I MEAN this is pure joy this will be my main source of glee for the next like. four days because yes of course dunk gets thrown into a targ summer vacation and half of them despise the beach but baelor and rhaegel know the drill and present an excel sheet with rides and costs and places for everyone to read and maekar spends most of his night huffing and puffing but eventually calls baelor and tells him fine you fucking WIN like every fucking YEAR but this time i'm NOT hearing anything about being uncooperative i won't even TRY to step foot on the sand you'll find me DEAD before i do
spoiler: he actually steps foot on the sand. in fact he bathes himself in spf 50+ thrice because rhaegel dares him to a beach volley match and who's maekar targaryen if not a man suffering from his own pride and now he's roasting himself kebab-style, yelling profanities because why the fuck is sand so unbaerable anyway UGH YOU ABSOLUTE WANKER
all the while dunk didn't even get properly invited, the conversation went like
baelor, pouring himself a glass of wine and ignoring aerys double-texting him about wanting him and rhaegel to explode: so there's this all-inclusive resort with a private beach and all-you-can-eat breakfast and every room has a built-in jacuzzi and we all book the whole place for two weeks because it's tradition, i mean it, it's engraved on our schedule, and i hope i didn't overstep by booking a room for two this time around
dunk: are you paying for it
baelor: the company card does
dunk: did egg put you up to this
baelor, who witnessed his nephew's exasperating meltdown the day before about how BORED he gets each summer so it's only right that he concocts escape plans that promptly get him to the er and make the capillaries in maekar's eyes burst: partly
dunk: as long as i can make my own protein shakes i'm in
so he goes and buys swimming trunks and every day looks and feels like a parks and recreation episode because egg drags daeron on some good old crab hunting, which ends in egg pissing on his brother's leg because he got stung by a jellyfish and THIS IS THE PROPER WAY TO DEAL WITH THIS STOP ACTING LIKE A FOOL URINE DISINFECTS THE WOUND (it doesn't) i'm going to die, am i not
meanwhile valarr and keira are enjoying their stay like it's their honey moon, they literally pull a The Three Wise Monkeys and valarr manages to write his thesis from his striped deckchair and keira sips her fancy cocktails in her colourful bikinis and the only occasion where they look possessed targ-style is when rhaegel and dunk challenge them to a table football match. they become Monsters and win 5-1 (the one goal dunk scores is purely pity-driven. keira lets him score and obliterates him a second after)
dunk spends 75% of his time sleeping and building sandcastles which baelor avidly collects by taking pictures of the whole structures and their details (dunk once sculpted a three-headed dragon and yes the thing was lopsided and yes it resembled a chimera of weird dogs but it sure is baelor's favourite). he stares at his man working and documents his process. aerys sits under the parasol next to him and he's half-reading a book about ariosto's usage of a hippogriff to get his insane hero to the moon so that he could retrieve his sanity back and he goes
aerys: are you marrying him
baelor: i would love to
aerys: good. please do so next year. i will not tolerate seeing these many people again before my battery's fully recharged
and that's it he's getting back to his room
also shiera tries to negotiate with the town's local aquarium because she wants to adopt the sturgeons and pouts for a total of 36 hours after accepting her defeat. brynden buys her two betta fish and she starts talking to them non-stop, consequently ignoring him for the rest of their stay
things get absurd when dunk suggests he and daeron rent a pedal boat and get offshore and daeron had a spritz too many and the sun is cooking him to sleep so he's not pushing on those pedals anymore and they get STRANDED with no phones and dunk panics and daeron panics and after 45 minutes here comes maekar on a coast guard boat red in the face SCREAMING and he gets them back and has them sit on the reception couch and screams some more. baelor pops in and goes are you done not yet go on then and just WAITS there with his arms crossed on his chest looking at dunk like he's the whole world and he's having the most fun he's experienced in a long time and dunk catches it and maekar catches it and now he's screaming at his brother too
okay i'm. off to bed now. i love your art kel i really do it breathes inspiration into me it keeps me #alive thank you thank you thank you for blessing us
#tfw you know your brother's gonna make a scene at the business brunch#because he always makes a scene at the business brunch#so you bring along your arm candy#(who is the head of your security detail by the way)#even though he has no place at the business brunch#and you're going to have to field questions from the nosier of your already nosy family members later#as to the specifics of your relationship with the head of your security detail#such as “why did he keep brushing knees with you”#and “i don't think he looked at a single other person at this table - why might that be”#and also he puts down three slices of victoria sponge because you notice how much he's enjoying it so you keep ordering him more#and he'll insist later - when he's driving you home - that you take it out of his paycheck#that he doesn't need you to pay for things for him and that he can pay his own way#and you'll keep quiet - for now - that you in fact quite like buying things for him#and it would please you to do it more regularly even#but he spooks like a horse when it comes to these things so you have to tread carefully#so you keep quiet - for now - and let him drive you home#tfw amiright
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But of course he doesn't take it out of his paycheck, because Baelor Targaryen is a lot of things — gentle, clever, kind, funny, surprisingly vanilla in bed, sentimental, unbelievably fussy about his clothes, determined, a terrible driver, loving, impatient, prone to crying at John Lewis adverts, overworked — but one thing he is above all things is a rich arsehole.
"I was under the impression that you rather enjoyed my arsehole," Baelor observed mildly, when Dunk told him as much. He probably meant it to sound snippy, but his eyes were smiling too crinkly for Dunk to take him seriously. They were curled up in Baelor's massive four-poster bed and in the moonlight he was so beautiful it made Dunk's heart twist.
"And so I do," he said, instead of confessing any of that shite, "but that doesn't mean I want to be..."
"My boyfriend?" This time there was no crinkly smile, just the slow drawing of tension that always threaded through their conversations whenever they started on these What Are We Really To Each Other talks. Dunk wasn't sure how he could be clearer about where he was — at Baelor's side, from now until Baelor inevitably got tired of him, even if he never said that last bit — but Baelor still got that pinched look around his mouth and looked off toward the middle distance like he was in some Jane Austen novel and was about to propose to the wrong sister or whatever those books were about.
"I just don't want you thinking I'm...around... because of the things you buy for me. Or because you pay me," he added, and then rewound that sentence and realized how stupid it sounded. "I mean, you do pay me, I suppose, but—"
"I pay you to protect myself and my family," Baelor finished for him. "You've gone to rather extreme lengths to demonstrate that anything aside from that is due to my personal magnetism." The crinkles were back, thank fuck, and Dunk breathed a sigh of relief.
"I don't think I put it quite like that," he said, but he nudged Baelor onto his side so he could tuck himself along the curve of Baelor's spine and legs, still marveling after all this time that he could do this — that Baelor Targaryen let him do this, wanted him to.
"Perhaps not," Baelor allowed, pressing back against him, warm and real in his arms. "Must be my arsehole, then."
"Must be," Dunk agreed, and kissed him fondly on the back of his head, right where the hair was beginning to thin. It was his favorite bit, but he decided to wait a while longer before confessing that.
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