Sister Arps

[sisterarps]

I don’t know where to start. These past few weeks have been so dark. I have so much pain and trauma that has resurfaced from my past that I can’t get away from. There is a sense of powerlessness present in my attitude that means I can’t resolve any of the trivial or superficial problems that arise in my life. Something as simple as showering or having a nutritious breakfast is going to make things a little better, but I am unable to do it. My motivation levels are just so low, that taking a sip of water is just too hard. I know that comes with the territory of navigating Major Depressive Disorder. It’s as if nothing I do will help my situation though, someone else needs to come in and rescue me, make it all better. I haven’t felt like myself at all. I am feeling hopeless, worthless, undeserving of happiness. There is no hope for me most of the time and I can’t find many reasons to keep on trying. There was a time in my life when I was incredibly motivated to be my best self. I was 26. Everything I did was working, but when it didn’t, I was super capable of coping with it in a healthy way. I had made some massive self discoveries and learned how to be happy within myself and talk myself into maintaining that happiness. I was owning my life and taking responsibility for the things I needed to. I learned to not take things personally and I saw other people in another light, or I guess in more of a Christ-like light. I was working towards my goal to serve a mission for my church, I was satisfied with the mutually beneficial relationships and friendships I had, I had a healthy relationship with food and exercise, I liked where I was living and I enjoyed working where I did. My life was not perfect but I was managing and doing really well and had a really good outlook on life and my future. Fast forward to now, I feel as though I have forgotten all of the good from 26 year old me, its as if I can’t seem to recall any of those good habits I established for myself. I am in a different city now of course, I have different people around me and new goals to work towards. But shouldn’t the principle be the same? Shouldn’t I be able to pick up where I left off? Why is it so hard for me to re establish a healthy mindset? I’ve done it before, how can I do it again?

[sisterarps]

As I write this, it's 4 o'clock in the morning and I've been watching the office most of the night. I can't sleep because I was determined to do the opposite of what I'd been doing (healthy sleep habit) for the past 13 months.

So I've been back for about 3 weeks. It's been a ride. It's been fun but also so tough. I don't even know how to sum up post mission life, let alone a 13 month experience that was the hardest but best thing I've ever done!

Some things I remember from my mission are the people and my companions. The people I taught and spent time with and my companions had the biggest impact, or influence, on me. I am a different person and understand the gospel of jesus christ so much more now because of the examples I had around me. Never underestimate how much your example can mean to someone. There is a scripture in 1 Timothy which talks about being "an example of the believers" and this is a scripture I love so much because examples are powerful!

Coming home early from my mission kind of put me out a little bit. I was very happy to come home, and made the decision over a period of a couple of weeks, but that doesn't change the fact that it's not the time I had planned. I am stuck between what I was doing and what I should be doing now that I'm back. I want to keep doing missionary work but I'm also needing to find a job and kind of resume my life I guess? I am trying to find the balance between who I was before and who I was on my mission. Finding that balance is difficult. I know that doing the basic things like praying, reading my scriptures and attending church are going to be the reasons I will stay close to the Lord. My goal for now, is to remain close to the Lord. There are so many reasons why I might not. I get distracted so easily. But my faith is like a rock now, compared to when I started my mission in December 2019. I am so glad I did it. I am also so glad to be home ♥︎

[sisterarps]

It's time for me to go and share with the people of New Zealand/Cook Islands what brings me the most joy in this life ♡

For those that might wonder what that is, I believe we have a God who loves us and wants us to thrive on this earth. He sent a saviour, Jesus Christ, to suffer for us and take upon the sins of all mankind so we could live in the presence of God again.

For the next 18 months I will share this message with anyone who wants to learn. I am well aware that it seems crazy and like I am wasting my time, because what person living in a first world country needs God when they have lived their whole life without him? Well, I have done it both ways, and life is definitely a lot more meaningful and joyous to me when living the gospel of jesus christ.

[sisterarps]

I have all types of feelings at the moment and I am trying my best to identify them for what they are. I am thinking about the “saying goodbye to my perfectly good life” for the purpose of teaching other people about Christ. That’s something I have chosen to do; something I am looking forward to in theory. I’m thinking about the fact that I’m not going to be able to live the only way I’ve known my entire adult life. I am so used to doing what I want. I am 26 and have decided to put my life on hold for a year and a half to follow strict rules and a routine that will no doubt get tedious after a few months. I feel honoured to be given this opportunity and want to make every second of my 18 months count, but, I have this itching feeling that I can’t shake. I can’t help but think, will it really be so bad if I don’t go? What if I pursue the new feelings I have for someone I recently met? What if I make it my mission to live my best life for Jesus Christ anyway? Isn’t that what’s most important? If I meet someone and for whatever reason, we fall totally in love and decide to start a life together, am I failing? Some people might say absolutely not, but personally, I have been wanting to do this since I was 20. It is something that hasn’t been a possibility before now. I can’t believe I am finally at this point and can say there is a solid date I am doing this thing. I want to have these experiences and study my heart out for people who are looking for answers. I want to teach my children the importance of personal conversion to Jesus Christ through my own experiences. I want to relate to and connect with as many of God’s children that I can. I can’t help but feel incredibly thankful for this experience called life on earth and how amazing it is to know SO little but feel lucky to also know SO much about the plan of happiness, and then, how absolutely honoured I am to be able to share it with other people, and be given a platform to do it. 47 days until my adventure begins! Although, I do feel it has already, in fact, begun ♡

[sisterarps]

As I prepare to serve, I feel incredibly unprepared to go to the MTC. Although I am so excited to learn and experience all these new things, I am nervous about the unexpected. Am I going to find it difficult adjusting to the rules? Will I get along with my companions? Do I have everything I need? There are so many things coming to mind that are making me doubt my ability. Today being Sunday, it has been good to reflect and think about what I want to improve on and how I can become closer to God.

I spent all day yesterday going through everything I own, things I have accumulated over the last couple of years living in Melbourne. Going through everything has helped me feel a little more prepared and is a step closer to leaving. It improved my mood so much. I want to be organised and make sure I am prepared on a daily basis because it puts me in such a good mindset. Being in a good mood helps me connect with people and connecting with people is what makes me feel the most joy.

I was talking to a friend recently and she said something that made me think about the choice I am making. The choice I am making to serve a mission and devote 18 months of my life to this work. It may be frowned upon today, to believe in something that is more than what we can see. To believe in a higher power or a plan that is so perfect, we can’t think of anything that would be better. If I go throughout my whole life believing in something that has made me this happy, then to find out it is not true, what would it matter? I have lived the fullest life I could imagine and done everything in my power to be my truest self. I have tried my very best; learned as much as I can, lifted people up by expressing my love and appreciation as much as I can in various ways, embraced my own individual creativity, but best of all, had a really, really good time doing it.

No matter your story, you are invited to come unto Christ. We can all experience more joy in our individual lives when we turn to Him — who

[sisterarps]

I have been called to serve in the NZ Auckland Mission. I will report to the MTC on December 5th, 2019 and I am so, so, so looking forward to it. I am looking forward to all the connections with people I will make and the friendships I am going to develop. It is exciting to think about how different life is going to be but I feel very lucky to be going to my home country. It is weird, because I psyched myself up to learn a language or go somewhere I had never been and when I read that I would be going to Auckland, I thought “oh yeah, makes sense, duh, of course I am going to Auckland”. Obviously I had NO IDEA, but it just made sense to me. I am so excited and have family in Auckland so I know it will be easier for me to adapt. 

Ultimately, I am excited to share with people how the gospel of Jesus Christ has changed my life for the better. I know that I am happy living the standards the church sets for it’s members, although it hasn’t been easy and I have struggled as we all do with some things, I know that living by these standards has made my life so much better. I love who I am when I am trying my best to learn and being the best version of myself. I know most of the time I can do better and there are times I think, why bother trying? But then there are times when I see how trying has been worth it. Heavenly Father knows us and is very much aware of our struggles and shortcomings. He is in the details. I am so excited to live my life for Him and I hope that I can keep Him at the forefront of my mind as I prepare to serve my mission and I look forward to the lessons I am going to learn, leading up to and throughout my time in Auckland.