Sincerely Yours

The inner workings of my eccentric mind.

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

The perfect weekend (unfinished)

Smile so bright with the best grin I’ve ever seen

His brown eyes just perfect who knew they could be so cultivating

I can still feel his hands on my body

Which makes me cry for pleasure yet cry for sorrow

He is my pain and ecstasy

He has my heart my love my everything

As I fly from him

I can feel the distance

The distance from his laughter

The distance from his warm strong arms

The distance from his promises

I flew to him to build a life

I fly from him to mend a broken heart

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

As the dark surrounds me the voice inside says enough to cut slices into my skin my soul bleeds from my heartache of the pain I just inflicted.

My mind plays tricks that this one will be like before and like all the others.

The heart yearns for his touch to make everything better but ptsd grabs his good efforts and chokes it.

Now he turns away and I’m left wondering

Why me

Why can’t I just be

Why can’t I get what I deserve.

The voice starts in on the attacks again that draw even more blood but from heart.

Maybe I’m just just not worthy of his love and it’s my damage that I should just wrap myself up in.

For a moment I almost had the heavens and the stars but the dark is ready to consume me

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

Sitting here wondering what my future holds as I look out the plane’s window. So many stars that shine across the sky but which one has the fate of my heart? Where are you? Did you burn all your magic out that you forgot about little ol’ me? Wishing on a star feels like a childish fairytale yet I’ll still wish upon you until you hear my broken heart.

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

The situation

It would be so easy to just let him have his way

To open my legs and let him Insert himself.

To let him do what his greedy mind wants to do

But I have to live either way with myself

I would have to deal with the unclean emotions

Emotions I’ve known before but refuse this time .

How does a man of power and authority knows they can do this?

What do they see in me?

Why am I so wrong and broken that’s it’s a beacon to them screaming “come assault me I won’t tell”

Is it tattooed on my soul that I’m am damned forever more?

Am I that unclean from a previous life that I must be tortured in this one?

I’ve been through this before

I know this feeling and outcome

The crying of “I’m making too big a deal- no one wants to hear my complaints” so now I am experiencing the trauma of what just happen.

What do I do

What can I do

For the rumors are true in this corporate lifestyle when it comes to the misogyny and outcast of women

For my reputation will be gossip about

Like lashes from a whip forever marked on my back in this job

Six years down the drain

Six years of working so hard with no degree

The depths I had to overcome will make even hades blush

What do I do

I never thought this would ever happen again

But it’s repeated to me like a bad acid trip

I know the right thing but do I have the strength

Do I have the courage

A friend reminds me you may not be the only one

How that weighs on me

The burden is now on me

My soul and my core is to shield others

It’s what I raise my children to be

It’s how I portray myself

But if in the moment I become cowardice

To let another possible suffer

No I must go forward no matter how much I suffer for the other may not have anyone in their corner

For it’s all I’ve know

I thrived on my own

I thrived in the chaos

I don’t chose to be strong

It’s only a necessity but I will because I know I can’t put it on anyone else

I must remember I’ve stood up to Lt generals , decorate war heroes, people who should have protected others but chose to hurt the world because they could.

I must remember that’s me for God has already given me the strength.

I am no stranger to this. I am the lily in the valley for God grows beautiful things in dark places and I must remember that. For he sees all and he made me this way. He put me on this path for these reasons.

I am no stranger, so I need to be the lily in valley for all … my true calling

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

It’s just a shirt.

Who could it Harm.

It’s just a shirt.

It’s your favorite team.

Where you wanted your future career to be.

It’s just a shirt.

How is it I can still smell him on it?

Why does the cigar smoke of a cheap puff still linger?

Why does it make me feel ratty and dirty just at the sight of it.

Why can I still feel his hands pushing me down and his weight on top of me. But it’s just a shirt.

It’s just a shirt that haunted my closet on what I should have fought against and the hallucinations of what I could have done differently.

It’s just a shirt that causes panic and fear but at last there is a glimmer of hope.

For my offspring wears it… with pride..with confidence..reclaiming what her mother could not..showing more of what her mother raised her to be ..what she protects her from… she wears it as a badge of honor, her sigil of her mother’s strength and not her down fall….but its just a shirt.

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

The cold night air relieves the stinging of these lacerations. I breathe in the relief and exhale the pain. Icy tears roll down my cheek and the excruciation continues. I’ve never been enough and can never be. Desirable is out of reach. Perfection is the price to be paid to be the jewel in his eye. As I breathe in I can instantly feel every inch of my skin. Skin that no longer shines and as all things must dull with age. My flesh has grown and plumped over the years. To be seen as the trophy on his arm is just a dream. My imperfections shine like a lighthouse beacon for all to see. The constant reminder fills my head. I feel as if that voice is trying to drown me. Oh how the cool crisp night air feels as if she is the only friend I’ve got. She takes away the pain and memories if even only for a second. I breathe in the relief and exhale the pain.

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

The battles I will endure

The fights I will win

Burdens I will place upon my soul to keep you safe

For your eyes have seen too much

Your hands have been worn too much

Your heart has been torn too much

Your soul has been sutured too much

For it is my time to become your armor

My time to ease your fears

I am your loving light

Together we will find the way through this darkness

For my strength is our strength

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

Watch me as I step out into the light. I survived the dark veil of his ever torturous mind. Carved into my skin are the battles I have endured. Only the light can heal them. Just watch me step into this luminous glow that not even the pale horse rider could have stopped me. Just watch me

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

As he kisses me, it’s not to put his mark or claim his territory. He kisses me to let me know I have his support as I ride into war. He trusts in my decisions and values my opinion. For he knows the worlds I have conquered on my own and whereas his goal is to protect me but never dull my shine! I am his goddess,his absolute divine, his wife!

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

It’s 4 am and I’m howling at the moon.

Begging him to share what he knows.

Will anyone ever love me or am I destitute to beg.

So much for the phoenix when I’m acting more like a wounded hound.

As I cry,beg,scream and fall to my knees the moon and stars wink…what do they know of my fate?

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

When the world is broken you have nothing to fear.

For I am near.

Near to hold you.

Near to guide you.

Near to steer your heart safely in my arms.

For life may be grim and dark but I’ll keep you safe forever in my heart.

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

You are my hellfire song that is tattooed on my soul. To be engulfed in the flames of your love is a 7th layer of hell’s blessing. I quench and thirst for your kiss only to find its a shadowy dream.

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

AB (unfinished)

Like a Texan gust of wind

he blows right on in

Who saw this coming

2 decades apart but yet Heavenly father put him back in my heart

The first

Could you be the last?

The growth from our youth

The passion still there

I think Tay had it right

So high school all over again

bitter sweet 16 suddenly

How we just fall back into rhyme

Dear God will he be mine

The future laid out

Destiny’s path awaits

His enduring love has never failed

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

The Dance that Never Ends (unfinished)

Rolling around in my head

The levels of ecstasy reached while thinking of you

The memories we have that were

An euphoric dream

The feeling of your presence, touching my skin

feeling your breath on my neck

The closeness of our bodies entwined

Movement of a twin flames dance perfectly in sync

Looking into your soul with those piercing eyes that I can feel looking back into my mine

Heartbeats throbbing

The excitement

the thrill

the yearning

Feels so real

The burn for you desire

You steal and catch my breath as you walk to me

As my eyes make love to you while living a thousand life times with you in a blink of wishful memory

I can feel you say my name from across the world

In my moment of weakness, Is it you I miss or the way you treated me

I can feel memory of your voice flowing over me over my body it’s carved in to my skin it’s part of my dna

His lyrics are tattooed on my soul

His sound overflows my body

The sensual way it touches my body feels and makes love to me in our dance that never ends.

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

My first photo session of my sister for her 40th birthday!!!

[sincerelyyoursmsavalon]

Reality

I don’t google search for you anymore

I don’t desire your song sound no more

My wounds are finally cauterized

I no longer bleed from your sharp tongue and your demonic mind

Neither broken nor healed

Neither light nor darkness

For evermore in the twilight of your infatuation

Neither peace nor destruction

The should’ve could’ve would’ves is a temptress and draws me in to fiend like a heroin addict...Just a taste...Just a second to hear that hellfire voice

Neither broken nor healed

Neither light nor darkness

For evermore in the twilight of your infatuation

Neither peace nor destruction

This cold reality is punishment enough

The longing kills

The staying breaks

The in between is where we must reside

The perfect balance for the imperfection

Never together never apart

In suspense for all eternity

Where we will forever more be

Neither broken nor healed

Neither light nor darkness

For evermore in the twilight of your infatuation

Neither peace nor destruction