from Ghost Boy, the first song in The Civility of Albert Cashier; a trans-produced musical about Civil War soldier Albert Cashier who fought for the Union and lived most of his life as a man until he was outed in old age and forcibly detransitioned. Young Albert is played by actor Dani Shay (they/them) and the music was done in part by musician Joe Stevens (he/him). The entire show can be watched (without captions; the captions in the above video were added by me) here.
sorry i can't ever shut up about this musical but this show is a foundational text in transmasc studies. to me.
these lyrics from the above song ("Ghost Boy"):
Take me away
to a place
where I'm not strange,
and I'm not alone.
The world's not safe
and I am afraid
at the end of today
I know I'm on my own
and I'm never going home.
always fucking hit. tell me this doesn't strike at the heart of so much transmasc pain. (more lyrics under the cut)
and there's also a scene between Albert and his cis male love interest, Jeffrey, who loves Albert in a gay way but proposes that he detransition so that they can live together as a married couple after finding out Albert is trans. and there's a heartbreaking song ("The Perfect Home") where Albert is refusing the offer and trying to explain that to the man he loves that he simply cannot give up his life as a man, even if it would be easier and safer and allow them to be together:
Jeffrey:
We could have children -
Albert:
God, Jeff!
Jeffrey:
Teach them to stand up and live free
I'd keep your secret,
No one would know but you and me
Albert:
But that isn't free
Jeffrey:
But you'd be with me
Albert:
It's not my dream
Jeffrey:
But don't you see?
Albert:
Don't you see me?
and this is followed by another song in which Albert considers the life ahead of him & finds meaning and hope in choosing himself and his freedom:
Could I be satisfied
To live someone else's life
It doesn't feel right
And I don't know why
Deep in the heart of me
I know what I believe
To live as I want is a sacrifice
It's quite a mountain to climb
But I gotta try [...]
Like a cloud has been lifted here
I can see it all so clear
I don't want to disappear
But I can't live a lie
Goodbye
(also, there is the song "Excuse Me, Sir" which is about Jeffrey looking for Albert after he was taken by Confederates, and him slowly realizing that the feelings he has for his Brave Handsome Smart Boy Best Friend are, in fact, romantic love)
& then there is the song "Woman to Woman" which is set when Albert is aging and has been outed, and is now on trial. the cis nurse who has been targeting him, and iirc outed him, comes to speak to him in private. she's trying to convince him to admit his male identity is a mental illness and willingly detransition, threatening that if he doesn't he will be institutionalized. she projects her own experiences under patriarchy onto him, insisting that if she wasn't allowed to become a doctor, he shouldn't be allowed to get away with (what she sees as) trying to escape the burden of womanhood. which to me anyone interested in cis woman/trans man dynamics should watch that scene/song.
Nurse Smith:
Who cares about the truth? Do you know what happens when we don't fit in? We suffer. We fall out of step. I did my work, I followed the rules, and so must you
Albert:
Are you happy?
Nurse Smith:
Life isn't about being happy. We must submit, accept the pain. Now I'm asking you, one last time
Albert:
I'd rather die for the truth than live a lie like you
Nurse Smith:
I see.
You're undone at the stitch,
You ungrateful old bitch!
I'm not here to be scolded by you
I have stated my mind
And I think you will find
That the world won't be kind
To you.
and then. well. the penultimate song is "Breathe. Walk. Home." which is about Albert's final moments, having been forcibly transitioned (and eventually dying as a direct result of this, due to an injury he got from being forced to walk in dresses after a lifetime of wearing pants). and we see him have a conversation with his younger self, while wondering if he wasted his life trying to be a man:
Old Albert:
I don't recognize what I see
That person there, that's not me
I lived my life the way that I -
The way that I saw fit
This isn't it!
This isn't it
Where's the world I used to know? [...]
Old Albert (to reflection):
What did you do?
Young Albert:
I survived. I lived my truth.
Old Albert:
How did you know?
I didn't know, I just kept moving.
What else could I do?
Both:
What else can you do?
Old Albert:
They took my name -
Young Albert:
They can't take your name
Old Albert:
They took all that I owned -
Young Albert:
Let them take what they want
No, they can't take your soul
Old Albert:
But if you're old like me
You've lived long enough to know
Both:
We can't ever go home
We can't ever go home
There's some battles you face
And there's some where you run
You must fight all your days
It's not done 'til it's done.
every so often I remember when they crashed a train into a nuclear waste storage container, on purpose, to demonstrate how durable they were, and the storage container didn't lose any measurable containment whatsoever.
meanwhile, coal power plants can spray radioactive coal ash willy-nilly into the atmosphere all day and all night, but noooo, it's nuclear power that's the scary bad polluter.
I'm so glad that that truncated fucking ran-into-a-wall-at-speed tadpole-ass looking squirrel only lives in high altitude forests in Borneo bc this means I am extremely unlikely to encounter one in my day to day life. thank god
