hai :3 @singaika - Tumblr Blog

quarantine 2020

I’m 22 years old now. I don’t even want to begin looking at my old posts. How angsty and dramatic it was. Don’t get me wrong, she was a kid and she’s valid with the emotions she went through though. Life was a mess. It still is. Now that we’re in this really really weird world right now.. because of the side effects of Prozac my mind has started to look back, which I haven’t done in a very long time. I”ve kinda shut out my old life. Same girl, same shit problems, but I thought I stopped all that hurt me. It’s like I just put everything in a box in the back of my mind and kept going. Before the world turned upside down, my main worries was my childhood demons that i’ve recently been going back to therapy for. But with corona, I can’t even go see my therapist. It’s strange. From real fucked up childhood trauma, this I care about when we’re in lockdown. I just can’t wait to get off these meds. It’s got me messed up big time. I mean I know part of it is just me though that’s getting real bad again. If it wasn’t for my mind turning off in december, i feel like the antidepressant would’ve just worked. But now the medicine makes me numb and my mind just put the numbness from december on pause. I am just all numb now. Just walking aimlessly.

Im literally losing my fucking sanity and honestly I dont think anybody believes me. Ive been dealing with this shit my whole life. And ive been through hell and back bloody arms and a empty bottle of pills. But im not even depressed anymore Im fucking angry. I am so unbelieveably angry. Ive spent my whole life in this shithole of a home. With all this guilt and baggage and shit that no girl should deal with alone. Therapy wont ever help me with the things ive know or seen and all i can do is carry it with me. And on top of that Ive just spent it all outside looking in. Watching it all through facebook as I sat in my room all of my childhood. Its not fair. I have yet to step into my city more than a handful of times. I have yet to do all the fun stupid things a regular teenager should get to do. I only have a month till im wasting my life and money away on some major i dont even know if i want to do. Im so fucking tired of things not working out for me but what the fuck can i do?? I dont have the money or support to move out. No one considers me or believes me. No one respects me in this household im literally trapped in my own hell and im going to fucking lose it i kid you not and no one fucking believes me. I put my heart and soul into things and nothing is fucking coming back to me and nothing going on in my life is fair. Nothing is going the way that i thought it would be and im terrified cause its affecting my mental health and my relationship but i dont know what the fuck can i do. I need help. I cant do stay here and keep doing this. I really cant. Im begging for anybody to give me some real opportunity here other than just “sit down and talk with them” “or just keep waiting” you have no idea the life ive been in. If it really was that easy dont you think i wouldve done it by now? Just please fucking believe me when i say i know theres no possibility and that I will lose it if i spend another day living here. I just dont want this guilt of my familys past, the guilt of my wasted childhood, the guilt that im holding myself back but WHAT CAN I DO. PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT CAN I DO. I just want to be normal. I want to go out into the city with the windows down. I want to go see the sunset on the beach still a little hungover. I want to be able to look out and watch the stars. I know this sounds fucking corny but i just want to not have to work so hard for these moments. To not have to wait till i graduate to fucking enjoy life. To not always think about the bad things or what other people think. I want to not have to work so hard to feel like im part of something that im not an inconvenience. That im appreciated and people want me to be there. To feel considered with my thoughts and feelings. I want to feel whole in the present.. just included. Loved. I want the effort that im putting in getting by and into people, the world fucking back to me. Please im begging someone to please help me. Something. Believe me when i say i dont know the kinds of things id do to myself at this point im going to fucking lose it.