let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
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almost home
Today's Document
if i look back, i am lost
YOU ARE THE REASON
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
noise dept.
Love Begins
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
we're not kids anymore.
One Nice Bug Per Day
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
KIROKAZE
⁂
tannertan36
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Monterey Bay Aquarium
Jules of Nature
oozey mess
seen from Moldova
seen from Germany
seen from Türkiye
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United Kingdom
seen from India
seen from Türkiye
seen from Malaysia
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Norway
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Spain
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from South Korea
seen from Malaysia
@slightlysally
//he doesn’t bother turning the light on, stripping down to his shorts and climbing into his side of the bed
//She still doesn't move, and her eyes flutter shut as she speaks one last time.
I love you. So much.
//And with that, she falls asleep, confused and drunk and sad.
//he smoked the cigarette down the filter, then stomped the butt out, returning to the bedroom feeling far more relaxed
//She keeps her eyes locked on the far wall of the bedroom instead of turning to look at Ray, sinking further into the pillows.
//he hurried out to the back porch and lit up, puffing slowly
//She wraps herself in the blanket, sighing and trying her hardest not to fall asleep until he got back.
okay…i was going to step out and have a smoke…i’ll be back.
//She nods slightly, slipping under the duvet and sighing.
i know...it's all right...
//he rose from the bed slowly
I...you don't...
You can stay here if you want.
my love for you doesn’t exist in a vacuum…even when i was with her…
//he halted his sentence, paused, and thought over his words
i know you don’t know how this is going to work…and i don’t really know either…but there’s got to be some momentum here or we’re going to be stuck in this rut for another eight months.
//She doesn't speak for a few moments, and when she does, it's unsure sounding and broken sounding and Sally really just can't take any more of this right now.
I can't do this right now. I can't be drunk for this conversation. And I'm tired and I'm stressed out and I just need to go to bed.
//Ray blinked at her.
i don’t….expect you to just get over it.
//he was quite surprised to hear the solidity of his voice, for he had started to tremble involuntarily
look…..Sally…you’ve been ill at ease the moment you let me back in this house. and eight months later you still have’ta get piss drunk to cope…so…if this is how it’s going to be, i’m not going to stay….each day i only seem to twist the knife further. i don’t want to hurt you anymore but i just don’t know how to kill your sadness……..you’re an extraordinary person and i love you…but why put up with me if even my mere presence makes you want to hit the bottle? why do that to yourself?
//he cleared his throat
the property, the house and nearly everything in it is legally yours…we can…figure something out with Rosie…
//Her head starts pounding, and through the drunkeness blurring her thoughts that's an impressive feat.
I'm not...I don't... //She groans, dropping her head into her hands.
It doesn't matter, Ray. Whether you're here, whether you're not here, it's all the same. I'd drink either way and I'd be sad either way and why put myself through letting you go if I'm not even sure that's what I want?
You're right in that I haven't necessarily been at ease in the norm, but that doesn't mean that everything's been shit. Obviously it hasn't if this is the first time we're having a conversation going this deep into it. I love you, and that's what this is all about. I fucking love you. I am in love with you. I am sad and I am hurt and I want to drink because I love you but I feel like I am alone in this, not because I think you're lying now but because you had the balls to tell me you loved me and then go fuck somebody else. And that's just too much.
I don't know how this is supposed to work, alright? Maybe it's just me being an idiot and harping on something that just shouldn't fucking matter anymore, but when it comes down to it I didn't bring a child into the world with you because I thought we were going to split up.
//Her voice lowers a bit, sadly, like she's guilty even talking about it and her head still hurts and she's just so done with living in her own head.
Had I thought we were done for back then, I promise she wouldn't exist right now.
//he brings her to the bedroom and sits down on the bed, continuing to hold her in this silent way.
//She feels them drop onto the bed, and she takes a few moments before crawling out of his grasp. It may hurt, but she just can't right now. She sits down in her typical spot on the bed, being cautious to keep her voice low in fear of waking up the baby yet again. She sniffles, finally responding to Ray's explanation. Her voice sounds wrecked and she really just doesn't care anymore.
You have to understand that even though the affair wasn't romantic or emotional or whatever for you, that it was emotional for me. I'm not stupid, Ray, I was never stupid. I had a hunch for a while that something was going on but I just never had the proof to confirm it until I called Mick that night and he told me he hasn't seen you in weeks. And you have to understand that you can't just...I've had so many people use me and screw me over and treat me like shit and then you came along and everything seemed so much different and I thought that maybe life wouldn't be so horrible anymore. But you go and you sleep with some girl that you hardly knew over me when I would've literally done anything for you and then expect me to just...to just get over that like I'm a child who's fallen off a bicycle.
And you can't say that I haven't tried because I have. I have tried so hard to fix this. But it's not...I can't...I don't know how to fix this, because maybe I don't feel like this can be fixed. And I'm sorry if that hurts and it might be harsh but I feel like I'm drowning in my own head and I don't have time or the brain capacity right now or ever to sugarcoat everything and act like I am just as happy as I was this time last year. Because I can't lie like that.
Not everyone can lie like that.
//without a word, he scooped her up in his arms and headed up the stairs with her
//Sally is confused, at first, but then she sees Ray and her eyes are still red from crying and oh god she hates looking like she's crying so she nuzzles into his shoulder.
//after a moment or two, he rises and makes his way down the stairs. he makes his way back to the living room, noticing Georgie first who was laid out on the couch, legs tucked beneath him, looking like a large loaf of bread. his attention soon turns to the ball o’ Sally on the rug.
//She doesn't notice him, which isn't surprising in her current state of mind, too busy staring at the carpeting below her.
//he blew a strand a hair out of his face, feeling that, at any moment, he might scream.
//She curls into a ball on the floor. An unmoving ball.
//he shifted emptily back to the bed and fell onto it for the fourth time this evening.
//Sally tries to get up off the couch, really, she does, but she finds that her body refuses to move, as if her brain and her limbs just aren't connected anymore. She manages to stand up at first, still shaking, and it isn't until she reaches the edge of the living room that she stumbles onto the floor. Whether it's from the drinking or the crying, she's not sure, but she doesn't make another effort to move.
//he was at a loss, staring vacantly at his own reflection. what was left for him? what was he to do?
//She tries to compose herself, almost impossibly, and eventually breaks into les mis sits up, wiping at her eyes and sniffling. She's still shaking and she doesn't know how to stop that part, but she just wants this all to end.
//he gracelessly slid off the bed and onto the floor, sure he’d never again be at ease with himself. if he wanted, Ray too could drink heavily and get out of his skull, but that all never made it much better really. he did have reasonable control over his booze intake, earning him this clean-living image that seemed anomalous in the rock star’s world in which he supposedly belonged to. not that any of it mattered. he groaned and closed his eyes, beginning to feel the water puddle up behind the lids.
for fucks sake…
//he stood blearily and made his way to the bathroom, splashing water in his face. what a terrible, terrible day, he thought. what a terrible, terrible 8 months—only four shy from making it a terrible, terrible year. Ray was, if nothing else, exasperated by all of this. for he loved Sally dearly, but wondered how long her disdain would last, wondered if she’d ever truly trust him again.
//Sally can't really understand what's going on; she's too drunk to fully grasp the whole of the situation, and in the end that's probably for the best. She can't help feeling like maybe this was a mistake, and everything was a mistake, and that maybe she should've never broke into an aquarium almost two years ago with, and maybe she shouldn't have kissed him or let him stay with her or married him. Maybe she just shouldn't have.
Although then she cries even harder because she can't possibly imagine that what she would be doing without him would be remotely any better than what's happening now.
//he hears her, but knew his comfort would be near meaningless right now and sulked back to the bedroom. he flopped onto the bed.
//Georgie seems to hear her commotion, coming and hopping up onto the sofa next to her, and Sally drops her head into his fur, sobbing harder than before.
And it's because the situation is beyond familiar; crying, drunk, curled into her giant-ass mammoth dog, all while being basically alone.
Which sucked, because she wasn't alone. Ray was there, he existed, but somehow she felt as though that wasn't enough. He was there, but he'd been there the entire time that he'd cheated on her, too, and look where that had ended up.
Georgie doesn't even react to her, like he knows. It had happened so many times in January that even now, eight months later, it was just commonplace.
//he nodded and stood even before she had finished her sentence, knowing exactly where it was going. he retreated up the stairs with his tail between his legs.
//She waits until she thinks he's out of earshot, and then she starts crying.
//Ray swallowed and shifted a second time. this story under normal circumstances would have given Ray the creeping horrors to tell, but these, nonetheless, were not normal circumstances.
….i met Rasa at one of Mick’s house parties…and to be blunt, i couldn’t tell you any thing about her aside from the fact that she was Lithuanian, and very happy to be out of Lithuania…it was also my understanding that she was a huge Kinks fan and an even bigger fan of mine and all that…sort of got to my head. not sort of…actually…i’m ashamed to admit it, but my ego really did get the best of me…i mean…i didn’t even know her last name. why she was here in America, who she was staying with. and i never asked either…all she ever wanted to do was drink and talk about was the Kinks and my music, and that was all well right with me…the ban made me kind if stir-crazy…all the media outlets were saying we were just another band destined to fade out, that i had wrote my last commercial hit in ‘64 and umm…it was nice…to have someone who blindly challenged all that…i guess…i can’t really say for sure…i was so bleeding drunk most of the time…
//he cleared his throat
the sex was never premeditated…i never thought going into this that we would…i know that doesn’t make it any better. the one thing i really want you to understand was that i was a total prick to her. i was so shitty and she just…let me treat her that way…she was so starstruck by the idea of being near someone famous, it didn’t seem to matter…what i’m really trying to get at was this wasn’t an affair in the romantic sense…she was terrible for me, and i was terrible for her. the whole thing was about power and my fragile ego. i’m an idiot. i’m sorry.
//The story had sobered her up just a bit, but not enough to the point where'd she would remember anything more than fragments of what he'd just told her, and while that made her feel sort of bad it was a mild relief to her. She didn't want to remember this entire story.
It takes her a few minutes to try and wrap her head around the words, and she feels like she's drowning in her own emotions all over again. She stares straight down at the sofa cushions, head in her hands, and when she finds that all of this is a bigger task than she can handle in the typical social constraints of time it should take to respond to a conversation, she makes an excuse.
You should...you should go check on Rosie or somethin'. I need a few minutes.
