Paper Hearts and Lullabies

Jared || Future Expat ||Texas 

[sk8rslife4me]

Ramblings.

I realize I am sensitive. I just want someone to fully appreciate me, the effort I give and just me, someone who is curious about me as much as I am about them, someone who can keep me level but still understand I'm humanaly just Jared, because that's how I like being loved. I realize that alone isn't anything nefarious or bad, the manner in which it manifests itself I feel is the toxic trait I posses. I'm so used to being left behind and even into my 30's that's a scary thought, even if I have the expectation it's going to happen. Perhaps I haven't completely dealt with some of the painful and traumatic experiences from my past.

At this stage of my life, I feel like I know myself pretty well, and I know what I want, my problem is I have trouble telling my person what I need without making them feel negatively or like I'm criticizing them. Even in platonic situations, while I know I am likable and a fairly personable person, I find issues with being consistent. If someone is going through something I don't care if it's 3am and I'm running on an hour of sleep while I have work at 7am, I'm going to answer and listen to them, be there for them. I know I'm incredibly supportive. Then me and that person won't talk for weeks or months. I just don't think about it. I find myself being consistent if I'm really close to someone like a best friend, if I'm courting someone I really connect with or who I'm in a relationship with. I can't put 50% into it either, I'm full throttle 110% effort or very little at all, there's no inbetween. Sometimes I hate that I'm like that. I've been told I'm "too much", too "intense", "you're exhausting", those aren't things I want to be told obviously, but I also understand to these people I do cause them to feel that way. I can't help it. It's great for my job and my career, people love that I can think two steps ahead of what my job requires me to do, that I'm fully focused on the task at hand, that I can empathize with people rather easily. In relationships, in my experience these traits have been some of the root causes for my failures.

I always proclaim that I'm simple, and maybe I am to me because I understand myself, but to others I'm a rubix cube, a giant difficult challenging puzzle to figure out. I tend to forget that and get frustrated when I'm not getting the desired result. Some will think I'm complex, others will think I'm broken and I need fixing. I realize my instruction manual is long as a thick textbook, but I'm not broken.

[sk8rslife4me]

You know what sucks? Having a person who won't respect your boundaries. You've blocked them 8 times on social media, they just create another account. I asked her to leave me alone several years ago. She's my birth mother and I'm emotionally spent from her unwanted attention.

[whitepeopletwitter]

[whitepeopletwitter]

[sk8rslife4me]

THIS.

When I was homeless, I stayed anywhere I could during the harsh winters to stay warm, libraries, bus stations (don’t recommend) and gas stations. I always felt so guilty, so much shame and embarrassment to be in the position I was in. At 18 years old I learned humility real quick. I’m better off now in terms of finances and in life, I will never ever look down on someone because they have less than me. I know the thin line between being okay and being out on the streets, especially here in the U.S. Wealthy people who act entitled or better than thou are in for a reality check.  

[whitepeopletwitter]

[whitepeopletwitter]

[whitepeopletwitter]

[whitepeopletwitter]

[sk8rslife4me]

I think I’m going to make a YouTube channel. I have so much crap to say and don’t really have the platform to do it. I just don’t think a mash of subjects would have any sort of audience 

[sk8rslife4me]

She was the best and the worst. She was both the mountain and the valley. The high and the sobering crash.

[siemingly]

[fckyeahtimmy]

[brilovesugly]

Dream marriage

[sk8rslife4me]

I’ll never have this

[ohddaniellee-blog]

Reblog this if you are literally suprised when people find you attractive.

[sanelirams]

Be with someone who actually gives a fuck about your bad days

[mykgthco444]

there’s love in long messages. in late night phone calls. love when laughs echo around us. when we dance. there’s love woven into your “i saw this and thought of you” or “i can give you the space you need” or “i am here”. there’s love in your eyes when you understand. and in your smile when you don’t but still try to. it’s in the food we share. flowing through the tips of our fingers when we touch. and intertwining when our thoughts flow together. there’s love captured in our photographs and even better, in our memories. days pass and there is love. always love, still.

[sevdolo]

[youngchronicpain]

quick question: how the fuck do I get through the rest of my life like this