Kiana Khansmith
Sweet Seals For You, Always
Discoholic šŖ©
trying on a metaphor
Keni
Love Begins
DEAR READER
todays bird
YOU ARE THE REASON
Stranger Things
PR's Tumblrdome
Misplaced Lens Cap
Three Goblin Art
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
@theartofmadeline
ē„ę„ / Permanent Vacation
ā
Monterey Bay Aquarium
JVL
oozey mess
seen from T1
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from T1
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Serbia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Thailand
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Japan
seen from Germany
@silence-ensues
Maybe it isnāt worth it, shit doesnāt change no matter how hard I try. Why should I feel bad for wanting him to come home early, why does he put me on edge, why canāt he just care the way I care about him. Iām tired of selfishness and self centered shit. Maybe I do give up he probably wouldnāt care anyways
Pt.2
And what makes it worse, I donāt see it changing. I donāt see any of this being anything better, I donāt see anything working out until weāre in person together, but by then Iāll be too used to being in an unhealthy relationship that what if I canāt handle it being healthy. None of what you do is for me, not working a bunch, not changing me, not a single thing youāve tried to say you do for me has actually been for me, because Iām miserable. If you genuinely meant when you say āI just want to do what makes you happyā then we wouldnāt be here, and thatās what hurts the most. I know itās never meant but I say thank you everytime he says it. Thank you tumblr for being my outlet once again
Pt.1
I feel so shitty, I just want to be loved and appreciated. I want to feel equal, I want him to genuinely treat me with kindness. I shouldnāt have to have cramps or be sick or be in person to get affection or proper attention. He sees me as an after thought. I donāt care that he fucks up I just care that he fixes it, I donāt care that he doesnāt have time for me I just want him to be honest, I donāt care that he cares more about other shit I just want him to be honest with me. All I want is honesty and respect. Have the respect for me to put in effort, realize how badly youāve fucked me up in the last year or two and genuinely sit there and say youāre sorry, I hate when someone else plays victim, I hate when someone apologizes to themselves, I hate when they need comfort when Iāve been the one crying. I have been so fucking understanding and patience and he keeps asking me for more, more time more understanding more patience and I just canāt. Iāve been worn down, I donāt have a sense of self anymore itās been taken away again and again and again. Why do I have to keep my guard up? Why canāt I just feel secure? Why promise someone that this will be the one stable thing in their life just to make it the most turbulent? Iāve been through hell and I donāt fucking know what to do. I just want to be heard. I just want to be sat down and told āIām so fucking sorry I did these things to youā with a proper explanation other than āI donāt knowā why do I have to sit here and beg to be treated right? Why do I have to let myself fall so he can feel like he isnāt alone? Why canāt we both just be at different stages of our lives and have that be okay? People donāt know what they have until itās gone but the problem is that Iād never leave him, so of course it wonāt change, why would it? Itās easier to put it off than to confront it if thereās no consequences to doing so. maybe he doesnāt care, maybe I shouldnāt care, maybe all of this is toxic and unhealthy, maybe it isnāt worth it, but why donāt I know for sure? I want to feel a 100% confident when he asks me āis it worth itā or āis it going to get betterā but I canāt decide if it gets better, Iām not the one causing the rift, Iām not the one with power, Iām trying so fucking hard to stay stable, to keep myself happy, to hold onto me. But people take selflessness and use it to their advantage. Everytime there has ever been an issue in the one to change, im the one to drop everything, and now he can acknowledge the fact that it wasnāt me who was causing this but he canāt sit there and give me a genuine apology without saying āI hate myself, im such a shitty person, it hurts me just as much as itās hurting you, I wish I could be like youā that isnāt apologizing, that isnāt taking blame, why do I have to pick you the pieces that youāve shattered? Im so close to just giving up and not caring anymore, im so close to telling him to just forget about everything and do whatever he wants, im so tired of making everything okay when i feel like im shattering little by little every time. If he doesnāt want to put the work in why do i try and make him? If thereās no work then the whole relationship wonāt work and Iāve tried so hard to make it work but maybe I canāt. Maybe Iām not the right person for him, maybe he needs someone who doesnāt care if it sinks or swims, maybe he needs someone who doesnāt need him, maybe he needs someone whoās okay being an afterthought, but why canāt it be me? Why have I put 2 1/2 years into this for that person to not be me, would someone finally love me right if I was that person? Why canāt I just be me? Why isnāt anything unconditional?
Im not happy
Why do I ruin everything? I couldāve had him talk me to sleep, I couldāve had him tonight but I canāt hide my emotions well enough and he left me alone again because I started crying that he hurt me. Does he even love me? Why does he keep leaving? I donāt want this I donāt want to be sad anymore. How do I get him to love me?
Iām tired of feeling like this, why do I help when he doesnāt have to help me? I get it heās tired but heās always tired, Iām probably just selfish but fuckā¦when do I get a night that ends nicely? When do I get my turn to sleep? Iām exhausted too
Iām going to bed alone again, cryingā¦nice to know i matter enough
Where does life lead meā¦whatās the plan for my future? Whatās the path Iām taking? Does it matter? Am I going to be okay? I want to fell while again, im feel like Iām half a human
Iām getting bad again, im going to sleep crying again, im sad again, im so fucking depressed but if I tell the only person I trust Iām scared heāll think Iām lying again. Iām sobbing because our call hung up cause he wanted to go to bed alineā¦ I was being too fucking annoying and he didnāt want to spend time with me. Heās probably gonna leave me soon,I can feel it and I fucking hate it. Or maybe my brains just playing tricks on me to get me to push him away. I donāt know what to believe anymore Iām fucking shattering piece by piece in front of people and they donāt notice. People donāt even press anymore, maybe he stopped because he doesnāt care anymore he only asks a few times so he can say he tried, he doesnāt want to hear itā¦or am I lying to myself again? I fucking hate this state of being I fucking hate me I want to fucking disappear and I say that and people laugh not knowing how fucking serious I am fuck. Fuck this fuck me fuck everything and then I get to wake up in the morning if I even fall asleep and pretend Iām perfectly fine and Iāll be okayā¦im not okay but I donāt have the courage to say that. I already confronted him once about something I canāt say āhey Iām feeling really depressed tonightā I donāt want him to think Iām faking it again. Fuck. Whoās even listening? Whatās the fucking point?