I've learned a lot about myself in the past year or two. For starters, I've had the habit of following those who take the lead naturally, and I feel comfortable in their presence, following along and doing what they do. This led me to my first exploration of a relationship on Second Life. That reminds me, it's been a while since I've checked up on him. The last I heard, he streamed on Twitch... I wonder what he's up to?
I broke this one off. Eventually he stopped coming by on Second Life, and when it had been months of reaching out without any response back, I chose to reserve myself and look for feelings of comfort and security elsewhere. It had become, as they say, no longer personal.
Everyone else who reached out to me during this time simply didn't click. They either didn't take the lead, or they didn't show personal interest in me.
Fast forward about ten years, and while checking out a semi popular VTuber server, someone reaches out to me to help with my attempt to get started with VTubing. They offered me my very own VRoid model that I could use for my own purposes. I still have it. I even have a variation of that VRoid model uploaded to VRChat today, although I never wear it. But that day meant something special.
Someone was taking the lead and showing interest in little old me. From that day on, I tried to show as much interest in them and their interests back. I even became their moderator, and vowed to protect their server from even my own headmate should the need arise.
I won't go over how this ended. If you need to, find my TwitLonger on Twitter, because at the moment I have nothing to add other than we've started counselling finally. My exile was sealed the moment I broke my promise without even realizing it. I still owe their friend an apology for getting him involved.
You might be asking, "Saria, wasn't this post supposed to be answering who YOU are? Not who can find a way into your heart?" And I suppose that is the point. Those who find a way into my heart become just as much a part of me as I would have been on my own. I cherish those few individuals who were willing to think of me when I was nothing more than a literal Pirate Saria on the internet.
Now, who am I...? What values do I hold? What do I want to do with my life? These aren't easy answers. I think I want to go back and finish developing something for once. I want a project in a state where I can call it done and move onto the next project. Or move to the next stage of a project. I want to play my instruments better, and maybe even compose music. I want to make skins in Minecraft, and maybe even take commissions once I'm confident I can make what other people want. I'm nearly there already.
There is one more thing I want to do, and I know I'll be told it's a bad idea. I want to bury my trauma somewhere that forces people to work for it. I don't care that I'm stealing this idea from somewhere. If you want to know me better, you'll put in the time and effort to find it.
