Looks like we've got some company.

TF2/Emesis Blue AU RP Blog | read pinned‼️ "What the hell is this?" – "Can't be too bad."

[slaughterhousebrothers]

"Whoever let you out, I'm glad they did, cause...I like company."

‎ "...Why does he get to have all the fun?"

𝐟𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐬 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 @𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐭𝟐𝟏𝟖, 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 @𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐲𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐭𝟐𝟏𝟖 | 𝐭𝐟𝟐-𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐜 𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠 𝐚𝐭 @𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐬𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐮𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 | 𝐓𝐅𝟐 𝐑𝐏 𝐁𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐬 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭

LAST UPDATED: July 24, 2026

Hello! Welcome to the blog! My name is Ash (he/him)!

This is an RP blog for Zed Conagher and Maynard Conagher, originally sourced from Emesis Blue, and adapted into an AU variant to fit in with the universe of my other blogs! – Non-selective, so anybody can interact! Other RP blogs are encouraged to stop in! I self RP sometimes if it's funny, don't worry about it.

Unlike my other, canon, character blogs, EVERYTHING here is purely headcanon and me doing what I want. Their personalities are intact, but, that said, nothing that occurs in Emesis Blue has happened here (despite what the images used here may make you think), so don't expect any recognition if you reference those events.

Fair warning, this blog is a bit more likely to go into "trigger warning" material than the other ones, especially when it comes to interactions with Zed. Things will be tagged accordingly if this does manage to happen.

Send in whatever you want. As long as it isn't explicit smut sort of material, I'll answer it. Suggestive stuff is okay, just nothing explicit. "[X] is a bottom" is fair game. Going into detail about it is not. I'm gonna update all of the suggestive stuff to have its own tag so it can be blocked – refer to tag list below. Just because these two are, like...kinda gross, I'm a little more lax here.

To put it simple: Zed's volatile and one sadistic bastard. He's got no filter, he's easily pissed off, and he's one mean son of a bitch. Maynard's no better, but at least he's not prone to going off on you just because you slipped up and said the wrong thing.

Speaking of Maynard, if you catch him while he's drunk, he might say things that some people would consider "inappropriate" and "suggestive" and "not appropriate talk for church". Zed also has a habit of saying inappropriate things if you give him the ammunition. They're both gross and have no filter.

Posts on here can be suggestive. Super explicit stuff gets moved to @freakyrocket218.

Send them asks. As this is a multi-muse blog, please specify who you're interacting with!

TAG LIST:

question? answer. (asks)

another pig to the slaughter (reblog interactions)

we's just talkin' (non-ask post) – note: anything under this tag is an open rp starter!

gotcha (starters) – starters meant for specific persons

done and done (end of thread) – self explanatory

whoa nelly 🔞 – suggestive/inappropriate content; if you're a minor, stay OUT of this tag, please!

USER: Z. Conagher

USER: M. Conagher

unrelated matters (out of character)

Thanks for dropping in! Enjoy the show!

[slaughterhousebrothers]

Eats the cheese off of their heads

Zed, cheeseless, is immune to the effects.

Maynard promptly rares back and headbutts the asker just as hard as he can.

That's gonna hurt.

[slaughterhousebrothers]

Throws a mannequin with a bob wig through their window

That fucker gets tossed right into the trash chute.

[slaughterhousebrothers]

*slaps a slice of cheese on both their heads

Displeased noises come from both of them. Zed pulls his off, and promptly smashes it into Maynard's face. Prick.

[slaughterhousebrothers]

I feel like one of you hated bath time as a kid

"I liked bath time," Zed states. "Meant I got to throw water around. Now, Maynard, on t'other hand..."

Maynard scowls. "Shut up. I thought sharks were gon' get me in the tub."

"Yeah, 'cause you're a fucking dumbass. Can't believe you've survived this long. A dodo's smarter than your sorry ass."

[slaughterhousebrothers]

(A wild cultist throws two ducks at you with angry force)

@meet-the-blu-cultist

Both of them get pelted square in the face by the ducks, a grunt and a yelp coming out of each one respectively.

Displeased.

@meet-the-blu-cultist

[slaughterhousebrothers]

Soo uhh...

Ya like jazz?

Zed grumbles in disagreement, but Maynard perks up.

"I do," he says, reaching over to pluck a few keys on his piano. "I know a few good standards. Or, well, the piano parts, anyways."

[slaughterhousebrothers]

So uhm.. How are the desk engineers? Are those little things Still alive..? I hope..they haven't done mitosis yet ..right?

"Wouldn't you like t'know," Zed replies.

Maynard grunts. "I been watchin' 'em like they's bugs."

Incredible. This provides absolutely zero answers to either of these questions.

[slaughterhousebrothers]

Have you guys always been....Y'know. Evil?

Zed chuckles, smiling. "What you mean, evil? You askin' when we started hurtin' folk? Started takin' people an' showin' 'em the lay o' the land?"

"I think they are, brother," Maynard says, mirroring his brother's crooked grin. "You wanna tell 'em?"

"Fuck yeah I do. Started when we was jus' boys. We'd come up here to Teufort wit' pops 'cause he wanted to show us 'round the base. It were late an' we was playin' in the common room, an' daddy weren't nowhere t'be found. Me an' May decided we was gon' go explore without pa, 'cause we was bored of playin' cards. So, we went outside, started wanderin' around. Now, out wayyy on t'edge of the base was where dad kept his workshop – ol' Chev didn't want 'im makin' a racket while everyone was asleep, 'cause he always did his work at night, so he built himself a shop out where only the coyotes 'n' t'roadrunners could hear 'im."

Maynard lets out a fond laugh. "Good thing birds and coyots don't talk."

"Heh. So, we was goin' out, when we heard screamin' comin' from the shop. Now, we was of course concerned, 'cause it sounded an awful lot like pops, so of course we went over there an' climbed up on some boxes, peeked in through t'window, tryin' to see what was goin' on. Boy, what we saw was nothin' short a' beautiful. An' o' course, we got to have our own fun."

short story below cut! cw // graphic depictions of violence, generally just a wee bit fucked up. I pulled out an actual spanner to figure out if part of this would work

A scream echoes through the old shop, metal colliding with a warm body with a wet thump.

"What you screamin' for, Hoss?" Fred Conagher's voice says, an uncharacteristic venom leaking through his words. He bounces his spanner in his hand as he says, "Thought you was s'posed to be tough. You're a cheap copy of me, ain'tcha?"

His own face peers back up at him, beaten bloody and bruised. A pretty little shiner encapsulates the RED Engineer's left eye, his nose crooked and his lip split.

RED lies on the floor, clutching his aching side – he's sure his skin is bruised and the bone is cracked where the spanner's edge has slammed into his ribs. He twitches, and then he groans, trying to drag himself away.

"Answer me, boy," Fred snaps, crouching down and snatching him up by the collar, dragging him up to his feet and wrenching another scream out of him.

RED chokes out a sob, his legs shaking underneath him. He buries his face in his counterpart's chest, smearing blood over the front of his overalls, hiccuping and choking on his own air.

"I– I can't," he gasps, lifting his gloved hands to cling to the other. "Please, please–"

"Now, I've only had you for a couple days," Fred tells him condescendingly. "Don't ya know? Your sorry ass is mine for a couple weeks while we's on ceasefire for t'holiday. I told you, keep that filthy mug away from my boys, or you're gonna see why folks don't mess with my family."

"C-Couple...weeks..?" the clone asks. "N-No...No, nono, you s-said–"

"Shit, ain't you ever been lied to before?" Fred asks.

"No, no, no...No, pl-please, j-just–" RED breaks down into sobs, clinging harder to his captor, wallowing in false comfort. "Send me back, send me back, please–"

"Aw," the BLU cooes in mock sympathy, lifting his arms to wrap around the clone in a hug. "I know, buddy. You been hurtin' real bad, ain'tcha?"

RED tries to ignore the feeling of the spanner brushing against him, blubbers incoherently against the other man's chest. His face aches, his side burns, and he can feel his heart slamming in his chest. He sucks up the false comfort like a Stockholm-ridden idiot, savoring this brief moment of respite.

Fred grunts, shifting how the spanner rests in his palm. He wedges it in between himself and his clone, finding the RED's hand where it clings to his bloodied shirt. It takes him a minute to get the spanner where he wants it, wedging the clone's hand in the tool's mouth just below the knuckle of his pinky. He tightens it, goes until the spanner's teeth bite down between the bones of RED's hand.

He hears RED's breathing shake, struck uneven by the action. He grabs the spanner by the end of its handle, gripping hard, and he pushes, forcing RED's hand to twist out of place with a loud crack.

RED screams, his sobs coming back full force as Fred rips the wrench away, shoving him to the floor. He watches as the original snatches an old mechanical drill – not one of those newfangled powered ones, but a proper, full-mechanical job – off the bench.

"Open wide, Hoss," Fred says, giving the crank on the side of the drill a spin. "I'm gonna–"

He pauses. RED's glancing towards something. He follows his gaze and he feels his heart drop a little.

"Boys?" he says, panic creeping into his voice despite how he shoots them a withering look. "I thought I told y'all to stay in the main building."

The twins, peering in from an open window, stare like deer in headlights. Neither of them can form words, going silent under the stern gaze of their father.

Fred huffs a sigh, gesturing with his free hand. "Come in here. Now."

The twins are quick to obey, shuffling down from their perch. After a few moments, they stand in the workshop, glancing between their father standing there clutching an old drill, and his double lying in a bloodied mess on the floor, his hand mangled by the BLU's spanner.

"Now, look," Fred says, kneeling down to be at their level, "I know this looks a bit frightenin', but sometimes, your pa has to–"

"Can I try?" a small voice interrupts.

"Wh-What?" Fred stammers, turning to look at Zed, uncertain if he'd heard correctly.

"I...I wanna try the drill," Zed says, pointing towards the tool.

Maynard hesitates, before nodding in agreement. "M-Me too," he says quietly. "Or the...the wrench. I like the wrench."

Fred glances between his tools, and then back at the RED staring at him wide-eyed.

The RED starts, "Y-You sick bastard, surely–"

"Shut up," Fred snaps, turning back to the twins. "You really want to give it a go, boys?"

"Yeah!" Zed says happily. "You can teach us! Then I can deal with the stupid lardass bullying May-May!"

Fred laughs. "Now, Zed, don't call folks nasty things like 'lardass', that ain't how we operate." He hums, his tension all but gone. "Just once, alright? Then you boys gotta get off to bed, else you're gon' be all crabby in t'mornin' an' I can't show you around."

"Okay!" the twins chirp in unison.

RED lies curled up on the floor, his breath ragged, as that little devil approaches with that damn instrument of torture in his hand. He pleads, "No, no, no–!!" until Fred forces his jaw open, guiding the drill bit to rest against one of his teeth.

"Don't drill too deep, now, son," Fred says softly. "I still got more time to spend wit' this fella."

"Okay, daddy," Zed replies, struggling to hold up the heavy tool.

Set to the underscore of RED's screams, a father has bonding time with his sons, chattering away about their plans for tomorrow and how they'll spend the rest of the ceasefire.

[featheryheaven]

Knock, knock.

"Well, well, what have we here?" a ragged, Southern drawl asks. "Got ourselves a sittin' duck."

A drunken chuckle, followed by a second voice, "Looks that way. What you doin' out here like that, bud? Someone might want t'cause trouble for ya."

It does not matter if you are able-bodied or otherwise, for all people bleed and scream the same to the Conagher Twins.

@slaughterhousebrothers // as someone who is also NOT able-bodied bc marching band fucked my joints, I think if greasy ass Zed Conagher and his fuckass brother walked into my room, I'd just start crying immediately 💀 so sorry Gunner, godspeed

“What?”

(Gunner just looks confused and aggravated.)

“I’m not a sitting duck!”

(He shouts defensively.)

@slaughterhousebrothers (in case tumblr didn’t notify you and i forgot to ping you when i got this sorry)

[slaughterhousebrothers]

"Sure looks like ya are," Zed says, lighting up a cigarette.

Maynard approaches, reaching out and, without hesitation, seizing Gunner by his collar, lifting him up off his seat slightly. "'S funny we came across you. We was just lookin' for some good fun."

"Yeah, I was gonna introduce Maynard to that Scout that I beat the shit out of, but I think somethin' fresh might be a bit better. Though, I don't know if I wanna deal wit' already chewed up meat..."

"Naw, I reckon he's still good," Maynard says, looking at Gunner a bit like a lion does an antelope. "Maybe you can get some new teeth from 'im."

[featheryheaven]

(Gunner tenses up as Maynard grabs him by the collar. His bold irritation is very quickly replaced by terror.)

“H-Hey, let go of me! I’m no good! Seriously!”

(He immediately tries to negotiate, trying to pull Maynard’s arm off.)

[slaughterhousebrothers]

"Heh. I'm sure you are."

When it comes to moving Maynard's arm, one would have better luck trying to move a house. The Texan's arm doesn't even budge – if anything, his grip gets tighter, that sleazy grin still on his face.

"Hey, brother," he says. "I think he's scared."

"What, already?" Zed approaches, now, his hand resting on the drill that hangs off his belt, hanging on the opposite side from his gun holster. Not making that mistake again. "We ain't even done nothin' yet." He reaches out with his gloved hand, condescendingly patting Gunner on the head. There's a weight to it, the heft of metal concealed behind rubber. "That right? You scared, boy?"

[featheryheaven]

(Which, Gunner was never the type to admit fear. But what does he even do here? What would he get out of lying? What would he get out of honesty, either? It just seems like a one way road to him.)

“..yes.”

(He meekly admits, sweating.)

[slaughterhousebrothers]

That earns a laugh from both of the twins, both of them looking like you'd just told them the secrets of the universe.

"What for, pardner?" Maynard asks, his own gloved hand – his left, notably – coming around to rest at Gunner's neck. The machinery underneath clicks and whirrs as his grip tightens just enough to choke. "You think somethin' bad's gonna happen to ya?"

"Careful, May," Zed warns. "Last time you pulled a trick, you ripped the poor bastard's throat out 'fore I could have my turn, you fat fucking ape."

"Naw, I fixed that li'l bug," Maynard replies, disregarding the insults. "Now I'll only crush throats that I wanna crush."

"You'd better."

[slaughterhousebrothers]

*Shakily offers a plushie

Zed ignores it, but Maynard seems to appreciate it, gingerly scooping it into his hands.

"What's this?" he asks. "Li'l gift for us?"

"Yeah, a fuckin' kid's toy," Zed grumbles.

"I think it's kinda cute," Maynard retorts. "And I think you do, too. 'Sides, which one o' us always begged pa for new stuffed animals whenever he went out shoppin'? Weren't me."

Zed stammers, "I– You– ...Shut up."

[featheryheaven]

Knock, knock.

"Well, well, what have we here?" a ragged, Southern drawl asks. "Got ourselves a sittin' duck."

A drunken chuckle, followed by a second voice, "Looks that way. What you doin' out here like that, bud? Someone might want t'cause trouble for ya."

It does not matter if you are able-bodied or otherwise, for all people bleed and scream the same to the Conagher Twins.

@slaughterhousebrothers // as someone who is also NOT able-bodied bc marching band fucked my joints, I think if greasy ass Zed Conagher and his fuckass brother walked into my room, I'd just start crying immediately 💀 so sorry Gunner, godspeed

“What?”

(Gunner just looks confused and aggravated.)

“I’m not a sitting duck!”

(He shouts defensively.)

@slaughterhousebrothers (in case tumblr didn’t notify you and i forgot to ping you when i got this sorry)

[slaughterhousebrothers]

"Sure looks like ya are," Zed says, lighting up a cigarette.

Maynard approaches, reaching out and, without hesitation, seizing Gunner by his collar, lifting him up off his seat slightly. "'S funny we came across you. We was just lookin' for some good fun."

"Yeah, I was gonna introduce Maynard to that Scout that I beat the shit out of, but I think somethin' fresh might be a bit better. Though, I don't know if I wanna deal wit' already chewed up meat..."

"Naw, I reckon he's still good," Maynard says, looking at Gunner a bit like a lion does an antelope. "Maybe you can get some new teeth from 'im."

[featheryheaven]

(Gunner tenses up as Maynard grabs him by the collar. His bold irritation is very quickly replaced by terror.)

“H-Hey, let go of me! I’m no good! Seriously!”

(He immediately tries to negotiate, trying to pull Maynard’s arm off.)

[slaughterhousebrothers]

"Heh. I'm sure you are."

When it comes to moving Maynard's arm, one would have better luck trying to move a house. The Texan's arm doesn't even budge – if anything, his grip gets tighter, that sleazy grin still on his face.

"Hey, brother," he says. "I think he's scared."

"What, already?" Zed approaches, now, his hand resting on the drill that hangs off his belt, hanging on the opposite side from his gun holster. Not making that mistake again. "We ain't even done nothin' yet." He reaches out with his gloved hand, condescendingly patting Gunner on the head. There's a weight to it, the heft of metal concealed behind rubber. "That right? You scared, boy?"

[featheryheaven]

Knock, knock.

"Well, well, what have we here?" a ragged, Southern drawl asks. "Got ourselves a sittin' duck."

A drunken chuckle, followed by a second voice, "Looks that way. What you doin' out here like that, bud? Someone might want t'cause trouble for ya."

It does not matter if you are able-bodied or otherwise, for all people bleed and scream the same to the Conagher Twins.

@slaughterhousebrothers // as someone who is also NOT able-bodied bc marching band fucked my joints, I think if greasy ass Zed Conagher and his fuckass brother walked into my room, I'd just start crying immediately 💀 so sorry Gunner, godspeed

“What?”

(Gunner just looks confused and aggravated.)

“I’m not a sitting duck!”

(He shouts defensively.)

@slaughterhousebrothers (in case tumblr didn’t notify you and i forgot to ping you when i got this sorry)

[slaughterhousebrothers]

"Sure looks like ya are," Zed says, lighting up a cigarette.

Maynard approaches, reaching out and, without hesitation, seizing Gunner by his collar, lifting him up off his seat slightly. "'S funny we came across you. We was just lookin' for some good fun."

"Yeah, I was gonna introduce Maynard to that Scout that I beat the shit out of, but I think somethin' fresh might be a bit better. Though, I don't know if I wanna deal wit' already chewed up meat..."

"Naw, I reckon he's still good," Maynard says, looking at Gunner a bit like a lion does an antelope. "Maybe you can get some new teeth from 'im."

[slaughterhousebrothers]

OOC // Shoutout to the anon in my inbox rn that's getting a whole ass short story for a response ✌️ you unlocked the gateway

[slaughterhousebrothers]

okay Maynard we know you like guys! So when you're with a guy, are you like.....in charge? or....

cw // suggestive

"Wouldn't you like to know," Maynard states. "Kinda a nosy question, I reckon. You bankin' on findin' out, sweetpea?"

Eugh.

🔞

[slaughterhousebrothers]

*pets Zed with a broom like im afraid a bomb will go off

There there..

cw // implied nicotine addiction + withdrawl

"Fuck off!" Zed snaps, his voice breaking. Jesus, y'all fucked him up. "Fuck off, fuck you! Fuck you!"

Maynard scampers over to curl an arm around him. "Easy, brother, easy, 's alright! Just ignore 'em."

"May-May," Zed mumbles. "I miss pops."

"Yeah, I know," Maynard replies. "Me, too. You want a smoke? Might help ya out a bit. You ain't had one in a bit, I think with this on top, it's fuckin' with ya. 'Sides that, you've been all fucked up all day."

"Ugh, yeah–"

Maynard passes Zed a cigarette. Zed lights it, before taking a drag on it and exhaling with a heavy sigh.

"Fuck, I needed that," he rasps. "Thanks."

[slaughterhousebrothers]

*Tosses a wet rag on Zed's face

Dry your tears

Before the rag lands, Maynard cuts in, swatting it out of the air with his left hand.

"Go get a life," he tells the asker. "You poke an open sore an' then you act like you're high 'n' mighty? That's my fucking brother. I ain't gon' let you shit all over him like that."

Top ten conversation topics that cause instant tension, number one: their dad, apparently.