Why St. Christopher Got Fired (And Reassigned to Limbo with a Goat Pension)
With over 500 years of combined Catholic education, our family became familiar with hundreds of saints. But by far, St. Christopher — the patron saint of travelers — was our favorite.
His medal was firmly clipped to the visor in our 1963 Volkswagen bus, guarding our chaos-filled family road trips. We survived countless outings with no seat belts, no baby seats, and dashboard knobs that looked like medieval weapons.
Infants laid across seats, kids leaned out windows pumping their arms at semis, hoping for a honk. Our only real “safety system”? A parent’s right arm flinging across the front passenger seat during a sudden stop.
🚐 Divine Road Trips and VW Chaos
We thank St. Christopher for helping us make it to A&W Root Beer every Friday night. Dad would pile us in, along with a few neighbor kids, and off we’d go — standing on the seat, heads poking out of the fold-back canvas top, giggling like maniacs.
One sharp turn? One quick stop?
Let’s just say, if Dad made those same trips today, he’d be facing 10 to 20 years… with no chance of parole.
🙏 Who Was St. Christopher?
If you’re not familiar with the man, Christopher was a tall, strong, good-hearted giant who famously carried travelers (including, allegedly, baby Jesus) across raging rivers.
For nearly 2,000 years, he was the go-to saint for anyone hitting the road, the sea, or the sky. Pilgrims, sailors, truckers, and your Aunt Marge heading to Atlantic City — all prayed to St. Chris.
🧾 The Holy HR Department Breaks the News
That’s when the Heavenly HR Department dropped a bombshell:
St. Christopher was let go.
The meeting was brief — just Jesus, St. Peter (VP of Operations), and Christopher.
Jesus:
“Chris, buddy. You’ve done great work. Really. For 20 centuries you’ve had an impeccable record. Zero accidents during donkey rides in the Judean hills? Impressive.”
St. Peter:
“But… with seat belts, airbags, and GPS, your division is, well… obsolete.”
Jesus:
“Thanks for your loyal service, but we’re downsizing. No more feast days. No more dashboard gigs. And we need your desk cleared by Pentecost.”
Christopher:
“Wait, what?! You’re firing me?”
Jesus:
“Not firing. Just… reassigning you to Limbo. Think of it as a peaceful cul-de-sac in the afterlife. Great schools, low taxes.”
St. Peter:
“And we’ll continue your pension — two oxen and a goat per month. But you’ll need to sign this NDA. We can’t have the other saints knowing. Morale’s already low since we made St. Valentine cover HR.”
📜 The Official Reason? “Lack of Evidence”
According to Vatican records, Christopher was removed due to “lack of historical evidence.”
Seriously? After 20 centuries of divine service?
Turns out, he’d already been quietly phased out. His last known miracle? Helping a honeymoon couple in a ’68 Ford Pinto avoid a possum in rural West Virginia.
🛰️ Why Pray When You’ve Got Waze?
It’s tough to compete with modern tech. Today, we’ve got GPS, lane assist, emergency braking, and Siri — who’ll gladly reroute you away from rivers or possums.
Even your dashboard has better spiritual protection than poor St. Chris ever had.
🐿️ And What About St. Francis?
Christopher had one final question during the meeting:
Chris:
“Why me? I’ve been around longer than Frank of Assisi! That guy just talks to squirrels.”
St. Peter:
“Francis is booming. We’re onboarding millions of animals a day — rescues, pets, endangered species. Nobody else wants that department. It smells like wet fur and despair.”
Jesus:
“Honestly, we’d love to fire him. But he keeps bringing stray cats to meetings.”
So where is St. Christopher now?
He signed the NDA and moved quietly to Limbo. These days, he:
Plays celestial pickleball
Leads ghost tours of old highway rest stops
Occasionally haunts glove compartments in vintage Winnebagos
If you spot a St. Christopher medal on someone’s dashboard, now you know:
It’s a relic from a time when divine roadside assistance meant more than flashing hazard lights and Bluetooth.
But hey — if your GPS ever leads you into a river, you might still want to whisper a little prayer to Chris. Just in case.
#StChristopher #CatholicHumor #FamilyRoadTrips #FaithAndFunny #SaintsAndStories #YouCantMakeThisStuffUp
Source: Why St. Christopher Got Fired (And Reassigned to Limbo with a Goat Pension)
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