Open Book

forever clever.

[simpleasthisindigo]

Nobody should ever compliment me EVER. I involuntarily become an asshole.

[simpleasthisindigo]

jfc nothing pisses me off more than when someone knows that you don't really like to be touched physically and they still do it because they thinks it's endearing and cute. It's just plain irritating. Especially when I have I keep telling you to stop. It literally makes me so fuckin uncomfortable and gives me so much anxiety.

[simpleasthisindigo]

People really suck sometimes.

[simpleasthisindigo]

I feel too alone for the world to be this loud.

[simpleasthisindigo]

A really cute boy smiled at me today, and some how it was enough.

[simpleasthisindigo]

Okay so on Saturday I met this boy (cliche I know). He's some how related to my best friend and we hit it off really well. We talked about everything from food to movies to music to books an it was all very weird to me. Weird because I don't usually carry on conversation all that well. Weird because we had a lot in common. Weird because I really like him. Even weirder because he seems to like me. We're going on a date Friday...and it may or my not be my first date in all of my 19 years of existing. It's completely nerve wracking and terrifying, but exhilarating none the less.

[simpleasthisindigo]

So my mom just came into my room and asked me if I lost my virginity last night. Two things. One, a boy has to like you to actually want to have sex with you, so no. Two, why the hell would her first thought about why I’m in a bad mood have to do with losing my virginity.

I don’t know it just got me thinking about how even if I had its not like I would have told her. Which almost makes me sad. We used to be really close, me and my mom. She use to be my hero and I looked up to her so much. But one day things just changed and things weren’t the same. Now I hate telling her anything about my life because all she does is judge or make me feel uncomfortable about things, which isn’t good for anyone. She kind of just stopped caring and left me alone to figure out life as a woman all on my own. So I feel like I can’t ever come to her for anything because when you’ve gone so long with figuring things out alone, what else are you to do but grow up on your own.

[simpleasthisindigo]

I don’t care about what you and your stupid boyfriend do in bed. I’m sick of you constantly bringing up all the things you’ve done sexually. Quite frankly I think it’s annoying. That last thing I want to hear about is you blowing him or him jizzing all over your room. It’s not funny and it sure as hell isn’t amusing. Why do you feel the need to talk about it!? Obviously I’ve never done anything with someone, so I have nothing to say about it. I’m just sick of it. Shouldn’t that be something you keep between the two of you anyways.

[simpleasthisindigo]

I always like to refer to myself as an indigo kid. Indigo is an in between color, it's not purple and it's not quite blue. I've always felt the same way. I'm an in between kinda person. I'm never too much of one thing, more like a blend of the two. Every single thing about me is so many different things at once, which is one reason I've always had difficulty describing myself to people. I'm quite but I'm also loud. I'm not squared and I'm not a hippie. I'm nerdy and not nerdy at the same time. I'm weird and normal. The indigo-ness doesn't just stop there, it also explains my physical features. I'm not fat and I'm not skinny. My skins light but dark. My hair isn't straight and it isn't curly, it's wavy. Being an indigo kid also makes me very indecisive. I can never make up my opinion on things because even when I hate things, I will always find something I like about that particular thing. Except Grease (the movie) and Incubus (the band) because I absolutely loath both and both are terrible. Being an indigo kid bothers me sometimes, because it drives me nuts that I can't just be normal and not be split up about everything. But I've come to terms with the fact that it is who I am, and given the chance why would you ever want to be ordinary. 

[simpleasthisindigo]

This blog is going to be used as a diary of some sorts. I use the term 'diary' very loosely, due to the fact that it makes me feel like I'm a 12 year old girl writing away in her hello kitty diary about how cute Harry Styles is. I am literally cringing right now. No, this is something quite different. This is me venting to the world, all the things I have no one to talk about with or am just too afraid to say. I like that fact that I can just put this out there and get things off my chest, and it will just float around lost in every other text post on tumblr. I have no idea who I'm talking to or who'd even listen, and that's sort of the beauty of this. If your reading this hello even if you're not reading this hello.