Constellations In Your Eyes

“Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.” Sirius Black - 18 - Gryffindor

[siriusblackstar-blog]

Something to Live For || Sirius & James

[jamesxpctter]

It was like the last couple of days didn’t even seem real.  Lily Evans, arguably the most amazing person he’d ever met, had agreed to marry him.  And, even better, he hadn’t even had to beg or get really persistent about it.  He had tried to remember the last time he had been this happy, but nothing else seemed to compare.

At the time, it had been a joke when James had promised to buy Sirius a ring.  But, somehow, it seemed the right way to break the news.  Besides, it was the cleverest way he could think of to get Sirius to be his best man.

His best man.  At his wedding.  Merlin, everything seemed to be happening so fast.  Just a few weeks ago, he was basically pouting over the fact that his best friend was moving out.  Now, he was looking at moving in with his fiance, asking his best friend to stand beside him on his wedding day and he couldn’t be more excited.

Knocking on the door, James was a little shocked to hear Sirius telling him to come in.  Even he had taken Moody and Dumbledore’s advice to ask ridiculously personal questions to ensure identities.

“Oi, Sirius,” he called as he opened the door.  A flick of his wand and the cabin lit up.  “Bloody hell, do you like it this dark?”  Moving to where Sirius sat, James sat down in a chair nearby, the grin on his face falling when he saw how his friend looked.

His tone wasn’t quite as light as he spoke again, leaning forward in his seat as he stared at Sirius.  “Mate, you alright?”

[siriusblackstar-blog]

James’s voice floated in with the breeze from the open door, a shiver working it’s way down his spine. His best mate was there with him and part of him wanted to run while the other half wanted to go to him and hold him indefinitely. He was the one person he had to anchor himself, the one person he knew he could count on to be there no matter what. Now James was his world, the weight of that sitting low in the pit of his stomach.

He winced as light flooded the room, blinding him until his eyes adjusted, having been sitting in the darkness for far too long. He licked his lips to wet them, closing his eyes, trying to prepare his voice for speaking again, it having been days since he bothered to use it.

His gaze settled on James as he sat across from him, his words pressing in around him. He didn’t know what to say in reply.

Remus was gone and he might never come back. It wasn’t something a person just blurted out. Especially not when he’d ripped his heart from his chest and taken it with him. He’d finally thought he’d found someone, like James had Lily, but he imagined he should have expected better. Blacks didn’t find happiness. It was their family’s curse.

With a discreet nod of his head, he flicked his hair out of his eyes, meeting James’s gaze.

“Of course I am, mate. You’re here,” he said carefully, leaning forward, hand patting his knee. “Things have just been...different lately.” His teeth dug into his lip, head cocking to the side. “Remus called his mother and went off somewhere. Think he needed a vacation or something. I don’t know.”

He took in a breath, watching James intently. “That’s besides the point. What are you doing here? Something happen?”

[bloodmoon-rising]

remus & sirius ✯ goodbye.

[bloodmoon-rising]

      ✯ He purposely evaded the entire ordeal.

        It was with a mixture of anger and agony that Remus’s honey-flecked, green-eyes, barely visible in the light of a sinking moon that he gazed upon his violent lover. Lips sneered and he nearly scowled as acrimony trembled through brittle bones.

       “You don’t know where I’m getting that from?” Remus repeated, voice hollow and monotone. Eerie hands clasped his own kneecaps and Remus shook his head in utter disbelief. Why he was surprised existed beyond his comprehension. “Lie with me or to me, Sirius?”

        It was exacerbating how ridiculous Sirius Black was; but it should be no surprise. He had always been this way. Always been foolish, self-centered, egotistical. He had always been vicious, heartless, cruel. Remus realized he couldn’t even be mad at him. It was himself he was mad with.

        “You need help.”

         His tone was distant and bitter with the hint of a plea.

         Sirius, get some fucking help before you do this again. To someone else.

         Remus’s forehead fell to the hands resting on his knees and he closed his eyes.

         The fight within was gone.

[siriusblackstar-blog]

Sirius felt his breath hitch in his chest as Remus spoke, his words slashing him like a knife across the chest. He knew he hadn’t told him the truth, hadn’t told him what he was up to with Lily, but he hadn’t wanted him to worry. It was supposed to be fast, a quick meeting where he met their source, got information, and got out...but he’d failed. Fucked up in more ways than one. Apparently, Remus hadn’t appreciated not being included.

Didn’t he understand? He couldn’t have taken him. He couldn’t have put him at risk.

“I --- ” His voice cracked, words unfounded, stuck in the back of his throat like honey that had crystallized and refused to budge. He couldn’t figure out what to say. What would even change his mind? Remus clearly had already determined what was important to him, that what Sirius had done was the last straw.

He could see it in his face, in his tense movements. He was supposed to have been honest with him since that night when he’d been drunk and brought home some girl. He was supposed to expound his heart and mind, share it and divulge his deepest secrets, but that wasn’t him. Letting people in that deeply scared him, especially in this time of war when Remus could have volunteered to go with them and ended up hurt, or worse --- dead.

As though Remus understood all this, but rejected it, bitter words hit his heart, causing his throat to contract further. Air felt as though it couldn't even wheeze out his lungs, his heart heavy in his chest, eyes stinging with anger and hurt.

“How can you say that to me?” He whispered, his voice ragged with emotion.

Instinct kicked in, his heart pounding in his ears, anger filling him to try and wash out the pain.

“Fuck you.”

He whipped around, walking out the door, slamming it sharply behind him as he tried to ignore the tears that stained his face and the way his hands trembled.

[siriusblackstar-blog]

Something to Live For || Sirius & James

It was dark and silent in the cabin, each movement seeming to echo in the empty spaces of the building that had once felt like home. 

How everything had fallen apart, he had no idea, but it left him feeling hollow and lonely.

Remus had left, his room vacated, the refrigerator empty --- he never had learned how to cook, what was the point? He hadn’t had the heart to message his friends yet, to let them know that their mate had run off to Merlin only knows where. That was, unless he went to be with them, and he had no clue.

He didn’t understand what had gone wrong, why he hadn’t even said goodbye, if he’d ever return. He felt like he couldn’t speak about it, unsure if revealing their relationship to those they cared about was even wise, if when he did come back, he would resent him for it.

He sat mindlessly in his favorite chair, smoking a cigarette, trying to figure out where he went from here. The one person he had revealed his heart to had rejected him. How could he cope with that?

A knock at the door had him sitting up, a wave of his wand opening the door as he tried to straighten his clothes to look more presentable. There was no need to cause anyone he cared for worry.

“Come in,” he called out, not concerned that it might be someone from the other side sent to assault him.

@jamesxpctter

[bloodmoon-rising]

remus & sirius ✯ goodbye.

[bloodmoon-rising]

    ✯ Filthy, vein-lined, bony feet the color of a florescent moon because the moon was a part of him now lifted slowly from a dusty wooden floor and pressed into his springy mattress. His back tipped against the wall, bottom rolling at an angle to alleviate pain. He inhaled a long breath and flinched, his head thumping against solid plaster as green eyes squeezed shut.

       An irritated scoff scratched his throat and his nose scrunched up, but he remained silent. Wicked ideas undoubtedly swirled through Sirius’s perverted mind and Remus was too weak to put up a fight. Anticipation, however, slowly dripped her anxiety-provoking poison through constricted veins and Remus just wanted to get it over with. A thundering heartbeat exploded in his chest cavity and it was more than a little difficult to breathe.

       I’ll go.

       A sliver of green peered beyond thick lashes and Remus gazed skeptically towards his violent lover. Did he speak truths? Did he merely present himself to torment Remus? To make him believe it was coming only to walk away last minute? Was he trying to invoke fear in the lycanthrope, to make him believe that it could happen at any time and he should never, ever relax?

      “Don’t toy with me.” This time Remus’s tone was low and scratchy, weak and pleading. He could deal with a second round of brutality, but the anticipation would be the death of him.

[siriusblackstar-blog]

Muscles tight like wound springs caused him to pull his hunched shoulders back, the doorknob hard and cold beneath his aching fingers. He felt as though his body needed support, his mind swirling and overwhelmed. His teeth felt as though they were creating sawdust, grinding slowly back and forth in the confines of his mouth.

He couldn’t handle this moment, he couldn’t handle this feeling of rejection.

Not after the night he’d had, not after watching death knock on his door and slowly decide to drift by, leaving wisps of what could have been to curl around his throat and choke him.

He didn’t understand why Remus was being so harsh, the cover of the night making it hard to see his features, to read his expression. The energy that cascaded off of him in waves was clear though.

GO AWAY.

He needed nothing more than that to make his choice and he would have done so silently if not for Remus’s strange plead that grated him the wrong way.

“I’m not toying with you, I don’t know where you’re getting that from. I just wanted to lie with you because I could really use it right about now. To be able to curl up with you and fall asleep. You clearly don’t want that, so I’m going,” Sirius muttered in annoyance, upset creeping into his voice despite himself. “I don’t need this right now.”

[bloodmoon-rising]

remus & sirius ✯ goodbye.

[bloodmoon-rising]

     ✯ Remus.

       A longing croak; a voice that once turned him on now left him with unpleasant goosebumps and chills jumping up and down his spine, a churning unsettling his stomach. An involuntary flinch distorted his scarred face. A wrinkled nose, lips pursed, eyes twitching and his gaze captured his feet with a sickness landing in his gut like lead.

       This was wrong!

       Sirius, standing in his company as though nothing vulgar transpired but moments prior.

      “You didn’t even try.”

      Automatic, like a 22 caliber, and vicious as hell, he could not stop himself from responding quickly, lips curling into an agitated sneer. Was Remus supposed to pity him?

       “I’d imagine it’d be easy for you to sleep tonight.” You had quite a workout, didn’t you?

      Remus tried to swallow but couldn’t. His throat, too constricted from screaming, from a swell of emotions, would not open enough to allow saliva to slip through his tight esophagus. The sensation caused a panic to erupt and his breathing suffered. Already weak and agonized, his body lowered to his bed, careful and agitated as he held in a gruesome yelp from the contact against torn-up flesh.

      He didn’t fucking care anymore. Sirius could do as he pleased with him. It wasn’t like he could hurt him anymore than he already had.

[siriusblackstar-blog]

Words attacked him like knives and he didn’t understand the pure venom that dripped off each syllable, sinking into his flesh, causing a cold curl inside of his gut. Death was imminent, his heart like stone as it sank to the bottom of his stomach, making him want to be ill.

“I didn’t try because I already know I can’t,” Sirius responded, words quick and jumbled as they raced past his lips, trying to explain, trying to reach out to Remus without moving. His feet were glued, body tense, feeling unwelcome and alone. He didn’t understand. What did Remus know that upset him so?

There were so many things he’d done wrong. So many things his mind screamed out in possibility, his knuckles aching as he clenched his fists by his side to ground himself.

His body felt aflame with emotions, crawling through his nerves like ants racing towards their next treat, devouring him, consuming his strength of will. He felt sore and mentally unstable, the teetering dichotomy making him want to snap, to shout, scream, beg for any kind of comfort that Remus could supply.

He couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t.

He wouldn’t drag this out, wouldn’t force Remus into giving him what he needed when it was clear he couldn’t be bothered with him.

Maybe he was tired.

His mind supplied excuses, reasoning for his boyfriend’s cold tone, but he couldn’t shake the feeling he had done something wrong.

Remus had a point, he’d been through the wringer, he should be able to sleep, but he wanted to sleep next to the man he loved.

Stepping backwards, a breath expelled from his lungs, his hand sliding to the door to steady himself.

“I’ll go.”

[bloodmoon-rising]

remus & sirius ✯ goodbye.

[bloodmoon-rising]

     ✯ “Of course I’m up.” Frost formed on the tip of his tongue around the hard, exaggerated p; his tone so cold ice crystals clung to each, bitter word. The patient, forgiving werewolf turned to blackened smoke, pummeling towards a dawn-light sky.

       He was no more. 

      I don’t know what you expected.

     Sirius deserved no additional reply, an explanation of the pain plaguing him delivered at the hands of his fucking grace standing before him. How, how, how could he be expected to slumber after the night he’d endured? Was Sirius so deluded in his self-obsessed world that he believed Remus was that forgiving? That he might forget in just a few hours time? 

      Just fucking do it.

      He should have left when he’d had the chance, but wobbly knees prohibited movement. Blood-soaked sheets carefully discarded proved disapparation would be fatal should he attempt. But maybe that was a better alternative to this; standing here, with him, body hunched and breathing strangled like an abused puppy shivering in the cold, waiting for his terrible owner to return the beatings.

      No. Remus would not succumb to that life.

      But it would be so easy…

      NO!

      Vertigo-tainted vision and trembling legs betrayed his fear and Remus took a fearful step back. He couldn’t do this again. He’d die; possibly literally but certainly figuratively. He could not.

      He would not.

[siriusblackstar-blog]

Harsh sounding words snapped in the space between, cracking off walls, ricocheting into the darkness.

Did he know? Had he heard? Or did he merely realized he lied to him to go complete a mission that wound up in utter desolation?

He didn’t know, didn’t want to ask, didn’t want to see the anger in Remus’s eyes as he realized that it was his fault they had gone in unprepared. How many times could he ask forgiveness for his actions? How many times could he race in head first without thinking? It was amazing, really, how not even being aware of his fatal flaw hadn’t managed to convince him to change.

It was a part of him, deep down, in the very fiber of his bones.

He would never learn.

Their two bodies stood parallel, unyielding and unforgiving, before Remus tipped back, the tap of his step signifying space.

He wanted space.

His own feet refused to move, refused to relent, to flee as his mind and heart begged them to. There would be no solace here, no calm voice urging him that what happened wasn’t his doing, that he’d tried his best.

Because he hadn’t, had he?

He had gotten them kidnapped; Lily and him should both be dead. They should have been the ones with their eyes staring up to the heavens, the ones to feel their bones crack and their life leave them. Why they were left to live, he wasn’t sure, but his instinct and lessons growing up had taught him one thing: living with pain was more torturous and damaging than being given relief.

“Remus,” Sirius croaked out, his throat on fire, his heartbeat pressing fast against his own fingertips. Thoughts lay crowded in his mind, tied in knots, making it impossible to express what he truly needed. “I can’t sleep.”

[bloodmoon-rising]

remus & sirius ✯ goodbye.

[bloodmoon-rising]

      ✯ They say love skews colors. Makes them brighter. Palpable to the touch. Soft hues like silken cushions and warms like a hand bursting through a ribcage to squeeze a damaged heart.

        In this moment, with fear and rage crawling along goose pimpled flesh, Remus felt colors like never before. Neon oranges skirted across the insides of his eyelids as though he peered at the sun with eyes shut beneath chlorinated water. Blazing tangerine clashed with salmon clashed with vermillion and all at once turned to snow. Clenched fingers dug crescent moons into a fleshy palm and Remus Lupin breathed again; slow and tangible, he exhaled a shaky sigh that lit up the night.

       A slow shuffling verbalized by flesh rising, a doorknob twisting, and Remus’s back involuntarily curled into a protective stance. Green, honey-flecked eyes darted daringly to the lock button, which he’d forgotten to press. STUPID! SO STUPID! Not that a measly lock could stop the unwanted intruder when magic existed; but it would show Sirius that he wanted no part of whatever he was returning to his side for.

       It was over.

      A sliver of outside light slowly spread across his midnight-blue bedroom and Remus cringed as Sirius’s now unfamiliar gaze met his own.

      It was belatedly that Remus recognized what he must look like to the other; a silhouette against the backdrop of a waning moon peering through thin, white curtains hand-picked by Hope Lupin just months before. He was standing, like the prisoner he was, trapped by four walls and the violent hand of a lover.

      He could not appear more vulnerable if he tried.

[siriusblackstar-blog]

The doorknob twisted beneath his hand, grating into sensitive flesh, the rope burn still aching despite the meager healing charms Lily and him had cast upon one another. His heart ached in his throat as the door creaked open, each thump echoing inside the cluttered walls of his brain, rattling around stacked thoughts, causing them to jam and jar. 

Darkness greeted him, a sliver of hazy moonlight bringing the silhouette of Remus’s body into focus.

The muscles in his throat contracted unexpectedly, a squeak of air escaping it’s trapped fate. Words lingered on his tongue, plump and round, ready for the picking, their juices exploding in the confines of his mouth, sour and overwhelming, choking him with the weight each one carried. Anything he could say would break the moment, anything he could manage to croak out would bring devastation and unrest. It felt like a losing battle. How could they believe they could save anyone, when they couldn’t even help themselves?

He adjusted his weight, the floorboards creaking eerily in the silence, his body urging him forward towards a secure embrace.

But he stayed stock still in the doorway.

Comfort felt wrong in that moment, for he was not the one who had lost the living. He had been the one who had failed to protect; he had no right to mourn when the dead family left behind was loss due to his own foolishness. If he had been smarter, wiser  --- stronger, this would not have happened. He would not see shadows when he looked into the face of Lily, would not hear the still silence that encapsulated them and highlighted their inadequacy.

He’d stupidly thought they had been prepared.

He knew now just how wrong he was.

His gaze swung along the outline of Remus’s body, unable to see detail other than his eyes, which had caught flecks of moonlight.

“You’re up,” Sirius spoke hollowly, his words as loud as thunder in the empty, quiet space. “I thought you’d be asleep.”

[marauders4evr]

Do you know what pains me?

Sirius didn’t know that the Dursleys were abusive.

At the end of Prisoner of Azkaban, he automatically assumes that Harry would rather live with them than with him. In the Goblet of Fire, Harry writes to him about Dudley’s video games and diet habits but never explicitly mentions anything about being abused. Even when he gets to Grimmauld Place in the Order of the Phoenix, he expresses his anger at not receiving information and though we know that he was also emotionally exhausted from spending another summer at an abusive household, he never discloses it. In fact, seeing as how he protected Dudley, Sirius could just as well be under the impression that the two were very close.

And I hate this so much because Sirius Orion Black grew up in an abusive household and if he had known for a single second that his godson was facing the same thing that he had faced, he would have really blown up a street in an attempt to get to Privet Drive and rescue Harry.

And it also breaks my heart because you know that Harry knew this which meant that he was more worried about his godfather’s safety and freedom than he was his own health.

[sirxusblack]

Happy Birthday, Sirius Orion Black! [November 3, 1959]

[excepttheeyes]

“I ran away when I was about sixteen. I’d had enough…I hated the lot of them: my parents with their pure-blood mania, convinced that to be a Black made you practically royal…my idiot brother, soft enough to believe them…They thought Voldemort had the right idea, they were all for the purification of the wizarding race, getting rid of Muggle-borns and having pure-bloods in charge.”

[siriusorion]

‘Do you remember who his best friend was?’ ’Naturally,’ said Madam Rosmerta, with a small laugh, “Never saw one without the other, did you? The number of times I had them in here - ooh, they used to make me laugh. Quite the double act, Sirius Black and James Potter!”

[zodiastro]

Zodiac Signs: I’m Scared \ So I

Aries: I’m scared they won’t hear me \ So I scream louder

Taurus: I’m scared they need more \ So I’m giving my all

Gemini: I’m scared they won’t like me \ So I become another

Cancer: I’m scared they will leave me \ So I don’t let them in

Leo: I’m scared they’ll forget me \ So I keep reminding them I’m here

Virgo: I’m scared they‘ll find better \ So I keep being the best

Libra: I’m scared of their opinions \ So I silenced mine

Scorpio: I’m scared they will hurt me \ So I won’t let them know me

Sagittarius: I’m scared they will lock me \ So I keep running away

Capricorn: I’m scared they won’t be satisfied \ So I never rest

Aquarius: I’m scared they’ll make me one of them \ So I’m staying outside

Pisces: I’m scared they’ll devour me \ So I devour myself

[starwarsgraphictee]

Wow this shot me in the fucking heart

[wnq-writers]

He noticed how she always smiled when she cried, and how she kept striving even when she seemed so depressed. When he asked her about it, she told him that being planted in dark rooms had taught her how to bloom even in the absence of light.

Myss Bradley, Etiolation (via wordsnquotes)

[the-artsy-princess]

BOLD what applies to your muse.

PLACE IN SOCIETY

financial: wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty.

medical: fit / moderate / sickly / disabled / disadvantaged.

class or caste: upper / middle / working / slave / unsure.

education: qualified / unqualified / studying.

criminal record: yes, for major crimes / yes, for minor crimes  / no.

FAMILY

married - happily / married - unhappily / engaged or betrothed / partnered / single / divorced / separated.

has a child or children  / has no children / wants children.  

close with sibling(s) / not close with sibling(s) / has no siblings / sibling(s) is deceased.

orphaned / adopted / disowned / raised by birth parent(s).

TRAITS + TENDENCIES

extroverted / introverted / in between.

disorganized / organized / in between.

close minded / open-minded  / in between.

calm / anxious / in between.

disagreeable / agreeable / in between.

cautious / reckless / in between

patient / impatient / in between.

outspoken / reserved / in between.

leader / follower / in between.

empathetic / unemphatic / in between.

optimistic / pessimistic / in between.

traditional / modern / in between.

hard-working / lazy / in between.

cultured / un-cultured / in between / unknown.

loyal / disloyal / unknown.

faithful / unfaithful / unknown.

BELIEFS:

monotheist / polytheist / atheist / agnostic

belief in ghosts or spirits: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care.

belief in an afterlife: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care.

belief in reincarnation: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care.

belief in aliens: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care.

religious: orthodox / liberal / in between / not religious.

philosophical: yes / no.

OPINIONS

pro-suicide / anti-suicide / doesn’t know or on the fence.

pro-euthanasia / anti-euthanasia / doesn’t know or on the fence.

pro-choice / anti-abortion / doesn’t know or on the fence.

pro-marriage / anti-marriage / doesn’t know or on the fence.

pro-death penalty / anti-death penalty / doesn’t know or on the fence.

pro-drug legislation / anti-drug legislation / doesn’t know or on the fence.

pro-murder / anti-murder / doesn’t know or on the fence.

pro-cannibalism / anti-cannibalism / doesn’t know or on the fence.

left wing / right wing / middle / doesn’t know or on the fence.

SEXUALITY + ROMANTIC INCLINATION

heterosexual / homosexual / bisexual / asexual / pansexual / questioning.

sex repulsed / sex neutral / sex favourable.

romance repulsed / romance neutral / romance favourable.

sexually: adventurous / experienced / naive / inexperienced / curious.

potential sexual partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all.

potential romantic partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all.

ABILITIES

combat skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none.

literacy skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

artistic skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

technical skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none.

HABITS

drinking alcohol: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

smoking: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

other narcotics: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

medicinal drugs: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

indulgent food: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

splurge spending: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

gambling: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

[bloodmoon-rising]

remus & sirius ✯ goodbye.

[bloodmoon-rising]

        ✯ Careful heel-toe-heel-toe steps creaking against an old floorboard felt strangely unfamiliar for a man he’d known most of his life. There was once a time when one of his mates would enter in dead silence and Remus would simply know who it was without looking. He knew it was Sirius, but he no longer knew Sirius. The more he thought about it, the more he realized he never had.

          Sirius’s undeniable presence chilled his spine; a measly wooden door that couldn’t even keep heat trapped inside his only protection. Each ventricle of his heart went into overdrive, pumping five liters of blood through tight veins circling his appendages, his throat, the wrinkles in his brain.

         Jitters shivered through his entity, visibly causing a tremble through lanky arms, his tight muscles appearing undernourished after the beating he endured. The thud was a clap of thunder in the eerie silence and it aroused his senses from the tips of his fingers to the curling in his toes. 

       “Just do it, then,” Remus choked, voice strangled and muffled. He doubted Sirius would hear him, understand him, but he could no longer stand the anticipation.

This time he wouldn’t fight back.

[siriusblackstar-blog]

Silence stretched out before him, his breath ghosting against the wood of the door, a desperation to claw through the barrier sweeping his entire being. There was a yearning that filled him, yet he felt restless and unsettled; a sensation that felt as though it was vibrating down to his very core, to each fragile bone that held him together ---

                                                               --- SNAP.

How simple that infrastructure was to destroy. How easy it was to crush and twist in unnatural ways.

He could see it in his mind, his lungs squeezing as though clamped, each sharp breath more ragged than the last.

He couldn’t see Remus like this. He couldn’t worry him, couldn’t upset him. His heart felt like lead in his chest and he slid down to the ground, trying to capture the air which now seemed to evade him in his lungs.

There was nothing to steady him, nothing that he could hold on to as his eyes burned and his mind reeled.

He needed to be strong.

With a push, he lifted himself off the ground, using the doorknob as leverage, twisting it slowly to peer inside. One look at the man he loved, and he could sleep, knowing the world would right itself come morning.

One look.

One reminder that it was all worth it.

One moment to remember what they fought for.

That life would go on.

[bloodmoon-rising]

remus & sirius ✯ goodbye.

August 16, 1978

It was quiet.

            ✯ There was a spasm in his body as sudden and swift as a cold winter’s wind.

              Milky, imperfect skin stretched over a bare, concave chest, stomach sucked so far in his ribcage could be played with colorful mallets. Remus sat bolt upright with an icy gasp. He heaved, folding forward, two hands clasping the edge of the bed to keep from face planting against the chilled floor. Putrid vomit the color of eggnog splashed over uneven wood and soaked a pair of nearby briefs.

              For a late-summer’s night, Remus Lupin was chilled to the bone. He sat up straight and wiped his lips with the back of a bumpy, scar-ruined hand.

He would never be the same.

             Sometime between sunset and dawn the bleeding subsided enough that he managed to dress himself. Remus Lupin was no pussy; he knew pain. Walked with her a thousand times. Knew her unrelenting caress like a memorized song. But whatever this was– it wasn’t pain. It was incomparable. Pain, so insurmountable to whatever this was. He would welcome pain now. Embrace her strangling grasp if it meant he could feel human again.

            It was when he siphoned the blood-soaked-mattress clean, erasing evidence of the crime, that Remus stood ruler-straight, back arching, shoulder blades protruding beneath a flannel shirt. A creak moaned in betrayal beneath a soft foot. Someone was sneaking in, attempting to be stealthy. 

            He hadn’t anticipated Sirius’s return. Was he coming for round two? 

Remus wouldn’t survive much longer.

[siriusblackstar-blog]

The world was painted black, blue, and red.

The image of hallowed and empty eyes staring --- limp and torn limbs --- burned against the backs of closed eyelids.

There was no escape, no rest.

There was no running or hiding.

No peace.

Screams echoed inside the cavern of his skull, taunting reminders of helpless failure.

There was no going back, no bringing back the dead who would forever pay for Lily and his missteps.

The weight that pressed heavy against his shoulders, collapsing his lungs, making each breath a rasping torture, sank like an anchor into his gut, causing it to spasm. Knees struck the dirt, cuffs rubbing against the raw skin of his wrists, palms scraping against the ground, the grass, as he got his bearings post apparition. His stomach lurched, acid burning the back of his throat, sheer determination tamping down on the desire to vomit.

Visions of ivory skin and a comforting embrace found Sirius rising to his feet, a need so visceral it was nearly tangible.

Busted knuckles ripped at the locks and tore their way past metal and wood to safety ---

--- to home.

The silence that greeted him felt unnatural, but the desire to be considerate pulsed through every vein, each beat of his heart reminding him that his internal ravaging was secondary to Remus’s comfort.

He felt lost, unable to process what steps to take next, the hour insisting he be asleep, his heart insisting he seek solace where he could still find it.

Feet carried him instinctively, a pause outside of Remus’s bedroom door, his fingers curled against the wood as the heel of his palm rested firm against the frame. A soft thump brought his forehead down as he struggled to to keep the tight feeling in his throat at bay.

There would be no words.

He couldn’t take his tranquility away.

[siriusblackstar-blog]

James and Sirius are having an affair.