxicity and cancel culture that newer fandoms seem to harbour, we were all girls together and we’ve come back home to mourn. It sends shivers down me to watch the world stop and reflect on the impact this man had on our lives, it feels like looking through a window and catching a glimpse of the magnitude of their height of fame. College kids gather to sing their songs, girls post the photos of their childhood selves with the caption 'don't tell her,' people dig out their old memorabilia to wear in honour, they make their edits; the world has stopped to think about One Direction one more time.
It’s strange to mourn someone you never met, to watch the end of their life unfold through a tiny screen. Some articles title him the “First Gen-Z Pop Star to Pass,” which I think is strange, like it’s some kind of award or glorifying the final, horrifying moments of his life; and some articles deem it appropriate to post pictures of his body (TMV). Which, quite frankly, is a disgust grab for readers - and I pray that is not how those close to him had to find out.
I keep Liam’s family and friends in my thoughts, and I hope they rest easy in this time and are surrounded by loved ones, especially his little boy, Bear. I also hope that Maya Henry finds some peace in this time. It's hard to talk about Liam without acknowledging with allegations his ex aired out only a week or so ago. But she deserves to speak her truth without the guilt mongering that the internet has the capability of. Liam's death, in my opinion, should not be overshadowed by these allegations. He has, for a long time, admitted to his failings and his mental health, which evidently led to this tragic event. It's best we acknowledge what happened without running his name through the dirt. One quote that I've seen written across the internet being that "It's okay to mourn who he was." And while I will admit some of Liam’s solo music wasn’t particularly to my own taste, his talent and experience as a singer and songwriter is irrefutable, and the music industry has suffered a great loss today.
I also keep everyone who has that little girl in them that can’t comprehend this tragedy in my mind; let yourself mourn, and cry. When I first saw my partner after he had got home from work, I cried and I told him it felt stupid to cry over someone I didn’t know, who I’d never met, and who I hadn’t properly thought about in years. A part of me still thinks it’s stupid, but when I played their songs in my car, and felt the rush that my 11 year old self would have felt, I could feel her mourning too, and it didn’t seem so stupid; to end with another quote from Blackinston’s article, “Just because you never spoke to them, doesn’t meant mean they didn’t in some way speak to you.”
I didn’t want to just make this post about me, but I kind of ended up that way. But I think we’re all feeling this loss deeply, and it all feels a bit personal, loosing a man you grew up idolising. I wanted to share my thanks to Liam for the way he had a part in changing me life, and I will think about him and the boys for the rest of my life, because they had a part in the reason my life is as great and abundant as it is.
It is with great honour that my first piece of substantial story telling was about Liam Payne, and even greater honour and sadness, that my first post as a professional writer mirrors that. May you rest in peace, Liam Payne, lord knows you deserve a peaceful sleep.
We had some good times, didn't we?
We wore our hearts out on our sleeve
Look out for those around you, and look out for yourself too.
Lifeline. 13 11 14.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Partnership to End Addiction: 855-378-4373
SAMHSA’s National Helpline (substance abuse and mental health): 800-662-HELP
