i've never been satisfied

SIRIUS BLACK | REBEL | GODFATHER I raise my flags, don my clothes It's a revolution I suppose We'll paint it red to fit right in.

[kitsn0w]

(◔ ◡ ◔)

[siriusrunning]

* .  ∙ •✧ * GWENOG JONES —

— “ okay, who else do i need to know about, oh wise one, ” gwen asked, beginning to bow but bursting into a fit of giggles instead. “ i still haven’t seen it. we have to get the moving muggle box first. i- okay, enormous bagels on the side of her head. that… sounds really strange looking. ”

▵ — “ They’re not actual bagels they just look like bagels, but they’re buns. I would give you an example but no one here has hair that’s long enough. Just know that they look lovely on her. Anyway, the other most important people in the world would be Mr. Harrison Ford and Mr. Mark Hamill. Especially Harrison. ”

[siriusrunning]

* .  ∙ •✧ * NARCISSA MALFOY —

—  narcissa felt herself beginning to tremble, fingers clenching tighter around her cloak. she’d spent so long trying to bury her emotions, to keep everyone out, and she could imagine the scowl on her mother’s face if she could see how clearly narcissa’s small frame shook. no, narcissa shook her head. she had to stop doing that, stop imagining druella’s reaction to everything she did. the only way she could imagine druella was as the bigot that she was. she couldn’t imagine the black family as anything but what it was. she wanted her family with lucius and draco to be different, but she had nothing to model it after, and it wasn’t like she could make lucius change his mind about agreeing with their parents.

she had never blamed sirius for having rebelled, for having left. she wondered what their lives would have been like if druella and walburga had pushed less for their pureblood ideals, but she assumed that had their wives not pushed the ideals, orion and cygnus would have been more outspoken to their children. she couldn’t imagine what would have happened had she been the different one. what would’ve happened if she’d been sorted differently ? she could imagine druella disowning her there and then, at eleven years old.

what a spectacle that would have been. what a spectacle it would be now if she switched sides, if it was made public.

narcissa had to admit she was surprised that she wasn’t interrupted. when she finished, wide blue eyes watched as sirius’ hands shook, and her fingers clutched her cloak tighter. she could imagine draco comparing her to tippy, and it almost made her smile. but although her lip twitched, she didn’t let the smile actually appear. it wasn’t exactly an appropriate time.

narcissa shook her head. no, she didn’t think that he would turn his back because he was secure. she had assumed that no one would have believed that narcissa black had wanted to switch sides after having spent her entire life trying so hard to be perfect in her parents’ eyes. “ i didn’t exactly think of myself as trustworthy. there would have been plenty of reason to assume that i had been sent to pretend i was tired of the pressures being put on me by my mother just so they could get to you. ” she spent too much time thinking about every worst outcome possible. “ slytherin self-preservation, ” she added, as if that explained anything. 

“ you’re not stupid, ” she cut in immediately. she didn’t see protecting his friends and wanting out from the black family as being stupid. “ you’re brave, much braver than i’ve ever been, or ever will be, probably. probably why you weren’t sorted into slytherin, ” she spoke softly. listening to his words, she shook her head, taking a step forward when she heard sirius’ voice break as he asked if she believed that, almost reaching for him, but stopping herself. “ i- you-know-who is wrong, and the war is stupid and the death eaters shouldn’t be killing anyone, but- i don’t know- ” but what would happen to draco if she defected ? her self-preservation had long since been overtaken by her worry for her son.

▵ — Sirius, not for the first time in his life, wished he could skip to the end of all of this. He wished he could skip through the trying to understand, the feeling of being held underwater simply because of all the things he’d done and said and felt up until this point. Narcissa’s striving to be perfect in her parents’ eyes was one of the things he’d used to kindle his hatred - hatred? - of her. Had his brother not done the same thing? And could Sirius blame him? Their families were toxic, breathing poison into them from the moment they were born and breeding hatred and the desire to please before they even knew their names.

     He tried to pretend he was different, but the longer he looked at Narcissa, the more he realized he wasn’t.

      How many times had he himself imagined his own mother’s reaction upon hearing he was sorted into Gryffindor? How many times had he imagined the things she would say when he left? Sirius saw his first muggle movie because he knew it would make Walburga angry. Maybe it had been different - he looked forward to becoming the colossal disappointment he ended up becoming - but in the end, their whole family, every single Black, was only ever thinking about them. What they would think. What they would say. Self-image had never been about the self.

      And worst of all, Sirius hated the fact that he didn’t know what he would have done. He believed her now - but would he have then? Was he stupid for doing so here, when she herself pointed out the flaw in his belief? Was it blinder than he realized? Was it as fucking foolish as trusting Peter Pettigrew for all that time?

      He hated that she brought Slytherin’s iconic trait of self-preservation into it. He wanted to tell her that house identifications were all ridiculous. One of his best friends now was a Slytherin, whereas a Gryffindor had sold out Lily and James and was the real reason that his godson had almost been murdered. “ It’s not because you’re a Slytherin, ” he said, unable to stop himself. “ It’s because of this fucking family. ”

      Sirius thought she was about to reach out to touch him, but was more surprised at the fact that he didn’t pull away. She stopped herself, though, and he looked down at her hand, down at his, then back at her.

      “ There can’t be a but, Cissa. There can’t be an I don’t know, and I’m sorry about that, but it’s true. There’s no such thing as neutral anymore. It’s us or them, ” he said, meaning it more than he ever had before. This had been his opinion for a long time, but for the first time since he first developed it in his teenage years, he knew it was true. “ Bravery. I’m not brave. I’m really fucking scared. And I’m really fucking angry and I am so tired. I’m not doing this because I’m brave, I’m doing it so that I can stop. So all of this can stop. ”

[siriusrunning]

georgieweaver

⎯  ✴︎ Georgie closed her eyes as she kissed him back. After a moment or two, she pulled back and looked up at him with a glint in her eyes. “ I may be the worst, but you just kissed the worst. What does make you? ”

▵ — Sirius tried in vain to look serious, unable to stop the dangerous smile that tugged at the corners of his lips. “ You don’t know? That makes me a martyr. I’m basically a saint. ”

[siriusrunning]

regecattermole

⎯  ✴︎ “ Oh yes I remember that. I was writing her apology notes for an entire month after. And not because my mother told me to - she could have cared less and insisted it was just her job though being caught in something with Gryffindor maybe would’ve made her mad - but it was because I felt so guilty. She probably could still give me that look and I’d apologize for it. ”

            “ I’m surprised you’ve never heard about it. Doe keeps my shame a secret really well. Not that I’m surprised, but I never thought to ask her to. ”

▵ — “ Don’t even remind me. I can’t even tell you how many apology notes I wrote, and, as you know, I don’t apologize. Well, I can tell you how many - I wrote her four and a half, but stopped because I scared both her and myself by the out of character behavior. I thought she was going to do some kind of brain-check or whatever. ”

      “ That’s probably only because she’s done something equally shameful with Slughorn. She still calls him Slugbutt. ”

[siriusrunning]

runningprongs

⎯  ✴︎ “ Alright immediately, but let’s not start with kissing because I’m not quite comfortable being the mistress after a description like that one. If I wasn’t so firm in my resolve that I’m the only one that could be Han aside from Mr. Ford, I’d just give the role to her. Please tell me you’ve snogged more than once. more than twice. Maybe shagged even. ”

▵ — “ Don’t be daft. You’re not my mistress, you’re my first love. As far as that information goes, you haven’t yet earned it, Mr. Evans, because I’m not sure I trust you. Not after you spread that rumor about me and dogs. It still gives me headaches. ”

[siriusrunning]

georgieweaver

⎯   ✴︎ This was one of the times Georgie wish she had more tact about giving an answer. Because the truth was, she’d already be long gone with Sirius right now if she didn’t have responsibility. One she was happy to have, but it stopped her from being reckless nonetheless. And it caused that look on Sirius’ face. The one she hated. One where you could see a little piece of his heart just fall off. It was subtle, but she could see it because she knew him so well.

          Then the smile crossed his face and suddenly that piece was right back. She could even see the devious glint in his eye that she lived for. It had been far too long since she’d seen him. It had been far too long since she’d seen that glint. The glint that made her want to go along with any plan that would come out of his mouth. And this time it was perfect. She ignored the thoughts that told her this was a bad ida because she really wanted to ruin Leona Victoria’s day.

            “Perfect. This will be the worst day of her life.” She glanced around quick before she looked back at him. “Let’s get out of here before they’re here. We’ll come up with a plan on the way.”

▵ — It was a terrible idea. Everything about it was stupid, and could easily end in death or worse ( he'd heard enough about Dementors to know that Azkaban would be worse ). Any reasonable person - or at least anyone who didn’t bleed red and gold - would have put an end to it immediately. Luckily for him, Georgie was about as reasonable as he was, and he felt the rush of excitement run through his body that he always felt when he was about to do something very stupid with someone very clever.

      The truth was that Sirius did not have a plan, nor did he ever. He’d learned that lesson by the time third year rolled around and he realized that his plans never worked out and it just made him angry. For the most part he just pretended to have a plan and everyone went along with it, usually knowing better, and that worked out well enough. Georgie was one of the ones who would know better, so he didn’t think twice before grabbing her hand and saying, “ Don’t splinch. ”

      To say that Sirius hated the feeling of apparition was an understatement - especially after the Great Splinching of 1978 - but they both made it in one piece in a small London alley. He sighed in relief when they arrived, letting go of Georgie’s hand and glancing around to make sure that they were, indeed, alone. Finally, he faced her. “ Which would she hate more but get us farther: an unspeakable bringing in one of her Most Wanted, or an unspeakable bringing her mangy mutt ‘round? ”

[siriusrunning]

gwcnog

— “ hey ! i didn’t know what star wars was until i met grant the other week ! are you really that surprised that i don’t know who she is ? i- okay, wait- hair bagels ? ”

▵ — “ That is not an excuse not to know the most amazing woman on the planet! And off the planet, for that matter. Thank Circe that Grant at least introduced you to the film. Not knowing about Star Wars is a bloody tragedy. Her hair bagels - you know, the enormous buns on the side of her head that look like American bagels? Her hair bagels. Fashion statement of the century, really. ”

[siriusrunning]

shesrottentothecore

— narcissa wrapped her arms around herself, fingers digging into her sides harshly. she wished she’d taken andromeda’s side whens he left. she wished she’d reached out to andromeda and sirius when they’d left the black homes. she forced herself to stand still, not wanting to appear more vulnerable than she already was appearing, with her refusal to draw her wand, and her usual automatic mask that she kept up had fallen. but struggling not to tremble was proving to be more difficult than she wanted.

blue eyes watched as sirius’ wand hand fell back to his side after she spoke, and she just stared for a couple minutes. she’d never been able to make herself hate sirius or andromeda the way their parents wanted her to. rather, she’d used occlumency, put up walls and misled anyone who tried to pry into her mind to keep them from finding out about how much she missed them. but she was sure that if anyone tried to pry right now, they’d see just how much regret she held, how much she missed them. surely, her mother would be furious.

‘ i worked so hard to get you that marriage and life, and you’re going to throw it all away for those blood-traitors ?? ’

narcissa could hear her mother’s voice in her head, scolding her for her feelings. yet, she couldn’t say that she was sorry that she missed them except when paired with her regret that she’d kept her feelings to herself. but sirius and andromeda had both had friends to go to. narcissa wasn’t so sure any of her friends would have taken her in the way james potter’s family had accepted sirius. perhaps if rabastan had been old enough to have been living alone, but if she’d defected, she doubted he would have. at least not for her. they hadn’t been close until bella and rodolphus had gotten married, anyways.

narcissa listened as sirius yelled, not once opening her mouth to interrupt. any harsh words he had for her, she was certain she deserved. but she let out a squeak unintentionally, shrinking back slightly as he mentioned his godson. she shook her head violently, pushing back tears - she’d never been one of the strong members of her family, at least in her own opinion. “ what would you have done if i’d owled you while you were living with the potters ? what would you have done if i’d shown up, claiming i was on your side ?  i should have chosen to stand up for you and andromeda. i was scared. i doubt anyone would have wanted to take me in then, just like i’m unwanted now. i spent my entire life trying to be the perfect daughter, perfect-fucking-pureblood, because it was that or be thrown out to nothing. where would i have gone, sirius ? ” the entire concept was left a sour taste in her mouth. she’d spent her entire life trying to be ‘ perfect ’ in the black family’s eyes, and for what ? self-preservation that wouldn’t have even mattered had she been nicer during her earlier years at hogwarts ? 

narcissa sighed, “ i never wanted any of this. i was scared. i-i didn’t know that he was going to go after harry until after it happened. i don’t get to go to meetings. i… i’m- ” she curled her fingers into the fabric of her cloak, gaze falling to stare at her feet. “ all i can do is apologise. i’ve already thrown myself into suspicion by rampaging through the ministry after hearing about hogwarts. what would you have me do ? ” 

▵ — Sirius watched his cousin carefully as he spoke, felt all the anger and all the hurt that he’d worked so hard to bury under all of his asinine traits dig their way to the surface, clawing at his mind and his body, making his head pound and his hands shake involuntarily. The sight of Narcissa looking on the edge, on the verge, made him wish he’d given her a second, third glance in the past, made him wonder what would be different if their family weren’t such a mess, if he hadn’t been such a royal fuck up.

      He never could blame her for not standing up for him. By that time she’d already lost Andromeda, the friendlier sister, and Druella’s reaction had been disgusting. The woman was as frightening as Walburga but only half as ugly, and Sirius despised her just as much as he despised his own mother. He never allowed himself to wonder what life would have been like had he not been placed in Gryffindor and met James and the rest of them, mostly because he was afraid to think that he might have gotten stuck. Which is exactly where Narcissa seemed to be now.

      Sirius no longer considered this with the caveat of “if she was telling the truth”.

      He was more surprised than he wanted to admit when Narcissa finally spoke, and he listened to her, for the first time in his life keeping his mouth shut. His hands still shook at his side, somewhere between rage and grief and confusion. He could tell she was fighting back tears and he wondered if he was doing the same. When she finished talking, he stayed silent for a moment longer, staring. He clenched and unclenched his jaw as her words flitted through his mind, thinking, wondering, wishing.

      “ Is that what you think of me, Narcissa? ” he asked, surprised at the hurt he felt in the wake of her words. “ Do you think I would have turned my back on you, all because I was young and secure enough to make Walburga want to kill me and you weren’t? ” Sirius laughed, unable to keep the bitterness out of it, as he never could when talking about that day or that woman. He suspected if she so much as glimpsed him on the street she’d come at his throat with a knife, and not without a shriek to make the whole world put their hands over their ears, the harpy.

      “ I never expected anything from anyone. Not everyone is as stupid as I am, not everyone puts blind faith in their own ability to just barely escape death. Trust me, that’s been made abundantly clear over the years. But this has never just been about me, Cissa, it’s been about them. It’s been about protecting them. I could’ve made out like a bandit in our family, and you could, still, but you’re here. Because they’re dying, and they shouldn’t be. And you know that. You believe that. ” It was as he said it that Sirius realized this must have been true, and he stared at Narcissa: the wife of a death eater. And a mother, and a sister, and a cousin. And someone who didn’t belong, just like he hadn’t, just like Andromeda hadn’t. He repeated himself again, this time a question, this time his voice betraying him and breaking as he spoke. “ You believe that? ”

[obiwenkanobi]

incorrect marauders quotes [2/?]

[siriusrunning]

Sirius: I either have a plan, or I'm an idiot.

Susan: That's good. 'Cause usually you have a plan and you're an idiot.

[siriusrunning]

georgieweaver

⎯  ✴︎ “ I sincerely try to flatter you often, Sirius. Even though I do find the game pretty stupid to have rules. I do agree with some of them though. I think we should leave the kiss up to the winner to decide who starts it or not. ”

▵ — “ You’re the worst. ”

[siriusrunning]

ontherunremus

Before he knew what he was doing, Remus was sitting beside his best mate, hugging his knees to his chest. He stared at the house before them, or rather, he looked at it while his mind began to go elsewhere. A memory of old times flashed through his head - how many times had they sat this way before everything went downhill? He smiled slightly at the thought of better times. The smile was short-lived.

“I let you because you bring me chocolate.” He retorted quietly, the smile returning for a brief second. He took a moment to look Sirius over, his eyes automatically scanning for any obvious injuries. It was a habit that he’d acquired over the last few years. He’d rather be safe than sorry. Sirius didn’t look hurt just…tired. This war was draining, and clearly it had taken a toll on the other boy. After everything that happened with Peter, Remus knew Sirius was undoubtedly beating himself up over what could have possibly happened. Remus knew it wasn’t his fault, even if Sirius couldn’t quite see it yet.

Remus let out a short sigh, his breath visible in the cold air. This was exactly why Remus had decided to cut people off – he didn’t need to drag anyone down with him. He wasn’t one to be worried about. “Things are better this way, Pads.” He replied, wanting with his whole heart to believe what he was saying. “I don’t want any of them – any of you to get hurt.”

▵ — Sirius hated seeing his friend like this, looking like the world had beaten him down so much that it was hard to wake up in the morning. They all liked like this, now, but with Remus, it was different. Remus had always looked tired, due to his condition. Now he looked ill. Pale and sad and helpless and afraid, everything that Sirius and anyone who knew him knew he wasn’t. But Remus never could hear reason, when it was positive about himself. The only person who ever seemed to get through to him before was Lily, and he wasn’t even speaking to her anymore.

      He was glad, though, to see a flicker of a smile shoot across Remus’ face, as short lived as it might have been. That meant it was still there - that some kind of happiness still kindled in him, that it could be salvaged. That, maybe one day, they could all be like they were - happy. Free. “ That’s why I bring you chocolate, ” Sirius answered quickly, laughing as he said the words, knowing that they were partially true. It had become his go-to in making sure that Remus was still alive.

      Remus got defensive, like Sirius knew he would, and he sighed when his friend spoke, shaking his head and looking down at the ground. “ Just stop that for a second, alright? Stop saying that just this once, ” he said, and every word killed him. “ Do you know what that’s like? Every day we wonder if you’re still alive. Lily asks about you constantly, I’ve never seen her so upset, and all she talks about is how much she hates that you think you’re some kind of monster. I show up at your shack every day wondering if I’m going to find your body, or find it empty that day and then the next and the next and the next until I’m forced to put two and two together. ”

      Sirius took a deep breath, clenching his jaw and squeezing his eyes shut to gather his thoughts. His head and heart were pounding. “ I know monsters. I lived with them for more than half of my life. You’re not a monster, Remus. You’ve never been a monster. If you’re not going to believe anyone else, believe me. ”

[siriusrunning]

regecattermole

⎯  ✴︎ “ In that case, she’s probably tired. I recall the two of you getting injured a lot. More than once I did too because of some scheme of Doe’s. Which I would never take back. I will give the two of you credit because of first hand experiences. Though I’m not sure if M - Poppy would feel the same way. ”

         “ He’s probably still mad about that. Though I’ve always figured he’s more afraid of me than mad. I ran him down in a broom accident… fifth year. ”

▵ — “ I remember that. D’you remember that day, after Gryffindor won the House Cup, and she literally had to use almost the entirety of her potion store on us three? She was furious. I think we all cried at least once because she was so mad. I fucking love her. ”

“ Shit. If it were anyone else, I’d think it wasn’t an accident. I say this with great sorrow, but that might actually beat Gudgeon’s accident with the Whomping Willow. ”

[siriusrunning]

runningprongs

⎯  ✴︎ “ Honestly I’d be shocked if you expected any less from me. ”

         “ I’ll never deny that no one’s better to play him. And don’t you dare lie to me Sirius Black. You know you’d rather kiss me above anyone else. She’s not here. There’s nothing to fake. It’s Mr. Solo-Organa. I’m a strong and independent Smuggler, but I also love the name Organa. ”

▵ — “ Prongs, mate, there’s no one I’d rather kiss than you. But Georgie does wear wonderful perfume and she tastes like... peppermint. ” He cleared his throat, shaking his head. “ Well. Brilliant. It sounds as though we have a plan. Rehearsals start immediately. ”

[siriusrunning]

georgieweaver

⎯  ✴︎ “ You should really write those down because they’re so specific. How are later generations supposed to know them? Word of mouth seems tedious in this case. But I do thank you for being so sportsmanly even if you need to be more clear on the rule in favor of it. Who initiates the kiss? The one that loses or the one that wins cup flipping? ”

▵ — “ Future generations? You have no idea how much it means to me that you think this game will be good enough to last fore multiple generations. As far as the kiss, well, that rule simply doesn’t have any specifics set in stone. I was thinking you’d help me finish coming up with that one. ”

[siriusrunning]

georgieweaver

⎯   ✴︎ Three words could be so simple, but hold so much meaning. There were times, especially ones like these, where it would hold more meaning to the people in exchange of them. To someone else it could be so simple, but to them, it could hold more weight than they thought possible. Which raised a problem for Georgie when Sirius asked her those words. It meant he wanted her to come with him, it meant that it wasn’t just only for that moment to avoid her being seen. She knew it meant that this was to go on the run with him.

          She’d been wanting to join all of them on the run. She’d been wanting to with all of her being, but she kept delaying it. If it wasn’t because the situation didn’t allow it, it was because she’d found a reason to benefit others to stay. But it’d gotten so lonely and hard. She wanted to be outspoken, she wanted to be with the people she cared about. She wanted to say yes and run with Sirius, but when her mouth opened she reminded herself that it couldn’t be that simple.

         “I want to just say yes and go with you but…” she started and realized it sounded just like some excuse, but it really wasn’t. She couldn’t be as reckless as she wanted to be. “There’s someone here from MACUSA. Grant knew her and well from what I’ve gathered. I would easily say something even more than close friends given how she reacted and Doe said Grant reacted when she got in contact with me again. I have to get her out before I can leave. I leave with her.”

▵ — Sirius knew quickly that she understood. Everything that had until then been left unspoken was laid on the table, and it was just the two of them and those three words hanging in the air: come with me. No matter what her answer, everything would change for Sirius. If she refused he should have been able to go back to how he was living, but he knew things would be different - quieter, more self destructive. But if she came those three words would lead to the next three: stay with me.

      Sirius hated that she was alone. He hated that she was still in that disgusting place, surrounded by the world’s worst, demoted, dehumanized, and in danger. He hated that he never got to see her anymore, and hated even more that when he did, it was because his life was in danger.

      And Georgina Weaver meant more to him than that.

      The silence between them felt like eternity, and when she finally started, his stomach began to knot, and he was somewhere between nodding solemnly and repeating himself again, and all he’d managed to say was her name - “ Georgie- ” - before she completed her thought. ( He never was sure what he was going to say. )

      “ Alright, ” Sirius agreed, the hint of a smirk on his lips. “ Let’s go ruin Leona Victoria’s day. ”