ābeauty and the beastā where beautyās dad comes home with the rose and is like oh shit oh shit this terrible monster says i have to come live with him forever because i picked his favorite flower and beauty just goes fuck thatĀ and puts on her pants and marches down to the beastās castle herself
and sheās expecting this horrifying dark fortress but itās actually sort of just a normal castle with big rose bushes and furniture thatās sometimes alive
and she thinks, i can work with this
and the beast comes out and heās likeĀ donāt look at me i am a hideous monsterĀ and beautyās like dude youāre like a talking tiger in a cape are you kidding youāre AWESOME can i pet you can i stroke your paws can you give me a ride
and heās like what and she goes around the castle like okay weāll put curtains here and expand the kitchen and this could be a really cute breakfast nook
and the beast is confused because isnāt she supposed to be terrified and hate him and he had all these intimidating speeches planned and heās like uh arenāt you going to try to run away
and beautyās all are you kidding this is aĀ magic castleĀ iām going toĀ live here forever
so they just sort of settle in together and one day beauty goes home for the weekend to visit her family and theyāre all amazed that sheās alive and her sisters go WHY DIDNāT THE HUGE MONSTER EAT YOU TO DEATH and sheās like nahhh heās basically just a big cat heās kind of cute actually sometimes he plays with yarn when he thinks iām not looking
and she explains howĀ itās really not that bad, all the dishes wash themselves and i get all these gorgeous dresses for free because the castle doesnāt know what else to do with them and yeah there are flowers everywhere but hey thatās his hobby yāknow iām not gonna discourage that man
and then one day while beautyās re-alphabetizing her magic library and trying to decide where to put that enchanted mirror the beast comes up and heās like hey so this is awkward but are you likeā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦..in love with meā¦ā¦?????????
and beautyās like oh uh wow haha um sorry no youāreā¦sort of a tiger
and the beast is likeĀ thank goodnessĀ because if you were iād have to turn back into a human and iāveĀ kind of gotten used toĀ being a big lion thing with horns and the ability to speak english for some reason likeĀ why would i want to go back to being a spindly little manĀ and then beauty laughs and sheās like okay well can you go catch us a wild boar for dinner, dear
and they end up getting married in the end just because itās easier to explain that way, you know, a single lady ~~living alone with a man~~ even if heās not actually a man, and thatās fine with them because beauty was never really into the whole boys and sex thing and the beast (whose name is jeff) is honestly more interested in his flowers
and whenever any of the other ladies in the village give her any shit beauty is just like, oh, you donāt like my crepes? well you know my husband, who isĀ literally a tiger,Ā loves themĀ and then everyone leaves her alone, which is really all she ever wanted
and she goes back to her magic castle and sits down with a book in front of the fire and rests her feet on her cat husband and nobody bothers her ever again