i just want this out of my system before i continue with the work i'm doing since i feel like my chest is about to explode from all the emotions, anxieties and thoughts.
i saw my mri results this morning and there are so many words i cannot understand since they are meant to be interpreted by a doctor. there are lots of findings and i asked harvey, my supposed ortho friend to interpret them for me and he told me that i might not undergo surgery automatically but there might still be a possibility, esp if i have already undergone surgery before. another thing he said is that i am prone to osteoarthritis because of the amount of dislocations and it got me so scared about the future. what if the next thing this happens, i won't be able to walk anymore? honestly, when i slipped, i was crying from the horrifying thoughts of me not being able to walk in the future and i might be burdensome for people. i have been independent for so long that when i relay for support from others, i feel like i'm not good enough and stuff. i don't want to go to surgery again. i am anxious that my doctor will schedule me an operation urgently once i go for my consultation tomorrow but God, i hope not. i will be going alone and i cant help but think that the anxieties would be lessened if only i have someone there for me tomorrow during the visit. if only my mother would be there, too. after the incident, this will be my first attempt to go somewhere alone. just please, no surgeries. i'd take that.
another thing i'm really stressed about is work. i feel like all of my work tasks are everywhere. since i took a 3-day sick leave last week, i feel like i haven't gotten back my work pace yet and there are sooooooo many things to do and i feel like all of them needs to be done urgently. tomorrow, i also have a big project presentation since i will already takeover the meeting presentation as the project manager. i feel like most of the pressure i have been feeling are from the weight i have been putting on myself and i need to ease it up but it is so hard to let go of the pressure when i am so scared of disappointing people around me, esp myself. i hope i don't disappoint myself but more than that, i hope i'm not too hard on myself. i hope i could give that same comfort that i give everyone to myself. one step, khirby. breathe. you're okay.
i have been putting this patch thing behind my mind for too long and i want to let it go already. she has been messaging me ever since the accident happened and i feel like she wants to reconnect but i just don't want to get hurt anymore. i feel like i'm losing friends at work, even harvey. we only converse work stuff and i'm not sure why he's drifting away. he's not like that to everyone, whenever i observe it, but with me, i feel like there was a gap and i'm not sure if he had a talk with patch. damn, i hate knowing that she has been going through my back with all of these talks about our friendship. i hate having to explain myself when i was the one who got hurt. i chose acceptance and i grieved in silence because i want to protect myself but why do i feel like i'm doing a bad thing for putting that boundary between us? it is so heavy. i feel so heavy about our friendship. sure, i can still be her friend but i can't be THAT friend anymore, esp after feeling like i have been used. do people only love me for the things that i can do for them?
kim and i had a discussion yesterday because i needed to be honest about how i've been feeling about our situation lately. i might have overwhelmed and pressured him from what i said but i feel like i needed to tell those because only from discussing those things we can only be truly free as we try to fix whatever needs to be fixed. i told him that i feel like he won't visit me in the hospital because my family will be there and i don't know what to tell them about him, esp that he still has THEIR picture as HIS dp on facebook. heck, we're not even friends and i know my parents would want to look at his profile. IF anything, all that i want is for us to break free from her shadows and we can't do that if we won't, more on he, won't face it. i know it's a hard thing to do but it has been two months since they talked (from what i know) and it's probably time to end that chapter, right? so we could also focus on how would we navigate things our way because for one, i still need to rebuild my trust and seeing her on that dp is not really helping. aside from the fact that i never had that privilege. oh wow, that was hurtful to even type. each time we are making progress on rebuilding trust, my thoughts would eventually go around his dp, our relationship and social media connection and eventually flip. we still have a long way to go, i know that because i still find myself being scared at times. and i still need to get over the anger, the jealousy and the betrayal. i still need to see that i am being pursued, communicated with and being chosen over and over. i still need to see that he also values my family and friends because they have valued me and took care of me during the days that he was away. still a long way to go but i hope that he is committed to go through it all and that God would give us the strength to go over these things. i have been praying about it for months now and as paramore said, it's just a spark but it's enough to keep me going. it's not even JUST a spark because it's a whole lot of fire but i want us to keep going. i hope he does, too. i hope he doesn't shy away from every hard conversation. we would need that strength for the bad days. hay.
there are lots of 'feeling' and 'i feel like' in this post and damn, i really really really have lots of feelings today. but writing it all down made me breathe - like my thoughts suddenly became my tumblr's possession instead of mine. thanks for always letting me decompress, tumblr. wouldn't know what i'd do without you. so far now, i'll head to the shower to refresh and get back to work. oh hay, khirby. you'll survive all of these things. you're khirby, aren't you?
im anxious about my test results kasi parang ang daming findings ng mri ko and i dont want to undergo surgery again :( nasstress ako na sumabay pa to sa lahat ng work and life ganaps. :( i just want to be a baby girl na inaalagaan with assurance and stability huhuhu :(( pls i just want my life to go smoothly na wala masyadong challenges for once ☹️
woah, okay. that was such a refresh. art really could shift things no? i mean books and movies could really ground you and soothe your soul. i needed time to breathe. i needed to shake away all of these negativities and somehow, reading thru the lives of these protagonists made me realize things. i’m pressuring myself too much. i’m pressuring him too much. self, this is your reminder that it’s okay to pause and for things to not be okay in a sudden, to work things out. please don’t be hard on yourself. please, don’t let the noise drown you out. i’m sorry for your anxieties. you are not them, okay? you are much more. 🥺
hey, you. sorry for hurting you and putting so much pressure when i should be supporting you. i hope you understand the outbursts as i’m also learning to live by them. 🥺
i hope you understand my pain - the doubts, the fears, the anxieties. i hope you get where i’m coming from. i hope you know why i’m feeling like this. damn, i hope you understand me. because it’s really tough out here.
i’ve been the understanding and patient one for months now. for this time, let me unleash the feelings i’ve been suppressing for so long. sana, ako naman ‘yung intindihin mo. sana, ako naman ‘yung pakinggan mo. sana, ako naman ‘yung pagpasensyahan mo kasi hindi madaling intindihin ‘yung situation na may ibang tao kang inuuwian dati. sana alam mo anong inendure ko. sana kayanin mong intindihin ako.
i was crying because memories and thoughts are haunting me.
it was because a thought i never had before came rushing last night. 'what if i didn't message again and her bipolar tendencies didn't show up, will you still leave her and come back to me?' and it was painful to think that i was probably an easier option because i'm not a psycho and my love for you runs deep. but if those didn't happen, would you still be in her arms - the way you intended to happen when you left me? damn, writing it down stings.
it was because i felt like i'm being used as an escape, when in honesty, i should be the ending, the destination, not the side track a person takes because everything is chaotic in reality. i know i bring the comfort and understanding but, i feel like i'm being shielded from reality, esp, after knowing that she messaged her family and you didn't say it to me. i feel like i'm being caged again. don't i deserve being loved loudly?
it was because i'm hurting in waiting. i miss the way you were being honest about how you feel, no matter how drastic it is. i miss when you're actually communicating them with me. now, i feel like i'm walking on eggshells and one wrong step could lead to cracks. i just want us to talk openly. i also don't like when i ask questions because i feel like i'm prying when things should be discussed with me openly. i don't like prying. i don't like my trust wavering. i don't like hurting. i don't like feeling like i'm not myself.
it was because i felt like i'm being abandoned. am i the only one thinking that things are still all over the place? that everything needs to get fixed? that i still need to air out my emotions, esp the suppressed ones? why do i feel like your grip on me is kinda losing because you know that i will never leave? please, please, hold on too me tightly. i need that assurance to build my trust again.
it's not easy to build trust again, esp, if i got lied on and betrayed to my face directly. esp, when i was told that i wasn't loved and you're choosing someone else. esp, when i heard that 'hindi na kita mahal' and it would still sometimes ring in my mind on random moments.
i'm just hurt and sad, that's all. i just needed to be assured, to be cared for. to be listened to.
i sometimes wonder how manipulative she can be that she could just command you to do anything and you'd immediately follow. of how fast the seven years slipped in your hands because she enticed you to make a move. of how you chose to tear me apart because she ordered you to leave me. of how easily you blocked me because she told you to completely ignore me. of how you posted her on your story and feed, when i didn't even get to experience that, just because she commanded you to do it for her assurance. of how you spent days with her knowing damn much that we're both hurting but chose it anyway.
i sometimes wonder why i feel like fear outweighs love. of how i'd tell you to talk to her to finally end it since you have already ghosted her and you'd tell me it isn't easy. but why was it easy to give in with her? why is it hard to give me the things i'm asking for? i know, i know. i understand that she's on the verge of self-harm and you're trying to be careful as you break free, but damn son, i'm trying to muster all the patience i could get to make it through the phase of waiting.
is it really tough to choose me over fear, to fight for me this time? it probably is but do it for me. i told myself that i won't beg and i'm so much more worth it than what transpired, so please, don't make me.
another thing, i hope you never get tired of assuring and proving to me that we deserve this chance and that i'm not falling into a trap of mistake. i needed to see, feel and know that i am being loved, chosen and cared for.
sometimes, i’d wish that days would come by faster - so fast that we’re in our own place on a Sunday morning, having pancakes and hotdogs with our kids. the kind of days i’d dream about.
but then, as much as i want to jump to the good parts, i’d still want to go through the hard stuff with you because only then we’d be able to laugh and say, ‘we finally made it.’
one day. someday.
for now, good night. i hope the universe treats you better tomorrow.
it's tiring. to be on the end of understanding. to be on the more patient side. to be the one who waits, because i don't want to cause any more chaos. but i keep on going. but this heart keeps holding on. not because it's dumb, not because it's naive.
but because it loves. and sometimes, that love is enough to fight again.
sa totoo lang, mahirap na ikaw 'yung laging umiintindi muna when there's anger, pain and doubts. that for now, i can't deal with these emotions just yet, because that's not what the situation needs. i deserve the peace, the clarity, the happiness. and i can't wait to be on that receiving end. na ako naman 'yung kilala, nakakausap, legal.
ako - na nandito all along. na nandito for all these years. na sumasalo at may alam ng sorrows. na totoong nagmamahal at minamahal.
kung ako lang, gustong-gusto ko nang mag-rage. kausapin 'yung tanginang witch to just fcking stop. kung ako lang, gustong-gusto ko nang ipakilala 'yung sarili ko kela tita at ako 'yung kumausap sa kanila. kung ako lang, gustong-gusto ko na 'to matapos lahat at magmahal nang malaya, yung deserve ko.
pero hindi lang ako 'yung kailangan kong isipin. i also need to think about you, fck, even her, and your family. if i wasn't born a warrior and a fighter, i wouldn't be able to endure this much but oh, God, i can't wait to be showered with a love so true that it can conquer all fears. a love that can also endure the hard things for my comfort.
i just wanted to be loved gently and honestly. the kind where one says, 'damn, im so fucking lucky to have her that i'd do anything to keep her.' i just want to be kept.
haaaaay, thank you for surprising me and paying a visit after knowing that i’m having anxious thoughts and needed assurance. instead of lashing out, you went to me and listened. 🥺
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