I feel a bit lost lately.
My life had had some major changes lately and I just don't know if I'm 100% ready for them to be honest. I am going to be starting a new job come Thanksgiving Day, a career actually, and I'll be leaving my current job as a bus driver behind me. It's an odd feeling... leaving my students. I have come to love them as my own kids, getting to watch them grow and mature and take the first steps into their own lives while I say goodbye. I know its a better career path. It'll afford me more income, with benefits and the possibility for overtime. But a part of me also has this deep sense of imposter syndrome just simmering just beneath the surface telling me that I'm not good enough. That I somehow bullshitted my way into the position and that any day they're going to call back and say it was all a mistake. I need to be more confident about it but its hard.
Meanwhile I have moved out of my apartment while looking for a more affordable place, saving up money in the meantime. I am currently staying with a couple friends in their spare bedroom and while they say I'm not a burden (and I believe them to an extent) I still feel out of place. I need my own place to call my own even though I'm greatful for the place to stay until then.
My Aunt Sylvia passed away October 10. I didn't really know her, with only scattered pieces of memories from when her and my Uncle John visited when I was young. Apperantly she was into drugs, and drank on top of it, which is what finally did her in. Its a shame. From what little I can remember she was a nice enough lady. Their son, Steven, got ahold of me today. He's 40 and an retired marine. Seems like an okay dude, but he didn't really want to talk to me, he was just looking for some way to get ahold of my dad and another uncle that lives up here. I can't blame him. Hell, until today I didn't even know he existed. It's strange how much family I'm finding out I have that I haven't even met. Relatively close family at that.
An ex-coworker and friend of mine also experienced a tradgety (that looks very misspelled but I'll just have to go with it for now) recently. Her son was burned alive in a vehicle fire. Her husband tried to get the poor kid out but wasn't able. I can't begin to comprehend the hell they must be going through. So much life left unlived.
I have been a bit of a hermit lately. I don't try to be but I just can't seem to pull myself out into public very well to do anything and the few attempts I do make seem to be in vain as must everyone else has other plans already made. This having a social life as an adult thing is a lot harder than they make it look in the movies or on tv. I did succeed today though. I bought a bunch of beer and a few snacks and went over to a friends house. We watched movies and played some fooseball. I forgot how much I missed playing that game.
Thats... about all I really had to say I guess. I had originally planned on sorting through all this stuff with someone else, but the couple friends I had that I feel comfortable confiding it in haven't been available lately. Such is the way of life though I suppose. Sometimes hashing it out with myself in a journal will just have to surfice. I just.... I feel a bit overwhelmed if I'm being honest. Its a lot to happen in such a relatively short amount of time. I feel like I need to cry, physically, but I can't seem to be able to. What would it take at this point I wonder. Well, time for bed I guess.
Journal Entry #?, Sunday November 4, 2018, 02:36
P.S. I just noticed my birthday is in a few days. I need to figure out if there is a way to keep facebook from reminding everyone. Maybe I'll look into that in the morning.
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