“That’s what’s so stupid about the whole magic thing, you know. You spend twenty years learning the spell that makes nude virgins appear in your bedroom, and then you’re so poisoned by quicksilver fumes and half-blind from reading old grimoires that you can’t remember what happens next.”
“The only reason for walking into the jaws of Death is so you can steal his gold teeth.”
“Don’t ask me how I knew—I suppose it was because it was just about the worst possible thing that was likely to happen.”
“Of course I’m sane, when trees start talking to me, I don’t talk back.”
“Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”
“Just erotic. Nothing kinky. It’s the difference between using a feather and using a chicken.”
“Today is a good day for someone else to die!”
“One of the advantages of horses that people sometimes point out, is that they very seldom explode. Almost never, in my experience, apart from that unfortunate occurrence in the hot summer a few years ago.”
“One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.”
“All bastards are bastards, but some bastards are /bastards/.”
“We might find out why mankind is here, although that is more complicated and begs the question "Where else should we be?”“
"Logic is a wonderful thing but doesn’t always beat actual thought.”
“Sometimes I really think people ought to have to pass a proper exam before they’re allowed to be parents. Not just the practical, I mean.”
“Questions don’t have to make sense. But answers do.”
“I have no use for people who have learned the limits of the possible.”
“Listen, trickery is what humans are all about, They’re so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.”
“Don’t put your trust in revolutions. They always come around again. That’s why they’re called revolutions. People die, and nothing changes.”
“Yes, but my father said that free advice often turns out to be expensive.”
“He’s dead. However, credit where it’s due, he hasn’t let that stop him.”
“I want to eat chocolates in a great big room where the world is a different place.”
“I commend my soul to any god that can find it.”
“Students, eh? Love ‘em or hate ‘em, you’re not allowed to hit ‘em with a shovel.”
“Contrary to popular belief and hope, people don’t usually come running when they hear a scream. That’s not how humans work. Humans look at other humans and say, ‘Did you hear a scream?’ because the first scream might have been you screaming inside your head, or a horse backfiring.”
“Peace?…. Ah, yes, defined as a period of time to allow for preparation for the next war.”
“I am very attached to my fingers and I like to think of them as attached to me.”
“Always remember that the crowd that applauds your coronation is the same crowd that will applaud your beheading. People like a show.”
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.”
“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.”
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”
“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.”
“It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.”
“Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.”
“Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”
“If you trust in yourself... and believe in your dreams.... and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”
“Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
"If you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.”
“It's still magic even if you know how it's done.”
“The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.”
“There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.”
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