Hey guys, been a while.
I got better for the most part, for a while, but the more things change the more they stay the same. I was locked out of this account for the longest and I finally found my old passwords so here I am.
I want to be honest, I'm not looking for validation on this. I just want somewhere to document what I'm going through. I don't want anyone to see what I'm doing as a means for admiration but as a warning. Sometimes this kinda shit sticks with you well into adulthood, and as bad as it is, we have our good days and bad ones.
This is just for me.
It stopped being a conscious effort, I'm not counting cals or purging anymore. Instead, I'm forgetting to eat, forgetting to drink. I hyper-fixate on the contaminants in our food, the pesticides on the produce and chemicals in our ingredients. It started with me wanting to only eat things that will nourish me. "Locally sourced" and whatever. I fell down the ingredient hole and discovered what maltodextrin does to our bodies, and how even in "0cal" sweeteners it's there. Silent calories. "Regulated food" is such a fucking joke in America.
For a while I drank a lot, until it stopped being fun and felt more like it was killing my body. Useless empty calories anyway. My only vice now is nicotine, which is great for a relapsing rexie. My house is stocked with white tea and local honey. Sometimes all I eat is a cookie and a salad, then feel confused when I almost pass out from standing.
I'm not even trying to do it anymore, that's the fucked up thing... but I weighed in yesterday at 103lbs and my heart just dropped through my chest. I was always in the 90s range, and seeing triple digits on the scale was a lot for me. I know it's not that much, I know it's still really light for someone my age, even for my height. I know there's other people who look great at heavier weights than me, but to me personally? For someone who has always been under that? It was a lot.
I hate having a scale in the house, but my partner needs it. I try not to use it, but it sits in the back of my mind constantly.
After seeing that number, I've noticed all the little ways I've carried it. The way my thighs are starting to touch when I walk, the jiggle in my arms when I brush my teeth.
I want to create a new way of balancing my suffering and health. Instead of going all in, one or the other, I'll find the line between the two. Keeping the count low, but only eating things that nourish me. Healthy fats, proteins, and the like. My fear foods are calories without purpose.
Sorry for the rant.
TLDR; I'm back in the thin of it, I hate American food, don't do what I do.
Good to be back
Xoxo
