I’ve been loving myself after hating myself.
Let’s slow that down, because you and I, like most people rush through things nowadays to see, process, and move onto the next bit of information scrolling past on our phones.
I have been loving myself after hating myself.
The structure of the sentence plays a chicken or the egg question game with me as I sit here. I had to have hated myself so as to now love myself. Or did loving myself, then hating myself then loving myself once more happen.
I wasn’t born hating myself. I was not a teenager hating myself. I wasn’t even a woman in the majority of my 20s hating myself.
I actively did not love myself for about 2 years. I hated myself on and off for that time, as all of the things I never dealt with crashed into me like a wave. Instead of knowing what to do, I moved forward as one did, as one must as everything seems to be crumbling down around you.
Now, mind you minding me, I mean this in clear terms that my morals, emotions, feelings, relationships, friendships, job… in essence MY LIFE, was changing in a clear way that told me how I was coping with those previously mentioned things (MY LIFE), in an flawed way. Some harsher language (be honest with yourself) in an immature and unhealthy way, self sabotaging and selfish all at once.
Not to worry, no perfection here. I still cope with all of my life with a haphazardness that only some can admire, for their merit lies only in future storytelling and little else.
So, let’s assume that I loved myself unconditionally for the majority of my life. After such a stark contrast for those terrible two years, I had to set up some conditions for myself in order to start loving myself again. Conditional love as a means to jump start unconditional love.
Understanding that I am not able to do everything, or even put on the veil or mask of doing everything seemed like the first step. I am flawed, that doesn’t mean I don’t stop acknowledging those flaws or working make them less severe, or learning how to use them to my advantage. For example, to know when to ask others for help. Something I rarely do, as some of you know.
Understanding and accepting that a lot of people will be in your life and the majority of those people will leave, with ease and take pieces of you with them unapologetically. Until most of the time, you are left with an unease around new people, to the point that you push your extrovertedness to compensate for the lack of authentic human connection, that otherwise you might have achieved. People will leave, it doesn’t mean everyone will.
Forgiving myself, actively, each day for my past mistakes and asking myself not to make them again. Accountability to myself, because who the hell else is accountable to me, if not ME?
Allowing myself to carry emotions around, unapologetically, and express them unapologetically because sadness, anger and joy are only finely separated from one another, and there is a beauty in that. I do not have to have the same reactions that anyone else does. Does this mean I can draw attention to myself in an attempt to validate my feelings? Not my jam, but I have done it and felt such relief that others understood and helped me, however it’s not sustainable.
Understanding that learning experiences are catered directly to people by the universe, or whatever sort of power you believe in. See, look there is an example. I do not need to have one definition of a higher power. My understanding is no better nor worse than yours. Including the idea that my perspectives and experiences, in general do not make me a better person than you. Nor do yours make you better than me. It is how you actually apply your perspectives and experiences in life, with intention and purpose for a “good” life. Good being you know not easily defined, but just don’t fucking hurt other living things. Don’t. That right there is a pretty good fucking start.
I am loving myself again after hating myself.
I love myself. I like the person I am each morning when I wake up, the imperfectness of me, the flaws, the capabilities, the potential. All this fucking potential.
