how to make The Chosen One choose YOU: flirting, baz pitch style
(honestly im basically shitposting at this point, but i just love carry on so much. leave me be)
“I like this better than fighting,” - Simon Snow (The Chosen One)
threaten him with a viking’s funeral
(“do you know what that is, snow? A flaming pyre, set adrift on the sea. We could do yours in blackpool, so all your chavvy Normal friends can come,”)
make him cry, then drop your handkerchief sarcastically on his bed
call him a disgrace to magic
make sure it’s first thing in the morning, too, for added effect
turn on the charm. Woo him with your best lines
example, (what if I took your magic, cast it against you, and settled baz versus simon once and for all?)
don’t just rely on words. Act on your feelings too
example, push him down a flight of stairs, attempt to feed him to a chimera, etc.
cavort with his gf in the woods
bonus points if he sees it (hell, hold her hands too while you’re at it)
cant accept your own feelings? Conspire with your aunt to take him down
no chosen one, no problem
hopeless love? Have a backup plan
example: marry his ex and find a thousand different men who look like him and break each of their hearts a different way
just try to be honest with your feelings. Tell him you want him by your side
(“what if I accidentally Turned you? Then i’d be stuck with your pious face forever,”)
invite him to your victorian mansion for christmas under the guise of “truce”
– bring him to the british museum, steal a few books, take a walk around the park and find a place where he can eat curry while you read your stolen goods
dont forget to be a good conversationalist
(“you should eat something,”)
confused? Lost? Failed at something important?
Hell, set a few trees on fire and wait for the flames to consume you
bonus points if you’re flammable
(hint! Hint! This is a good chance for a >>>KISS<<<!!!)
if you do it right, HE’LL kiss YOU
sulk and stomp away if he doesnt pull you into his arms and say “good morning, darling” when he opens his eyes first thing in the morning
respond to his feelings properly
(“you slept in my arms,”)
found out your bf literally couldn’t be a bigger mess/supervillian/insiduous humdrum?
Kiss him, anyway (because you match)
(“i’m not the humdrum! But why does thinking so make you want to kiss me?”)
(“Everything makes me want to kiss you”)
seriously, I was swooning when I got to this part. Like. Seriously. Swooning. (I think I was crying a little too)
say I love you. like, a lot
I was eleven years old, and I’d lost my mother, and my soul, and the crucible gave me you
You were the centre of my universe. Everything else spun around you
looking at you was like looking directly into the sun
BONUS: HE WAS PRACTICALLY PROPOSING OKAY
who needs magic? I’m going to turn you into a vampire and make you live with me forever
no, no im not crying. i just have a bit of snowbaz in my eye