Giving It All.

A blog about being 18, being honest, and sharing it with the Internet.

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I am not sure what day this is, but oh my God. I am so happy. 3.3.16

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Day 4.

Today I wore shorts for the first time since the scars appeared on my legs. And I didn’t worry about people looking at them and I didn’t reach to cover them subconsciously. Such a small thing, such a big moment.

2.20.16

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Giving It All. Day 2.

Well, day two is always harder than day one. But I have heard that day three is the hardest. 

Today was a day. I had a pre-cal test, in which I suffered from very much internal test anxiety. Of course, there was nothing else to do other than do my best to complete the test. The whole day before seemed to be a breeze, like most days here are. I am trying my best to make every day a better one. That is what all this is about, making myself better each day. Giving it all to myself. 

I cried because of how much I missed my mother today. This felt weird mostly because I have never really felt like I have missed my mother until this year. A lot has changed this year. So, in 7th period, I called her in tears and tried to explain to her why I missed her so much. It is hard to explain through over the phone while a theatre department are wondering why their vice president in crying in the corner. Nothing would help; I just wanted my mother. 

I am finishing my school day in rehearsal. The Crucible. I feel like this show is so fitting for who I am trying to become. Melt away all the pretense and get to the core of who I am. I know I can do it. 

I am giving it all to myself today. At least I am trying to. 

2.18.16

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How to float while 10 feet under water. Doing this.

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Giving It All. Day 1.

I am a person of very many flaws, as any human is. As the new month rolled it, I couldn’t shake the feeling of needing something more. Something felt too off center for my liking. So, being the person I am, I created a checklist. I am growing with God, check. I am doing well in school, check. I’ve gotten into college, check. All of the surface, right on top issues seemed to have a big shiny check right next to them. Then I realized. There is this girl inside of me that is much more kind, soft, and honest. She has stronger legs and a stronger sense of self. She is bright and she knows the things she needs to know. She doesn’t hesitate but she never overdoes. This person inside is a balancing act of strong and gentle. She has a strong faith. She is happily and unapologetically herself. She is the one thing in life she can control. I am the one thing in life I can control. I owe this girl that I wish to be so much more. If I truly aspire to see change, I have to start giving my all to that girl. I have to start listening and respecting that girl. So, that’s what this blog is now. I feel as though I shouldn’t delete all of the posts that came before it because I am not deleting who I was and who I am now. I’m just evolving and growing. So, every melodramatic teen moment and Great Big Issue of the past is going to remain. But now, I am doing my best (and documenting) to give my all to that girl. Really, to myself. This is day 1. This is for me. I am giving it all.

2.17.16.

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The dreams keep happening and there is nothing I can do to chase them away. The problem is that they don't only happen when I am sleeping. They happen when I am walking or reading or simply watching something. Then suddenly I'm afraid that you're somewhere else, having trouble breathing or sleeping. That you need something. Then you send me a message and I reach for you through a screen. But I can't respond because that would be the wrong thing to do. This is all the wrong thing to do. And so I only talk to you and protect you and ask about your day through nightmarish dreams and broken down déjà vu.

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Apparently transparent.

So, January is here again. It seemed like this world never come. A year ago I can remember myself staring out of the window at a Starbucks wondering if it was at all possible to feel genuinely good again. At the beginning of 16, I couldn’t seem to see 17 in my future. Lately i’ve been reading my journal from this time last year. It seems incredibly impossible that I am here, now, dancing, now. Even breathing, now. This month, really this past seven days, has been a battle between cold and gentle. I am one to love so easily, but it all feels so conditional. Conditional on my mood, my day, my surroundings, my energy. But I am determined to be honest with myself and my loved ones. The ones that matter. I am setting out to be apparent and transparent. This January is going to be my January. 

-Sierra. 

1.7.16

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11/26/15

I just wanted you to stay

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11/18/15

Tonight is a night in which I find so much comfort being alone

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11/17/15

Crazy how different things are when you stop letting people be your home.

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11/15/15

WHEN WILL YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND IS AN AWFUL HUMAN AND HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. ITS LIKE YOU'RE OBLIVIOUS TO TRUTH. I WANT YOU BOTH OUT. I DESPISE HIM AND I DESPISE YOU FOR LOVING WHAT HE IS.

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11/15/15

Dear future person, I hope you’re okay tonight. I’ve made some room in my life. Slight changes, nothing big. But there is room, so feel free to enter.

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11/10/15

Today felt more Begin Again than All Too Well and that is so important

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11/9/15

You'll remember me best at midnight in the black dress on the familiar couch in an unfamiliar setting and I'm so excited for the next "I miss you" because your bed is cold and your phone is empty and you realize that sometimes goodbye isn't coming back.