It takes an achingly lonely person to produce a whirlpool as destructive as this type of illness. Your eating disorder saved your life in many ways because it helped you get through the unspeakable. It helped you deal with lifeās curveballs and kept you company when you couldnāt trust anyone else. In your eating disorderās current absence, you might feel lonelier than ever. That is okay. With that being said, the comfort your eating disorder gave you came at a heavy price. You were more isolated than you ever have been because it wasnāt safe to let anyone close. You were so hungry and weak that you were counting down the minutes until your day would be over. You couldnāt focus. How could you? You were starving your body. Every waking moment was about food. Every morning was about the scale, the laxatives, the coffee, and the diet coke. Darling, that is no way for anyone to live. Remember how frantic it felt? Remember when you wished the pain of it all would finally stop your heart in your sleep? Or when you wished you would be the victim of some freak accident? Anything that would put an end to your life so you wouldnāt have to do it at your own hands and cause your loved ones even more pain. All they ever wanted was for you to be happy and it was the one thing you werenāt able to be. I am not bringing up all of these memories to upset you. I am bringing them up because I know things feel impossible right now, and I want to remind you that you deserve a life that is so much more any of this darkness.
You deserve more than dedicating your lifeās work to losing weight. You deserve more than hiding your scale under your mattress, lying about how many miles you ran, and repeating you were fine so many times that it didnāt even sound like a word anymore. You deserve a future that is every bit as filled with the light and potential everyone around you believed you would have. Not because you are required to meet anyone elseās expectations, but because happiness was something you once wanted, too. You deserve more than having to be in treatment centers and family support groups year after year. You deserve gadgets and gizmos a plenty, whozits and whatzits galore.
We most likely havenāt met, but I know that girl with natural talent and big dreams of the shore above is still in you. These are not the kind of gifts that diminish, no matter how small you ever attempted to make yourself. The ways you chose to cope with what happened to you do not make you a bad person, and your heartbeat makes this universe more beautiful. It is okay if you donāt believe any of this right now. All I know is that running back to what broke you apart isnāt the answer. Flipping those fins only got you so far. Despite the purpose your disorder once served, you need to keep swimming upwards. I know each stroke is exhausting, but I promise I will continue in that direction, too. I know in my heart there is something better up where they walk, run, and stay all day in the sun, wandering free. You have more than three days, and your sun hasnāt set. Donāt for one second forget you deserve to be part of that world.
ellievsbear
germansingergirl
turnnoffyourmind
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
stormborns
