The Dark World
Itâs been years (Years? I mean AGES or CENTURIES) since my last post. I believe I was 17 or 20-ish when I wrote my last post? I donât know.
But now Iâm an adult. 25 years old and ghaddamit Iâm telling all of you how easy and hard life is. Easy because after graduating from the university, life has given me my first job a month before I actually graduated. After stepping on that stage and receiving my diploma I got to work. Although, it wasnât as fun as I thought it would be. I mean, being a property consultant immediately after graduation (thanks uni for having that work fair) there were adjustments here and there. We hold our hours at work and freely walk everywhere and even go to the capital city, just going to the mall with my classmate who were then my workmates (Yes we got in together on that company), itâs like cutting classes all over again. I could even remember weâd go out of the office saying weâre going to give out flyers and ended heading to our house and weâd swipe on Tinder altogether until we realize we need to go back to the office to time out.
Fast forward, we ended up jumping to another company altogether, however it didnât go so well on that part. I mean, if you consider your boss throwing tantrums at you and even shouting on the phone as normal then I ainât taking it. We left as soon as possible.
I didnât get a job for one year after that but I had a great friend! I donât know how to call him but weâre friends but we fuck. We see each other then we fuck.We get jealous sometimes of each otherâs Tinder match and we fuck. It didnât go so well. Left me sad for a couple of months, then I had a new job as a travel agent. Man, loads of money, didnât even leave the company for two and a half years. I mean, it might sound that I may have good run, but I donât. Behind the stories I had just blurted out were sadness, self doubt, insecurities, abandonment issues, spends most of my time alone since my whole family are workaholics, my brothers have their own home now and families. Yeah, pretty much I spend my time alone. But I picked up a new skill: Baking. The problem is that Iâm baking for who? My parents wonât even eat them. At least I fed myself for a week with under cooked bread and over baked cookies. Me and my friends went our separate ways just so we could see where we truly fit in, what job, our skills and all it was like a good ending for a chic flick which then started our own stories.It was a dark and lonely world for me. Iâm a quiet person but friendly at the same time. I make new friends along the way, some didnât last long, so much for being friendly. On my day offs I just find myself in my room thinking what else to do. My workmates and I go bar hopping, get drunk and go home still drunk. Watch movies alone in my room.
As an aspiring actor such as myself I did try out for auditions in the capital but I only get call backs with no calls. I got a part but never really got to set because of of work. I enrolled myself with my own money for fashion school which... I found out wasnât really my passion. The biggest reality check for me is you can be ambitious, you did a lot in school and all but after graduation you get to ask yourself a question: Am I happy doing this? Well whatever youâre doing maybe you got a job, doing auditions, sewing new clothes or even cooking in the kitchen if it makes you happy then great job. It lasted long for years even thinking you could do this forever? Even better! But for me, it took years to find what I want to do. I quit my job as a travel consultant and auditioned for so many. Got a job as a DJ and I was at my happiest.
During this run, I met this person. I am not going to say who this person is but what I can say is he is the best person I ever met. Reliable, moderately responsible, funny, supportive and optimistic. When I met him life was different. At first I find myself moping over living a dull grey life of just work and go home. Heck, I couldnât even afford a small talk with my parents, I wake up their at work and go home their asleep, on my day off theyâre still at work. But with him it was different. He kind of panted my grey world. Although we had problems every now and then we managed to fix it. We grew up together and we laugh most of the time. I find myself in his house most of the time more than I spend in our own house. It was great. It was the best years of my life and even before my radio job I was already happy and being a DJ was a bonus. Until the unthinkable happened. Tables were turned and itâs all because of me. I ended up finding myself crying in my bed, in our garage with bottles of alcohol everywhere. I lost my dream job. Traumas, waves or episodes of depression. It felt like I was running too happily not knowing I was running towards a cliff. My world crashed. We tried to patch things up but we never really fixed things even though we think weâre fixing things. We built weak bridges. It wasnât as stable.
I had to fake it until I make it. Got back from my job after a couple of visit on therapy and antidepressants. It was fake happiness mostly until this year. I donât see the most important person much as before because of my stupid incident. I did well on my job but the job isnât doing much. Then the pandemic hit. Months in quarantine and I feel like the most important person doesnât even bother seeing me anymore. No more video calls, calls or short visits. My job? Got us locked up at home with nothing to do. Until now, no more movies to watch, no more games to play, nothing. I donât have much friends and it does feel like Iâm nothing to them anymore.
What hurts me the most the most important person. I could count on him on anything but now... nothing. It felt like he picked me up from my grey life and put me back in again. I know I did something wrong but we managed to go through so many. I accepted his faults but why is mine so unacceptable? Is this what the real world feels like? This dark world we call life?
To be honest if I canât fulfill my dream and we couldnât fix anything anymore, I donât think I would even see my own purpose in the world anymore. If youâre going to ask me what is your next step. I would say: I donât know.
I donât know.
I donât know what else to do. I keep praying that I know God has a plan for me not to harm me but to give me hope and a future. I know I could do all things through Christ because he gives me strength. I still hold on to that hope. My head keeps telling me âWhat now?â My heart knows my prayers are heard and I know God has something in store for me. But my impatient mind keeps bothering me âYour dreams are impossible and the person you love the most turned his back on you, what are living for?â
My dreams. I know God is able and is are my dreams. I will not die not doing what I love. I would rather die if I find myself moping around thinking where I went wrong with my life. God forgives. Thatâs all what I have in mind. What is my purpose to live?
I still donât know.
But we can wait and see from here.