I'll admit, some days are a lot harder than others. It does hit me harder when I hear his voice unexpectedly, but I would like to think I'm doing a little better than I was. I don't feel nearly as lost as I was when it first happened.
-Pausing for a moment she ran her fingertips along his chest-
It's been four months..I'm in a better place than I thought I would be..and that's thanks to you. I wouldn't be able to function like this if I didn't have you to lean on, and I love you so much because of that. Not only that, but I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. You saved me in ways I don't think you'll ever be able to understand. I'm okay today. I'm in a happy mood. So I want to do whatever you want to do.
I don't ever want to come off as I'm being insensitive or selfish or anything like that because I know that you can't control what happened, no one can and all you can do is really take it day by day and you were married to him so it's not like you're going to be better over night, and I'm not expecting you to be that's not at all what I'm saying, even though I feel this whole thing is coming off a lot more dickish than I want t to, but you were also married to me too before that and I just.. This is going to start a fight, I can feel it already. You moved on from me when we divorced so quickly, I was just some after thought, and before you say anything I'm aware that they are to very different ends of the spectrum, I'm aware that one is traumatic and the other was just cutting the lose string, I get that so please don't think that I'm grasping the seriousness of the situation because I do. But I also recall that you can't really stay happy for that long anymore, it all comes in waves and I will still selflessly be by your side and keep my mouth shut about it all, but I get affected by that too. When you get sad, I feel like I'm just not enough and maybe I never will be, maybe you had your soulmate, the person you were supposed to have forever, I've accepted that, but I don't like in a sense feeling like I'm always in some sort of competition, or that I have to tiptoe because I'm afraid that I'm going to do something that reminds you of him, or I'm going to say something and it's going to put you back to grieving and then I have to pull you out of it all over again. I know none of this makes sense, that's what happens when you let me ramble. But I realized that I spent so much time letting you get your feelings out and listening to you when you just needed to vent, and I never once spoke about how I felt when it came to all this. and yes, I do know that it's not my place to be telling you how this makes me feel, you're the one that lost him, not me. But yeah.. And I think that's why I've kinda just been going along with whatever you wanted us to go.