I’m too stubborn to delete at this point
Because I feel like if I were to delete, I would only be encouraging the actions of the people who have sent me messages about how I was the reason the world was horrible, that I should kill myself to make up for it, that I don’t deserve friends or happiness, that they will hunt me down and kill me slowly (and I’ve gotten many creative things people would like to do to me in my inbox. Props for vivid imagination I suppose).
Were I to delete, these people who have been cruel to me would see so, and feel that they’ve won. That their bullying was effectual.
Which, on a personal level, I don’t want them to feel as though they’ve ‘beaten’ me (they haven’t). But on a bigger level, I don’t want them to feel like they can actually have an effective voice that way. If they see that they can bully me into deletion, it would only encourage them into bullying more people into deletion - after all, it would work, right?
But I won’t deny that I’ve been hurt badly from this.
All of these things these people are saying to me - I’ve heard it all before. I heard it back home when my priest forced me to eat bread that triggers an awful disease in my stomach, when my own friends talked about how people like me were ‘scary’ and ‘need to go to hell’ because I ‘was the reason hell existed.’ I heard it when my doctor wouldn’t give me the medicine I needed because I was just sick ‘because it was a punishment for being atheist’ and when my mom agreed with him. I heard it when my classmates talked about disgusting fags, tormented those who were ‘gender confused.’
They were all the same words. ‘Kill yourself, go to hell, you don’t deserve friends or happiness, monster, scum.’
I’ve been in therapy for 6 years after the aftermath of what my hometown put me through. I have diagnosed trauma from emotional abuse from it. Getting it again now, just after I had finally started to piece myself together, destroyed me. Because of this, my depression has been at an all time low, lower that it has ever been in the 10 years I’ve struggled with it. So low that my doctor was honestly surprised I hadn’t offed myself yet because I ranked off the scale for depression.
But I feel like I have to stand against it this time. It’s hurting me. Hurting other people. And I don’t want anyone, no one in the entire world, to have to go through what I did. No one deserves that.
I won’t delete because I don’t believe what I said was wrong. I don’t believe anyone should feel the hurt that comes from hateful words.
I won’t delete because I don’t want to let them turn into the exact same form of cruel people that comprised my small, conservative hometown.
