Silly Brown Lady

[sillybrownladycorner]

Committing To A Compulsive Flirt (Part 1)

I snooped at his phone. I'm not proud of it. I despise myself for doing it.

One, because whatever reason I had, it was an invasion of his privacy and it was wrong.

Two, because I knew I just shot myself in the foot. 

It was a Tuesday. May 1.  It was a holiday and we planned to check in for the night so we can go to work together the next day. While we were having dinner his phone vibrated. His face lit up and he grunts "bat ngayon ka nagparamdam?" ("why text me just now?").  I think that was the moment this stupid ticking time bomb was planted into my brain's frontal lobe. And he texted away. texted during the dinner. Texted during driving.Yeah, sure, I could have thought about a hundred of other reasons or stories behind the reaction (and I did, for the sake of giving him the benefit of the doubt), But like I said. Something in me set off the time bomb. 

Later that night, after our "intimacy session", he fell asleep. I saw his phone lying on the table and kablam goes my precious bomb.

I went straight to his messages and found a conversation of him and this good for nothing dumbass bi- -

-this girl. (Lord, forgive me) (who am I kidding. I’m agnostic)

Anyway. This girl was someone who've had "serviced" him before in the past in a happy ending spa. Needless to say their relationship outgrew the client-provider boundary. He said it never really progressed, she relocated back to Davao and got herself a boyfriend. That was his past, that’s really none of my business. So I didn’t care much. 

Then recently he went to Davao for business (legit business. I can confirm). He was there for like 2 days. I didn't give a shit though. I wasn't some psycho gf who'd suspect him for every trivial thing. I've even forgotten that this girl existed. I didn't care. 

Until I found myself chugging my fourth bottle of Red Horse and have finished half a pack of my newly bought Marlboro pack. 

"I miss you terribly"

"If only you responded that time..."

"If I was able to meet with you that time, I might not have been able to control myself...."

He deleted some of the texts. I know because the conversation had some points referring to texts that were sent during the time he was in Davao. But I found no trace of them. 

Don't even get me started on technical bullshit.

Facts. 

The texts were suggestive

It was hurtful on my part. 

He knew that.

He was trying to hide it. 

It was deliberate.

Another thing here is that I don't know which is the more hurtful scenario here. 

He wasn't able to consider what I'd feel during the time he was sending those (how the fuck, when I was beside him having dinner)

or he did consider what I'd feel but did it anyway.

I had to get up and smoke. and smoke and then drink beer and smoke some more and then some more and then get some more beer and smoke again.

God. I felt numb. I didn't know how to think and feel and what to do. And I kept laughing and smiling as he watched me drown myself with beer. And he kept asking what was happening.

I kept smiling because I didn't want to cry.

I kept smiling because it's ridiculous. this whole thing is.

I kept smiling because I needed to distract myself from feeling the pain. 

I kept smiling because I didn't want to be weak.

I kept smiling because I was scared as hell. 

I kept smiling because I didn't want to get hurt. not like this. 

So I told him while smiling,

"Next time, when you know you're meeting up with me. Make sure you clean your..."

and I couldn't finish it. Because there is a part of me that refuses to admit that I'm that type of girl. the girl who snoops. the neurotic girlfriend. 

I couldn’t finish it because there’s this semblance of pride and dignity left somewhere in me that refuses to submit to the idea I was about to suggest

"clean my what? my nose? ear?..."

he’s funny like that. I laughed.

"Your phone."

and I broke into tears. 

He knew what I was taking about. l

And all he could say was "Don't think about it"

And I'm like, "HOW? How the fuck do I not think about it? Do you think I like thinking about it? That I actually enjoy thinking about it? I don't!  Believe me, if I had a choice to think about it or not, I really wouldn't. But I guess sometimes it really isn't up to me what this goddamn brain choose to think about, is it? If you know how. Please teach me."

And he goes "you know I love you"

I do. I do know. And I know it's supposed to make me feel better but it doesn't. It only made things worse, actually. Because it doesn't make sense. And that's what's killing me.

[sillybrownladycorner]

Murphy’s Law

“If anything can go wrong, it will.”

Murphy is not a very good motivational speaker. I can only imagine. 

Today’s my mental health talk. I can’t book an Uber. And the first thing this manong tells me in the morning is, “papaniwalaan ka ba nila e bata ka pa”. 

I am enraged. it’s 6 in the morning and I am furious. 

Furious that I can’t book a fucking Uber, Furious that I don’t have a very supportive father. 

Furious that the credibility of a person is measured by age. 

You want credibility?

Here’s my credibility. 

I am a graduate of BS Psychology in the Far Eastern University, Manila. I am an advocate of Mental Health. 

I am a person who as much as I hate to admit, genuinely CARES a lot. 

Yes, I am young. Yes, I am inexperienced. But that is not gonna stop me from getting up that stage and pick up that microphone and speak. Speak for my advocacy, speak for what I know, and speak for what I believe in. 

I am surrounded with people battling with mental health issues, while I’m battling with my own. 

This community I am in is in danger. I am not a superhero but I am not gonna sit tight and watch the world burn. 

Are they going to believe me? Are they going to trust me? That’s not up to me. That’s not up to my experience and that’s certainly not up to my age. 

When someone is drowning. It doesn’t really matter how young or how old the person who throws a lifeline is.

“papaniwalaan ka ba nila e bata ka lang?”

papaniwalaan ka ba nila e matanda ka lang?

[sillybrownladycorner]

Credibility Issue

I was invited to do a talk on mental health this coming March 9. Of course I am excited. petrified. but happy. I thought this was an opportunity for me. And it must be just right. Before 2017 ended, I told myself I should practice speaking in front. That it’s a skill I’d like to develop. Come January, poof! I’m invited to be a resource speaker for a mental health event. 

Do I want to do it? Hell yes. 

Am I ready to do it? Damn no. 

Should I do it? I already said yes to them. fuck me. 

I am pretty excited. Until I talked with V about it. 

Funny how one question from her can dissolve every semblance of self-esteem and confidence I have. 

“What makes you credible to talk about mental health?”

damn. 

I shouldn’t do this. 

[sillybrownladycorner]

Illegitimi non carborundum

I forgot which William Bernhardt book

“Don’t let the bastards grind you down!”

To the future me who’ll be reading all of the entries I have, you’re probably in deep thought right now. Maybe you’re down and depressed. Or maybe, just having a bad day,

I just survived a the most ridiculous morning I’ve ever had. it includes bad luck, my own stupidity, and a little lot of sweat and aching leg.

this is how you will survive your day. Get a grande sized dark mocha frapuccino from Starbucks. No whip. Non fat milk. No questions. you deserve it. even if you think you don’t. Cool down. Keep smiling. and do what you have to do.

[sillybrownladycorner]

For quite some time I’ve been ranting about my current job. How I feel like my brain is rotting and I’m making too little and the management is terrible and the benefits are sucky and that I should soon quit.

And like I said, I have been at it for months. And the reason why I haven’t is I might be just going through a “millennial” phase. I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do and I couldn’t really see clearly. I was afraid I was being this self-entitled, egotistical, whiny, millennial brat who’s thrown into the real world and started throwing tantrums about the unsatisfied need for instant gratification.

I have been going at it for months, telling myself I don’t deserve this kind of menial job, that my smart brain is being wasted, my time is being consumed, that I could make so much more if I were in another business.

Although all of this is true, the thing is, while I was going on about it, I got lax. demotivated. disinterested. Before I realize it, I was underperforming.

It was disgusting. I see myself so highly but I can’t even perform anything well even these “menial” tasks. And although I have every reason for my poor performance, it’s still inexcusable. It doesn’t validate my underperformance.

I need to be good. even in stupid shit like what I’m doing now. I should be good. I should remind myself often that I should kick ass in whatever I’m doing. Whether it’s something I love doing or not, if I’m doing it, I might as well KICK ASS. Get a grip, sweetie.

[sillybrownladycorner]

I understand that you probably went through some shit or whatever to become like that and I feel sorry for you and I wish you all the best and all the friends that can be there for you and be chummy with you and actually like talking as much as you do. 

 I’m not one of those friends. I am sorry. But you are so... noisy. So... incessantly talkative. and shallow. and dependent. 

You have good- -amazing qualities as well and I admire you in some way but I am too much of an introvert to handle you. 

The last time I spent the night with you, you drove and talked. we walked and you talked. and talked some more. we ate dinner and you talked more. went to a spa to relax and you talked. we went to your home and I wanted to sleep but then you played a movie for us to watch. and talked through the entire movie, like I’m some blind idiot relying on sound effects and your narration of the entire thing. And then we went to sleep. and you played some music. and you talked more. I’m already sleeping and you’re still talking. The next day you took me to your derma and on the way, you talked about everything and anything under the sun. and I fell asleep and I woke up and you were still talking. 

I get mentally and physically exhausted just by being beside you. Dear, it’s traumatizing. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. 

[sillybrownladycorner]

me, trying to comfort myself. 

me: the universe hates me.  also me: The universe doesn’t hate you, dear... The universe doesn’t actually care about you. 

thanks, me. 

[sillybrownladycorner]

Jinxed

So my day started with me waking up from a nightmare. That was my fault. I tried to induce lucid dreaming. So I’m able to laugh that off. Took a shower, got dressed, went out and saw a battalion waiting for a tricycle. So instead, I went back inside and booked an Uber. Rate was 500 so I opted for the carpool option (Hoping there wouldn’t be a 2nd rider). But then again, the universe seems to hate my ass for god knows what reason. 2nd rider, there was. We wasted 20 fucking minutes waiting for her. I had to fucking call her. Her excuse, was “Sorry, wala kasing notif”. (putanginamopo).

Being the pretentious optimist me, I calmed myself down. Let go move on. I am going to be late. Yes, Fucking fuckitty fuck fucker but what can I do. Let’s not get stressed.It’s only 8 am, let’s not let it get to me. 

I decided to get some breakfast from KFC first before going to the office, still not giving up on making my day better. Welp. My choice of breakfast is sold out. Figures. I got a chicken steak instead. 

I got in the office, a co-worker was there. The phone was ringing so I answered it. A demon has been unleashed. -complaining why nobody was answering the goddamn phone. 

Jesus F. Christ

[sillybrownladycorner]

 I don’t want to but I am regretting eating half a gallon of ice cream last night. 

It’s bad enough that I’m sick of my life in the office. I don’t need to be feeling physically sick as well. 

I have to get back to feeling fab. But I don’t think cutting off my ice cream will cut that. 

i need to get out of here. 

[sillybrownladycorner]

Millennial Phase

I’ve been thinking of quitting my job for a few months now. I have been for a lot of things.

My brain is rotting. Pay is not so good. (sure, pay’s enough for what I do but certainly not worth rotting my brain for, consuming my time,) Benefits and terms are… sucky. I hate having to feel guilty for having to take a leave.I hate having to feel owing someone that I have to take my lunch. I hate doing these stupid little things that didn’t really require for me to have gone to college for 4 years and pass the board exam. I hate going to bed at night already hating the morning. I hate waking up hating the entire day already.

but then if I wanted to quit so much, why haven’t I?

Because I’m still not sure if it’s the right thing to do. Because maybe I’m just being too “Millennial”. Maybe I’m just guilty of wanting instant gratification. Maybe my self-esteem is too high for my own good. Maybe my thinking that I can do better and be great and be somewhere better and that I deserve it is an illusion.

[sillybrownladycorner]

Where Are You?

Dear you,

I’m not gonna ask how you’re doing. From what you’ve told me from last time, you’re not ok. The past few days, I’ve been wondering where you are, what you’re doing, who you’ve become. (can’t help it when you said you’re not who you used to be). I wondered whether you ever think of me. (yeah, I’m self-centered that way.) I know you have a lot to deal with right now and the only reason I let you disappear on me again (as if I had any control over that), is because I don’t want to be another problem you’d have to deal with. You made it pretty clear that you don’t want me involved. And although that hurt like a bitch (considering you’re my best friend), I let you slip. Because I respected your decisions. And frankly, as much as I want to be there for you, I can’t do anything if you don’t want me to.

But then again, I still blame myself. Maybe it’s my fault that I didn’t make myself present enough for you. Maybe I’m a sucky friend. Because if I wasn’t I’d have been with you. I’d have known your home address, I would have stalked you. I would have done my best to keep annoyingly close to you and I wouldn’t have let this happen. I could have made you rely on me more. I would have goddamned paid more attention.  But instead i was this self-centered whiny bitch who took you for granted.

I had no intentions of making this about me especially when you’re the one who’s gong through shit. (But then again, this is MY blog so why the hell not?)

I wish we’d talk again. I wish I could still reach you. I wish I had another chance to force you into relying on me.

[sillybrownladycorner]

Almost there-thursday

For the third time this month, we have a loooong weekend!!!

August is my favorite month from now on. I’m done with Januaries and Birthdays and blue skies. All hail the month of August and long weekends and rainy weather. 

I’ve downloaded the whole season 4 of The Blacklist, I’m going to the grocery for ice cream and marshmallows later before going home and I’m all set.