[She would never have described him as seductive, but Charlotte found herself hiding a sudden blush that exploded over her face under the jacket she'd stolen from him. The sheer intensity of the love Kendo was projecting through his eyes, sitting there leaning towards her, still shirtless and slightly flushed...
He was definitely not doing that on purpose, and that made it worse.
But the problem remained now: how to answer him? She liked him, and at times she certainly felt like she loved him, but she didn't always feel like it. He seemed to feel it all the time, whereas she was hot and cold, on and off, in every infuriating way possible. Right now, she liked the closeness, but did she love him? And even if she did, was it fair to him?
"You worry that you are incapable of love, and thus, do not know what it feels like. Yet, when put into a situation such as this, where your easiest option is to reject him and close yourself off completely, you do the harder thing instead."
Eugene's words from that rainy evening at Orbitz came echoing back from Charlotte's memory. It was true... She'd thought about this before, and he'd helped her realize that her love wasn't a feeling, it was in her actions, and even now her desire to do what was best for Kendo proved that she still loved him.
"In the end, loving him was letting me go. Giving him what he needed so much... that was the point."
She had said that, hadn't she. But what about what she needed? ... What did she need?
... A reason to live, and someone to give a damn.
Containing the Serpent had been her only reason to live for years.... but even that hadn't been reason enough to care about herself. Eugene gave a damn about her existence, about her experiences, but he wasn't the kind of friend who gave her a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Kendo, though? He'd been reason enough to care. Every time he caught her doing the simple things to maintain herself, he'd give her that sweet smile. Sometimes he'd thank her for looking out for herself, other times he'd tell her he was proud of her for it. He seemed to understand that caring about herself was a special kind of struggle, and he acknowledged the effort it took some days.
A reason to live, and someone to give a damn. Kendo gave her both. She could probably find them elsewhere... but why look elsewhere when she had it all and more right here?
"It's not about me anymore. He's about me. And I'm about him."
How easily she said things like that when he wasn't around... But those words reflected her true heart on the subject.
He was good for her. He was good to her. And no matter what she did, somehow she made him happy enough to want her.
"I care only that you love my son, and you give each other a good life, whatever that becomes in the future."
Even the Empress thought they were a good pair, in spite of everything she'd done. Even though Kendo was a prince, and had expectations and responsibilities placed on him accordingly, the Empress still thought Charlotte was good for him.
... Kendo made a fantastic prince, but he needed support, someone who had his back. Someone who could be tough when he was too gentle, or safe when he needed somewhere to rest.
Charlotte needed someone who cared, who gave her a reason to keep fighting... and a home.
Home. The idea of even being allowed that again made her eyes sting, and she pulled the jacket up over her head to hide the sudden tears. When she finally spoke, her voice trembled despite her attempts to keep it steady.]
... What if I run again? It's not enough that I come back... I shouldn't be running in the first place, but I feel like I can't help it... What if you need me and I'm not there? What if....
[... I'm good, but not good enough?...]
