This isn't the story of how a boy meets a girl and they fall in love and everything is magical and dream. This is the story of how depression creeps and sinks into every corner of your life without you knowing it. While the story may have a boy and a girl who are in love it does not end they way most are pictured.
His long wild red waves what drew me in, I hated the way his hair looked but somehow I had looked passed it and into the hazel eyes that bore empty. We started as acquaintances with mutual friends having the occasional conversation and a few small laughs. He was intoxicating to listen to. It wasn't his words but the little aneurysms he did like hitting his knee when he truly laughed at something or the small nail biting he did when he became disinterested or nervous about something. I slowly fell into his warm embrace but it felt odd, we were hiding the fact we were something due to what our friends would think. In the end it was my friends opinions that ruled mine.
In the third week and second introduction of us formally meeting I had feelings that couldn't describe and the only way I could was by simply feeling his touch. I felt warm and happy every time he would slightly brush his hand against the low of my back. The tingling sensation never went away as I can still feel his rough pads of his fingertips tickling my tender skin.
My emotions had flooded the watergate and I never wanted to be without him again. He felt the same. Dating was actually like a movie we were in the puppy love stage of the relationship for months, I couldn't keep myself or my hands away from him. It was all sensual but not always in a sexual way. He had a way of brushing the fray hairs behind my ear so he could look at all the features of my face which embarrassed me to the core. I’ve always been self conscious, a bit more than most. I can never receive a compliment without shooting myself down immediately after, which is quite strenuous on my mental health but for some reason I feel as if I deserve it.
Depression came quietly to me as if it was my worst nightmare slithering into the depths of my brain creating its new home. It soaked up my happiness, my passions and my health levels. While it might sound strange but since my mental health decline my physical health has diminished to a hollow shell of myself. I went for days without eating only to binge later and have some regrets, I wouldn't sleep for weeks then lay in bed for days at a time. Except no one had noticed since I lived in a dorm where there is constant action going on no one saw how unhappy I was becoming. How unhappy I am.
I sit here six months after the first meeting of the boy, a hollow shadow who would much rather be dead but can’t find the strength because I have so much love for the people around me. I am a fixer, I want everyone to be happy and have everything they've wanted while I let myself fade away. I guess in my own way I feel that if I help everyone around me that my absence won’t be that much of an affect. Unfortunately the more I help the more they become attached and they all tell me that they love me and I’m beautiful but I can’t see it. I am blind to being happy, I see no future for myself even though I tell people I do. The only future I see is me slipping away from everyone and everything I care about and eventually diminishing as if I never existed, but that's the worst part. No one can just disappear without someone missing them, craving them, mourning them. Their memory, their laugh, their favorite color, hobbies and food is everywhere. Everything begins to remind you of them and slowly you sink deeper into the pit they fell to.
I’m in that pit but Im stuck trapped inside my own destructive mind drowning in a pool of thoughts that could fateley kill me. One day they will either by my own hand or by the hands of something stronger. A larger being then all of us, maybe the grim reaper or the angel of death but that would be too easy. Life is tough there is heartbreak and torture in many forms some bad some good but overall that’s what our world is a constant battle between good and bad as we attempt to find the deeper meaning in our lives and in existence.
Tell me your sorrows, your hopes desires and dreams. I want to hear them, I want to see the people in this world those good and bad. I feel as if I could analyze the way people behave in a world like ours maybe there is a deeper meaning to all of this.
I apologize this wasn't the story of a boy and a girl but the story of a girl lying in her bed late at night wondering why she is here.
