asdfghjkl; @sittingin - Tumblr Blog

I either am fighting to catch the next breath or non stop crying

Learning that I'm able to process my emotions better and fully when I'm alone. That when I'm with others I sort of put a blocker up so that I can be there as a support...but then when I'm alone the flood gates break and I can't stop it...

Just one of those cries where you just sit there and the tears keep rolling down your cheeks...you just stare into the distance and dont even bother to stop or try to hide it.

It's crazy how something that is supposed to be so exciting can be the time where you feel the most alone.

I'm trying to stay strong. I'm trying to hold it together. Because I cant let anyone see. I dont want it to appear that I got my hopes up or that my expectations were too high...

Because in reality they were so low....so very low.

But I've prepared myself. I said "ok. You are gunna start trying, time to prepare for all of the never ending list of things that could go wrong."

Infertility

PCOS

Miscarriage

Mental disability

Hard pregnancy

I prepared myself...or so I thought.

I think I knew all along...I mean. Why would it be easy for a girl like me?

Why would it be easy?

Waaaaay too in my feelings today. Send help. Everything makes me want to cry.

typologyindex

enneagram as Shel Silverstein poems

Type 1: “Hard To Please”

Type 2: “The Giving Tree”

Type 3: “Tell Me”

Type 4: “The Missing Piece”

Type 5: “Diving Board”

Type 6: “Whatif”

Type 7: “The Unscratchable Itch”

Type 8: “Don’t Tell Me”

Type 9: “Hug O’ War”

Wtf is wrong with my body...

I start working out and all of the sudden it's like

"Oh, you wanna do something good and healthy for me? Well guess what, I'M GUNNA MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO FALL ASLEEP."

WhAT dO yOu WaNt FrOm Me?!?!

People might think that I just don't post on Facebook because I don't have anything to post

but

I probably type out 8 posts a day and then delete them because i start thinking of all the possible positive and negative ways someone could react to my post or if they think that it would be stupid or, or, or....

#rsd #adhd rsd #rejection sensitive disorder #rejection sensitive dysphoria

Sometimes I'll send friend requests to people on Facebook who show up in my suggested friends a lot. Most of the time we are just acquaintances, but I usually just wanna see what they are up to!

There is this one gal who has shown up multiple times recently. l'm friends with her husband and I was friends with her on Facebook a while back. I follow her on Instagram and she is someone I kinda look up to. Since she kept showing up in my suggested friends and we had so many mutuals I decided to just add her on Facebook. I figured, she let me follow her on Instagram and we've talked a couple times on there, so she might want to be Facebook friends. We have a lot of mutuals so maybe?

Well. For some reason today I had the thought to go check her facebook to see if she had responded to the friend request (not something I usually do) and she had removed the friend request button from her page...

I immediately felt like I had gotten knocked over...it's such a little thing but it's making a big impact and idk why...it hurt. My feelings are hurt and my mind is racing with all of the thoughts about why she doesnt want to be friends with me.

I feel pathetic for overthinking it

But my mind wont stop from thinking the thoughts

anxietyproblem

Fuuuuuuck

I hate anxiety.

I'm so tired of trying to go to sleep and something that someone said years and years ago popping back up in my mind and making me feel like I just never want to try to do anything ever again and that I should just quit everything so that there is no possibility of me disappointing or burdening anyone ever again...

I literally went from being fine and happy and the only worry in my mind was having to get up early tomorrow...to feeling like absolute shit and just wanting to cry and cry and cry...

Fuck anxiety. Fuck overthinking.