Growing.

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Sweet Seals For You, Always
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Noah Kahan

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@skipgarcia
Growing.
This is the lucky clover cat. reblog this in 30 seconds & he will bring u good luck and fortune.
Reblog if you think thick thighs are great
Reblog if you say "Y'all"
I’ve never belonged anywhere I’m always just in between
Father, i .... im sorry. 😐
since 2015
cant say i've done much good. i hate myself, mostly.
a good friend of mine got married. best wedding EVER!! played guitar for live kareoke. pretty dope! also made out with two women that night. took one of the brides maids upstairs when i actually left the band cuz i had to pee so bad. her lips are wonderful. so are her breasts, which i eventually saw and handled as she required for her pleasure. the other woman was the photographer. we'd snuck into the garage a few times. grabbed her hand, and ran with her. earlier that week we had sex in her mini cooper in front of someone's house in the neighborhood. she was angry with me, prior, but as soon as she saw me, i guess, it all went away. she likes it rough, and im not used to that, but it was fun. and then that friday, the night before the wedding, i kissed the brides maid for the first time. it was sweet. she had a crush on me for a long time, and she was convenient for me after the photographer found another man. my relationship with the her lasted about a year. and i still was not over my ex from before them both.
Nancy. i thought she was actually The One. and technically she was. and all four promises from יהוה were fulfilled. maybe.. thing is i went out of order. it was supposed to be like this: 1. Job; 2. Car; 3. my own Place, and then 4. Marriage. we checked 1 off the list, but i had asked Father if i could meet the woman i would marry so we'd build a relationship and by the time i'd move out of my dad's house we'd be ready to tie the knot. didnt work that way exactly. we met. we had sex. we broke up.
the other man was such a jealous dude! i guess for good reason. but hay.. i screwed up.
after our first time, there was this connection between us i hadnt felt with any other. the thing is intercourse IS marriage. i even said it to her, "Nancy, do you realize we've just become one!?" i literally said that. i'd asked Father to give me 3 witnesses of who the one would be and they all manifest in Nancy. but because i went out of order by sleeping with her, and committed adultery by sleeping with the photographer, Father seperated us. Nancy found another man.
so when the photographer explained to me why she was leaving me it was after i saw her all over the other man [are you able to follow? 😌]. it was quite a mess. well, i was. i was drunk. we were all at the rehearsal studio in whittier and i made a scene. i was never so NOT myself at any other point in my life. and it wasnt over.
continuing after it ended with the brides maid, my addiction to pornography escalated. i started drinking more. i got up to 200 pounds again. then there was what seemed to be a new hope. Courtnie, the pizza girl.
beautiful red head. looks like violet beane! it was my fault for looking too into things, but what else am i supposed to do when im looking to Yah for a sign!? i did everything BUT pray. actually, what i did pray was that if i couldnt stop looking at porn then i shouldnt be with pizza girl. i guess Father heard me cuz it was such a let down when i found out that Courtnie had quit her job at little caesers. i was.. devistated, to be honest. she said to a couple of friends of mine, "Tell him not to be shy!" then She Quit. then i started another account on suicide girls, which i frequent every single day.
Father took my phone. broke the next 2 and i still wouldnt stop. i had another accident, this time putting me out of work for 3 1/2 weeks. still, couldnt.
i am addicted to porn.
but now the time is at hand. change is afoot. but i need help. i really need help.
guess thats all i have to say. 👋
Time To Stop
there might be very few things i regret. i cant say i’ve never done terrible things..
😏💁
..but i do not want to break anymore hearts.
Condemnation. anybody familiar with it? its a killer! its a big deal in the world of Christianity. its what guilty people are prone to doing, and then using Lashon HaRah against themselves, that is, Evil Speaking [literally, “the evil tongue”].
you can speak to your soul. did you know that? its true. in the book of Samuel in the Bible the King David encouraged himself. Psalm 103:2 says, “Bless יהוה o, my soul.”
i believe that most people talk to themselves anyway. the thing is, what are we saying?
i have had low self esteem for.. as long as i can remember, i suppose. i never really fit in so i guess that meant there was something wrong with me, right? i grew a little bit, made mistakes and nobody told me to learn from them instead of dwell on them until i was almost through my teens. oh well, i guess. i am a late bloomer. 💁🌻
well.. eventually i came into self loathing, and after coming to Messiah, it never really went away. 7 years deep, i cant say i have all the answers.. still.. but i do have a suggestion.
Apologize To Your Soul.
do it. because you can put yourself through a lot of rediculousness by being stubborn. hardening your heart. choosing to do wrong when you know to do good! if you have done intentional wrongness, whether you cared, or not at the time, you owe yourself an Apology. if circumstances have caused you to think and to speak to yourself negatively. Apologize to Yourself.
if you don’t like people talking crap to you, don’t do it to yourself either. don’t put your soul through that.
begin this way. say, “Soul.. oh, My Soul… ” and go from there. i cant tell you what a difference this has made for me, but go see for yourself. we are our own worst enemy. isn’t it time to stop that?
Had It
could this be it now
oh let me remember how
cuz being here doesn’t suit me
and You can see right through me
i’m wishing things were different
leasing my mind for rent
can’t help the way I feel
just needing something real
I didn't ask for this life of mine
but now i’m runnin out of time
afraid for my own soul
yet still Heaven is the goal
i’m running on vision
head on collision
cuz these eyes have no precision
that was also my decision
moving on to my heart
as always i fall apart
but here in Your arms i've died
at least can i say i've tried... ?
there was always the whiplash. at one moment we would be so happy our veins hurt to hold it and the next we were sobbing. the problem is people don’t like instability and they hate crying. so in public we wasted all of our energy on smiling and when we got home we’d find ourselves on the floor. it was a good day today, why is this happening. i did a good job today. why am i still hurting.
this is so inherently profound. a certain seldom spoken truth among modern men and women. its one thing to stay strong and to press on through life's challenges, but we cannot be disallowed to feel. for what shame have they that cry? events that are even at the least uncomfortable interrupt our lives, and is it that we are supposed to automatically know what to do, or how to handle the emotions? is it really so simple?
admit it. own it. feel it, but don't give yourself up to it. shame on they who would say, "suck it up," or "get over it!" we will when we can. sometimes we need help, and we need a push, but never an imposed false, or quick solution. if there isn't closure, the door will always be opened and we will always be haunted by whatever it is that hinders us. we cannot let people, or our pride get in the way of attaining the happiness we seek. it is an injustice.
Why Love God?
here's a very profound scripture: 1 John 4:19 "We love Him because He first loved us." this is saying that God, Elohim, loves us. therefore, we love Him. i dunno if that makes sense to anyone else, but to me, and hear me out, its a very romantic idea, but not so much realistic. man, it feels almost blasphemous to just say that. i mean, as a believer, in a sense combating God's Word, but the truth here is that you must have questions. there are many different versions, or translations of the Bible, and believe it, or not, things have been changed. words. verses. chapters. added, and removed. now, that truly is blasphemous. you cannot simply take what your pastor, priest, or rabbi has to say as absolute. you must study the scriptures for yourself. so having said thus.. think about this: you cannot Love someone that you do not know. make sense? God knows us. He knows all our flaws as well as attributes, and He proved His Great Love on the Tree when He died for us, but that love is Unrequited. many people turn to Jesus when they have a great need, and you know what, more often than not, i believe He gives it to them. all the world shall know that He is יהוה, and there is no other god. His Name shall be Praised. you know what, though? Scripture says that The Father exalts His Word above His Name. there's obviously reasons for this, and while i couldn't expound on exactly why that is, i recall two things that The Messiah had said, maybe three. "I and My Father are One." "No man may come to the Father except by Me." and, "If you have seen me you have seen My Father also." bam! 😏 this is why the Word of Elohim is so important. it speaks always about The Father. The Messiah would always point to Him. John 1:1 states that the Word of God is God, in that (if you keep reading) the Word was made flesh. God Himself forsook His deity, humbled Himself and took upon Him a mortal body. He was born through the matrix of a woman. He was a child, grew and became a man. the Last Adam, Yehusha, The Messiah. can you imagine?! Scripture says that He learned. the Master had to learn! well, of course! how else would He have so great compassion and longsuffering for His people? you see, merely speaking isn't enough. it is the Act of Love that is impacting, rather than the promise, and God proved Himself. However, when the children of Israel were in the wilderness after being taken out of Egypt, out of the house of bondage, they murmured, complained, rebelled and believed not God. after 10 miracles (plagues upon Egypt) the Mana, and Water from the Rock, Israel still couldn't get it right. and they wouldn't. they wandered for 40 years because of their unbelief, bringing an evil report when they saw for themselves that the land of Canaan was indeed the land of Promise. regardless of the other kind of Spirit invested within Caleb, and that of Joshua, the only two who believed they could take the land, all of Israel believed the ten that spoke against God. out of fear, was it? a self image to that of a grasshopper through a false perspective of the giants that were in the land who may not have even seen them at all? maybe they did. still, the twelve managed to escape with a bundle of grapes that took two men to carry! so while they were eating this fruit that, for grapes, are pretty large (about the size of plums, or perhaps peaches), i imagine they said to themselves as they ate the evidence, "oh, what a delicious grape! no, we cant take the land." the next day they couldn't because יהוה wasn't with them. He'd already issued an order to them because of their unbelief, yet they went out to their death. it is that part of Egypt that was still in them that had to die out, and it took forty years to do that. i cant imagine Moshé at this point, and over the next four decades with these people, like "this is all your fault!" no. i think Moses was very cool. except for the second time that he smote the Rock. there is a breaking point for all men. 💁 so how does this apply to us? well, consider it.. what has God done for you? is that enough for you to love Him? i couldn't number all the women i've had affection toward, and in effect, shown love that had never loved me in return. the fact is they were simply uninterested. so, admit it. you already know whether you're interested in learning about God. about Jesus. following His commandments. you either are, or are not. the blunt reality is this: it is given to the children of Elohim to know, but to them who are not of God, they that reject Him, it is not. this is not to suggest that you aren't a child of Yah if you are not ready. in my youth i lacked understanding, but into my twenties, all i understood was that i would return to God, not knowing for certain what that meant. when the time came, i sought God, and He was found of me. He lead me into understanding, which at this point i cannot say is complete. however, what i do understand is that Elohim will meet you wherever you are, but He will not leave you there. you must be willing to go. 1 Corinthians 1:18 [KJV] says: "For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God." to be saved you need only believe that Yehusha, Jesus, is indeed the Son of God and was crucified and then risen again to life. and those that utterly refuse to believe have a one way ticket to hell, straight up! the last half of this chapter says, basically that this is not for everyone. whatever decision you have made, if you need help, He is ever present in time of trouble. He will turn your mourning into joy, and give you beauty for ashes. He says to try Him, and see if He will not open the Heavens and pour out a blessing. seek, and you shall find. knock, and the door shall be opened unto you. repent, for the kingdom of Heaven is at hand! it is a choice, love is. my recommendation: try Him. why love God? get to know Him. if you really want the answer, read The Word of God. pray, which in simplicity is talking to God. if it so behooves you, build a relationship with Him. say to Him, "if You are real, show me." He will.
its all frickin backwards. one must let go of their desire in order to attain what they really want, but even the intent would be wrong if that’s the only reason for letting go. its the heart….. and desire can be so strong. what can one do?
a part of me is lost. i cannot figure out where the problem centers. but there’s nothing new. nothing. only circumstances change. why haven’t i had enough?
now there’s a good question: why? why do i want what i want? that was something else Oscar Fabian brought to my attention back in high school. why is it so important to me?
i do not have an answer. all i know is you cant force something to happen. especially when you’re not ready for it.