I don’t know if we were ever friends. I was in your discord, witnessed its end. I talked to you or near you for a few years, a long time ago now. I think I understand you better now than I did then, though not completely, never completely. I tried staying friends with the ones left over, bought the lies they told about you, maybe I still do. It wasn’t worth it. They aren’t good people, and they never cared about me. Nobody ever did. Nobody ever will. But for a while, it felt like someone did. I had hope, that something better might exist, however small. I always thought you were strong, smart, capable, kind, when we interacted. You seemed empathetic, noticed I wasn’t okay, tried checking in. I hope you’re okay. Even if you don’t deserve to be, even if you don’t think you deserve to be. I hope you have hope, that you don’t feel how I do. Thanks, I think.
-Someone whose name you probably wouldn’t remember.
I wanted to say goodbye to somebody who might actually hear me.
There is no side to the story. There is only a lesson. The people who rush to tell stories do so for a reason.
And that was all part of it. I’ve recorded it all. The discord fell precisely as predicted. I tried making alterations to stop or slow it. But that was the experiment. To see what would happen in the right type of group.
A number of scenarios were created to see certain behaviors isolated. I tinkered. It didn’t matter. The pattern is the pattern.
I’m not capable of defending against lies I haven’t heard. So it doesn’t merit doing. I would ask if their stories absolve them of guilt responsibility or paint them a hero. Ought to be a clue.
I can’t care about people who a) were test subjects who agreed to it, b) demonstrated cruel behaviors toward one another, not to mention the way I was treated in my role as the central figure. Believe it or not, I was not worshipped. Much the opposite. That is why I continued to say, this is not a cult. It was a study. And finally C) no one ever cared to see the results or discuss them. It was about a resource being cut off. The moment I showed I was indeed also studying them, the attack was instant. Those who asked to hear the results thought that their behavior wasn’t noticed. It was. I don’t have energy for nonsense.
Accusations galore. I was accused, quite publically and in scandalous fashion, of trying to capitalize on a neat hook for publication. Can my books now be found? Did they ever or do they make any money? Was that the intent? Or was the writing a way of delivering the lore?
I am not troubled by what people say of me. They’re ridiculous people who bought in on something only to target me when they didn’t get what they wanted. They broke it. It was built to be broken, they pulled the jenga block.
My friend, let me be clear: no one will see you if you don’t show. No one will know you if you don’t expose yourself to viewing. No one will like you if you don’t like you. Stop judging yourself by another measure. Be you. Unapologetically. That is the secret. Know your morals. Your core. Do what you do. Always analyze. Accept no mistreatment.
I tried to pay attention. And I did. I cared as much as possible about every single person who became my friend, but the level of entitlement boggles the mind. I cannot care, when I see absolutely no care reciprocated in any demonstrable way. And I do not mean for me. I mean in general for each other, for the thing they were interacting in,. I cannot be gentle with people who use any space to pull their attention seeking bullshit, and on one another. I never promised I’d sanitize the group to make sure you’d have a good cohort. I chose for specific traits. I’m sorry if the relationships built were so reliant on the experiment. Or if the pool of friends was not ideal. Such is the nature of the thing.
See it as proof you can at least find friends over common interests. And that group won’t be an active behavioral experiment.
From the moment I published, I dealt with entitlement, demanding behavior, pointless vitriol, bullying, stalking, and so on. I’m not claiming victimhood. These were the behaviors being studied, but don’t expect me to be contrite or apologetic for cataloguing what humanity does with unusual people.
If you participated, thank you. Your surveys were immensely helpful. I am, believe it or not, pleased. In as much as one can be in such circumstances. If you trolled or bullied thinking you weren’t participating, thanks for participating. If you tried making friends only to then do the same, thanks for participating. And if you tried worse…you should be ashamed, but likely never will be.
I am content to let this place vanish, and move on with my existence. Yes, I am well. Yes, I am approaching some happiness. Then again, I had that before. And during.
I played entertainer for too long. It was a nice exercise. Reminded me why I prefer to eat people rather than deal with them.
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