Batya, also known as The Toon | born mid-1970s | she/her pronouns | Jewish Orthodox | New Yorker | filker | fanfic writer | foodie | cranky old fandom dowager countess (sort of like being a bitter old fandom queen only less so)
hang on i'm gonna cry a little thinking abt how g-d promised avraham that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the sky and now among millions of descendants there are thousands who literally carry his name, go up to the torah as b'nei avraham v'sarah. that's our mom and dad!
wanna cry a little more? think about how Avraham and Sarah both had trouble believing they could have a child at their advanced age, and then think about how many many centuries later they are still having children who carry their name.
this was submitted as a one sentence horror story, but it feels like it could be an old jewish joke, like the one about the two rabbis proving g-d doesn't exist or the saying 'people plan, g-d laughs'
Even more, it sounds like the beginning -- the set-up -- of the joke. Can’t you hear Carl Reiner opening a bit with this line, or Shalom Aleichem using it to kick off a story?
Well I'm not quite an old Jewish man just yet, but let me give it a shot...
Losing confidence in Himself, G-d became an atheist. He decided to go down to Earth, to walk among humans and see how they found meaning.
He wandered the world until he came to a town, where he happened upon a pastor. "Come to our church this Sunday!" said the pastor. But G-d shook his head. "I don't believe in G-d anymore," he told the pastor sullenly. "And besides, I really shouldn't be working weekends." . . .
He continued wandering, and as night fell, he realized he had no money for a hotel. Walking down the darkening sidewalk, he passed many shivering folk, some young and thin, others old and worn and grizzle-bearded, looking not unlike himself. Just as the rain began to fall, he happened upon a priest. The priest looked him up and down, and said, "You look cold, my son. We're hosting a men's shelter at the church tonight; you can sleep there, and come to Mass tomorrow." This time G-d agreed. He slept well and was warm, and in the morning sat for Mass. They blessed him in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, but he felt beside himself and decided to leave.
By this time G-d was quite hungry. He stopped by a deli, but still had no money, so all he could do was watch the fresh steaming bagels be made. On a bench outside the deli, a man was eating a bagel with lox. As he finished eating, G-d noticed there were still some scraps of food on the waxpaper. Unable to help himself, he asked if he could have the scraps, before the man threw it away. "Please sir, I'm so hungry. I'd just like that crumb of bagel there, and that little shred of lox. I think I could make a bisl of fish last quite a while." The man shook his head. "I cannot in good conscience give you my trash," he said, "But come inside, I'll get you your own bagel. I'd offer to get you coffee—but that's trash too."
So the man bought G-d some breakfast and sat with him on the bench. "Thank you so much," said G-d. "How can I ever repay you?" But the man just shrugged and said, "I'm a rabbi. Buying bagels I don't get to eat is part of the job description."
G-d thanked the rabbi again, and ate in silence. "Rabbi, can I ask you a question? I feel I haven't been on this Earth too long, but already I've seen much misery. How do you do it? How do you still believe in G-d?"
The rabbi pondered this. "I believe in joyful things. I believe in kindness, and people choosing to help each other. And isn't that a kind of godliness?" (G-d suspected there was a bit more to godliness than that, but he let it slide.) The rabbi continued: "I've prayed to G-d every day for the last 30 years, and I will every day til I die. And if He answers my prayers, all the better! But tell me, my new friend, what's your name?" G-d hesitated and said, "It's a little hard to pronounce..." The rabbi chuckled and said, "No matter. Say, it won't be anything like Shabbos dinner, but my wife is baking a delightful fig pie today, and I'd like to have you over for dinner to enjoy it." G-d nodded. "I do like figs..."
That evening, G-d sat for dinner with the rabbi, the rabbi's wife, and their four children. The meal was delicious, the rabbi's family was incredibly welcoming. Their conversation was friendly but never prying, and the children laughed and played with each other. Several times, the youngest child tugged on G-d's sleeve for his attention before her father motioned for her to go play with her siblings. G-d began to see what the rabbi had meant about the joyfulness of life.
At the end of the night, G-d stood up to leave, and felt renewed. The rabbi said, "My friend, don't leave us so soon!" And G-d replied, "I will always be with you, for I am the Lord Your G-d." And they understood it to be true.
He had done this sort of thing a few times before and generally knew how it went. As expected, the rabbi and his family fell to their knees, weeping with joy and awe. He did not expect the youngest child to walk right up and tug G-d's sleeve again. He smiled graciously down at her, and she looked up with the wonderful bright eyes of a child who understands nothing but the urge to play. In a high voice, she said, "Knock knock!" G-d couldn't help but laugh. "Who's there?" He replied cheerfully.
Suddenly from across the room, the rabbi swore loudly and rudely. Dismayed, G-d asked, "What troubles you?" He saw the rabbi was trembling, half in rage and half in embarrassment. "I'm sorry Lord! Thank you for this, thank you so much for gracing us with your light, Baruch Atah and so on, it's just..." The rabbi swore again. "Thirty years of daily prayer, Lord, and a KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE is what you'll answer?"
hey captain-acab, this is the highest compliment i can bestow: it would not have surprised me had i found that story in a book of traditional fables in the shul library
Look, someone has to be the first to make up any traditional Jewish story, why not @captain-acab? If we all keep telling it, then in a generation or two it'll be traditional.
Sometimes do really wish when I'm telling someone "you are demonstrably wrong about this, here's the proof" I could also just add "now also update your FUCKING priors about your own ability to find out the truth from these kinds of 'tells'!" But normal people don't talk about updating priors. Is there even actually a concise way to invoke that concept that doesn't require Weird Vocabulary
approximately, like, "look at the set of baseline assumptions you are operating under, acknowledge that they have failed you here, and alter them to better mesh with this new information"
so in the case in the OP the baseline assumptions would be "I can reliably find out the truth in [specific situation] using a particular set of 'tells,'" and the update would probably be something like "I should downgrade my assessment of how good I currently am at gauging the truth in these kinds of situations, because either the set of "tells" I've been relying on is not as accurate/useful as I've been treating it, or my ability to use them effectively is worse than I previously believed."
Thank you! That's pretty close to what I'd guessed, the clarification is appreciated.
I think probably most people would get that if you were to say something like "check your assumptions" in place of "update your priors". (Whether they would actually take your advice on that is, sadly, much less certain.)
Sometimes do really wish when I'm telling someone "you are demonstrably wrong about this, here's the proof" I could also just add "now also update your FUCKING priors about your own ability to find out the truth from these kinds of 'tells'!" But normal people don't talk about updating priors. Is there even actually a concise way to invoke that concept that doesn't require Weird Vocabulary
Sometimes I see a mutual (usually @animatedamerican ) liking a post I reblogged WEEKS ago and I vaguely wonder if they're going through my tags or if they're being VERY specific about what posts they like as the bingeread my blog
One way to get tasks done in the day is to make yourself a Chekhov's List. Put all of the things you have to do on a list, and now that they've been revealed they'll need to be completed by the afternoon (third act) and when you've completed something you can Chekov that task from the list
hi! thank you so much for your pesach recipe lists. I sent your roundup to help my sister plan her first big cooking contribution when she went to a friend's seder, and that breakfast list saved me when I hit a wall made of matzah brie this weekend. chag Pesach kasher v'sameach!
Oh, I'm so glad it's been helpful to you! This is why I keep posting it and adding to it -- I never know when it's going to cross the dash of someone who really needs it this year. Chag Pesach kasher v'sameach to you too, and thanks for letting me know!
(And in case anyone else could use some inspiration for the rest of the holiday: this is the roundup!)
The Pedant Pendant: a necklace or amulet that curses the wearer to be extremely precise about the smallest of details and obnoxiously correct anyone and everyone around them when they make a mistake, no matter how irrelevant the error
can only be cleansed in the waters of a well actually
Jumping peacock spiders are known for their vibrant colors and elaborate courtship dances. Peacock spiders hunt by stalking their prey until they are within jumping distance, then pouncing and delivering a deadly bite. They are native to Australia.
my brain: hey i bet it would be hilarious to put this video over a backing track of Todrick Hall's "Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels"
me: brain, peacock spiders do not have any of those things
brain: but they do strut strut strut and then sashay
me: ... I can't argue with that
Chilled Creamy Tomato Basil Soup
(adapted from here)
Ingredients:
3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
2 large yellow onions, roughly chopped
2 medium carrots, peeled and sliced into ¼-inch rounds (or shredded)
5 cloves garlic, smashed and peeled
2 (28-oz) cans crushed or diced tomatoes, or 4-5 medium-to-large fresh tomatoes, chopped
4 cups water or vegetable broth
1 ½ cups orange juice, preferably not from concentrate (11 oz bottle is just short of this amount)
¼ cup sugar or other sweetener (optional)
2 ½ teaspoons salt
10 leaves fresh basil, plus more for garnishing soup
⅓ cup heavy cream (or full-fat coconut milk)
Instructions:
Heat the olive oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add the onions, carrots and garlic and cook, stirring occasionally, until vegetables are soft and just beginning to brown, about 15 minutes.
Add the tomatoes, water, orange juice, sugar, salt and basil and bring the soup to a boil. Turn heat down to low, cover and simmer for about 25 minutes.
Purée the soup with a hand-held immersion blender until completely smooth. (Alternatively, use a standard blender to purée soup in batches.)
Stir in the cream. Taste and adjust seasoning with salt and/or sugar if necessary.
Transfer the soup to a container (or leave in the pot if you wish) and refrigerate until very cold.
Ladle the soup into bowls and top with fresh chopped basil. Garnish with whole basil leaves if desired.
—–
Caramelized Cabbage
This can be served as a side dish, on its own or over mashed potatoes or farfel. (Or quinoa, rice, or pasta, depending on your Pesach customs / availability of KfP starches / whether you're serving this during the rest of the year.)
Ingredients:
3 tablespoons margarine, schmaltz, or other cooking fat of choice
1 head green cabbage, approximately 3 pounds, cored and shredded
3 tablespoons honey, agave nectar, maple syrup, or other substitute
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
Instructions:
Put a large deep pan over medium-high heat, and add the fat. When it melts, add the cabbage and sweetener, lower the heat to medium, and sprinkle with salt and pepper.
Cook slowly, stirring often, until all the liquid has evaporated and the cabbage is completely caramelized.
—–
Beef & Mushroom Ragout
Like the above, this can be served over a variety of starches.
Ingredients:
Olive oil and/or schmaltz for frying
1 medium-to-large onion, chopped
1 small leek, chopped
1 large spoonful chopped garlic
Approx 1 tsp tomato paste
Sweet paprika, coriander, black pepper, thyme, basil and savory to taste
Dry red wine
1 package fresh mushrooms, thickly sliced or chopped
1 package cherry tomatoes, quartered
1 package ground beef, or beef and chicken mixed
1 cup chicken broth
Directions:
Heat cooking fat in large skillet. Add onion and cook, alternating high and low heat, until onions are thoroughly translucent and beginning to brown. Add leek and garlic, stir thoroughly, and cook until leek is tender. Push onion mixture to one side and add tomato paste to clear area of pan. Cook, stirring slightly, until beginning to brown. Add spices and stir together, allowing time for spices to bloom, then add red wine. Remove onion mixture from pan into separate bowl, and scrape out thoroughly.
Add mushrooms to pan over high heat and cook until beginning to emit liquid. Add a little more oil, tomatoes, and herbs; stir together. When mushrooms are dark and tomatoes are beginning to collapse, remove from pan and add to the bowl with onion mixture.
Add ground meat to pan, breaking up with spoon or spatula, and cook until starting to brown. Return onion-mushroom-tomato mixture to pan and stir together with the meat. Add chicken broth, mix well, and simmer for about ten to fifteen minutes or until sauce is thickened.
—–
Chicken with Artichokes
Ingredients
1 large whole chicken or the rough equivalent in parts
poultry seasoning to taste (or a combination of ground dried sage, marjoram, & nutmeg)
ground black pepper to taste
olive oil (or a mixture of olive oil and schmaltz)
2 to 3 packages of frozen artichoke bottoms, or the equivalent canned
1 8-oz or 10-oz package of fresh white, cremini, or baby bella mushrooms (optional)
3 to 4 large shallots
about ½ cup of white wine or to taste (I like to use white zinfandel)
about ½ cup of lemon juice or to taste
Instructions
Thaw artichoke bottoms if using frozen.
Combine all herbs and seasonings in a bowl, and add enough olive oil to turn it into a paste. (You may want to add the wine and lemon juice to the marinade at this point, or save it for later basting -- I’ve done it both ways, and they both work.) Set aside a small amount of this mixture, and rub the rest all over your chicken, inside and out -- work some under the skin for best results. Let sit for at least half an hour while you do the next steps, or refrigerate overnight.
Optional: parboil thawed artichoke bottoms for about five or ten minutes in salted and/or acidulated water. (Skip this step if using canned.) Clean and trim mushrooms, and cut in halves or quarters. Peel and thinly slice shallots, and (optionally) saute in a little more olive oil until translucent. Toss all of these together with the reserved marinade and scatter across the bottom of a large roasting pan or sheet pan. Lay the chicken on this bed and pour any remaining marinade over the top, and put into the oven. I usually roast it at 375°-410° F.
After about fifteen or twenty minutes of cooking, drizzle the chicken with the wine and lemon juice. (If the wine and lemon juice were used in the marinade earlier, baste with pan juices and/or add more). Cook until the skin is nicely browning and the chicken oozes clear juices when poked with a fork. At this point, remove the chicken to a separate dish and return the vegetables to the oven in the original pan. Stir occasionally during this last cooking stage, and add to the pan any juices that drain off of the chicken. If the pan seems too dry and the vegetables are at risk of scorching before they’re finished, add half a cup of water (or more wine, or chicken broth) to the pan. Cook until the artichoke bottoms are fork tender and slightly browned along the edges.
Serve hot.
—–
Chocolate Cake / Kahlua Cake
(Please note: name-brand Kahlua is usually not available certified kosher for Pesach, and in many locations is not available with any kosher certification at all. If this is important to you, check your local kosher liquor store or online shops to find kosher for Pesach coffee liqueur; any brand will work.)
Ingredients
2 cups almond flour
⅓ cup unsweetened cocoa powder
½ tsp sea salt
½ tsp baking soda
¼ tsp (approximately) instant coffee
⅔ cup agave nectar
⅓ cup grapeseed oil
2 large eggs
1 tbsp vanilla extract
Preheat oven to 350°F. Line a 9-inch cake pan with parchment paper.
In a large bowl, sift together the almond flour, cocoa powder, coffee, salt, and baking soda. In a medium bowl, whisk together the agave nectar (or moistened sweetener), oil, eggs, and vanilla. Stir the wet ingredients into the dry until combined, and scoop the batter into the prepared cake pan.
Bake for 35 to 40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean. Let cake cool in the pan, then serve.
1 cup finely chopped nuts of choice, e.g. pecans or hazelnuts (optional)
Preheat oven to 325°F. Cover a large cookie sheet with aluminum foil or use a disposable sheet.
Grease foil with butter or margarine. Lay the matzos in a single layer, breaking as needed to fill the sheet completely. Set aside.
In a large saucepan, melt the butter or margarine over medium-low heat. Add the brown sugar and boil for 5 minutes, stirring constantly. Watch carefully to make sure it doesn't boil over.
Pour the brown sugar mixture over the matzos, spreading evenly. Bake for 8-10 minutes. Turn the oven off. Remove the pan and sprinkle chocolate over matzos. Put back in oven for another 8 minutes.
Remove from oven and spread chocolate in an even layer. Sprinkle with chopped nuts. Refrigerate for one hour. Break into pieces. Store in airtight container in refrigerator.
Vorkosigan Saga has an 8 foot tall genetically engineered super soldier werewolf babe and the only good art I can find of her is this compendium cover:
Now that the author reveal has happened, I can post the art of Taura that I made in HeroForge as part of my contribution to this year's Purimgifts fic exchange! (Not to get anyone's hopes up: the fic isn't about Taura, but I wanted her for a crowd scene in the art.)
This is one I made for a large composite titled "Vorkosiverse Ladies at Tea":
It's as close as I could get using the premade HeroForge costume elements (tweaked considerably with the Kitbash function) to the outfit she's described as wearing in "Winterfair Gifts" after Lady Alys Vorpatril takes her to a modiste.
These two alternate looks are best approximations of outfits she wears earlier in the series: Dendarii Mercenaries combat uniform (with nonregulation pink bow), and a date-night-with-Miles look.
That you don't have to keep That Thing™ in your story just because you came up with it a long time ago and now it's hindering your story or doesn't fit anymore. Even if you came up with it with someone. Even if you've shared it with a million people.
Save it for something else. But cut it out of the story that it isnt working for.
The completely reasonable urge to flood my therapist's inbox with the results of 500,000 studies about the damage done by Covid after she used the term "health anxiety" in reference to me continuing to mask and being frustrated that other people won't.
I stopped seeing my therapist in 2024, when I told him that my mother-in-law was getting over Covid and he was startled that anyone was still getting it.
And I realized I had to reinterpret everything he'd ever said in consultation with me about the measures I have been taking at work to avoid Covid, and the difficulties I've been having about it, in light of the new understanding that he had long been assuming that my concerns were irrational.
I really should find a new therapist but man, I'm. I'm so tired.
