My daddy left me, saying that his current circumstances mean he isn't in the right headspace to be a good daddy and that he's not sure he wants a relationship at all right now. And I understand and respect that, because I know what's happening in his life to make him say that. Still, I am so lost and in a lot of pain, I feel like I'll never be happy or whole again.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I'm also sorry I've been too busy to get to this sooner. But I do have some things to share now that might help you.
This sentence channels exactly what I've experienced in the past few months:
I am so lost and in a lot of pain, I feel like I'll never be happy or whole again.
Thank you for voicing that, and know that I'm sending you so much love through the Tumblr airwaves. Also, you will be, I promise. ๐
When I first wrote about my breakup, a few people reached out to me to share their own stories of heartbreak. They talked about this kind of pain and shared that they were still in it, months later. I so wanted my experience to be different. I told myself I wasn't going to let this hurt me for long -- after 2 months or so, I'd move on.
I've lost lovers, been in a lot of pain, and then moved on within 2 months or less. So it's possible, and if it's meant to happen that way, it will. But for many reasons I don't need to get into here, this time has taken much longer and has hurt much more.
So give yourself grace. Don't try to rush the process of moving on. It will only make you frustrated when you find that all your efforts are not working. It's going to take the time it needs to take, and I think there are few things that you can do to change that trajectory.
That being said, I also know the feeling of being desperate for relief and desperate for answers. So I will give you a couple of tips based on what worked for me. I'm not totally and completely healed, but I am much, much farther along than I was before I did these things.
So, here's what I can offer you:
#1. Discover or remember who you are outside of your kink identity, and be that person for a while. The hardest part of getting out of a long-term, committed, 24/7 D/s & dd/lg relationship for me was the D/s & dd/lg part. Vanilla people can talk all day long about breakups, and I'm sure they're hard, it's not a heartbreak competition. But I do think your Dom leaving you is like having your heartbroken PLUS an extra layer of loss. As a sub & a little, you've become bound up in an identity that's really intertwined with someone else, you've given up some of your agency to them, and then you are left confused and alone without them, not knowing who you are or who will accept and own this part of you. And if you were really living it in a 24/7 kind of way, it feels like more than just a part of you.
My initial response to this experience of loss was to try to embrace and accept my kink identity fully and even seek validation from others about this identity now that I didn't have my ex's ownership. I found myself telling so many people in my life that I was into D/s and dd/lg, whereas before the breakup I never felt it necessary to share. And worse, I started to feel like I needed to find a new Dom, almost desperately.
But then I spent time away from that identity. Without going into details, I dove into a spiritual project and a side of myself that has nothing to do with kink. I remembered there are other parts to me. I made new connections with new friends, never even thinking to tell them I was a sub.
You are a full, rich, complex person, and you are more than a sub, you are more than the little girl inside you. Of course you should accept that part of yourself and never be ashamed of it. She is special. But to move on from a Dom, I think you need to spend some time remembering who else you are.
#2. Accept that you might never be "over" them. This sounds counterintuitive, but I honestly think it was a huge factor in me moving on. For a long time, I was obsessed with being able to say I had healed and moved on. Honestly, I even brainstormed Instagram posts I'd make when I was over it, showcasing how happy and healed I was.
So I was constantly checking in with myself, seeing if I was there yet. I wouldn't let myself be distracted and think about other things because I had to spend time thinking about him, if only to check to see if I still felt sad or felt like I wanted him back. Needless to say, this drove me crazy, and I ended up judging myself and criticizing myself for still being in love with him.
One day I finally acknowledged something: he left me. If I had it my way, we'd still be together, forever. I loved him and wanted to marry him. So it's not even logical for me to say I'll eventually be "over" him just because he ended the relationship.
So I finally accepted this: Maybe I'll always love him. And I'm not going to let that stop me from saying I've healed. I'm not going to let that stop me from living and loving and moving on with my life.
Maybe I won't always love him. But somehow, once I accepted that I will, I was able to let go.
#3. Let yourself experience unexpected romance when you find yourself ready -- not when you decide you're ready -- without forcing it. You can't plan this one. I spent weeks on dating apps, trying to convince myself I was ready, trying to force connections. Then I fell for someone totally unexpected (a woman). It's not a rebound, because I'm not latching on to her (I literally can't, we live in different countries) and I didn't do it to try to get over my ex. It arose organically, without force. I didn't even realize I had feelings for her at first.
And it helped. It showed me that I will be able to have feelings for other people, and that I don't need to have a relationship that's exactly like the one I've lost. (Of course now I'm looking for a woman who is exactly like her... but I don't advise you to do that, lol.)
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The process might be totally different for you. Personally, I received so much advice that I was unable or unwilling to take. I needed to learn everything on my own. And I'm so grateful for that, honestly, because I now know so much more about myself and life and love than I did before all this. And it feels really good to have that kind of wisdom from experience.
So, if you can, try to be grateful for your process and the gifts it will inevitably offer you, even if those gifts are months and months away.
If you take nothing else from this answer, take this: Even though it doesn't seem like it now, you will move on. It's impossible for you not to. I am living proof. ๐
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