also, the main reason nonviolent parenting styles havenât worked isnât because you need violence to parent, itâs because the various methods never actually address the problem.
we have this weird idea that consequences are the best deterrent to bad behavior, but that simply isnât true. If consequences- be it spanking, a time out, losing your video games, going to jail, etc- are the ONLY THING keeping you from doing something bad, youâll more than likely do it if you think you can get away with it. or, alternatively, youâll be so afraid of consequences that youâll be mentally incapacitated at the slightest hint that someone is upset with you, killing your social life and any chance to learn the skills you need to handle that situation.
what actually stops being from misbehaving is understanding WHY they shouldnât do something. and âmy house, my rulesâ doesnât cut it as a reason; there needs to be an understandable reason. sometimes itâs an inherent consequence; you canât put a cookie in the ps2 because then the ps2 breaks and you canât play video games anymore. sometimes itâs a moral reason; you canât hit your sister because it hurts her and makes her upset. sometimes itâs a social reason; grandma will think youâre rude if you drop a hard boiled egg in her water glass.
you need to actually talk to your kid and help them understand these things with whatever level of reasoning they have. and if theyâre too young to be reasoned with, theyâre too young to understand why youâre hurting them.
another issue is that many times, the child does understand why they need to be better, but theyâre unable to. bad grades are a huge example of this. getting spanked for a bad grade never made me do better, it just made me cry so hard i choked every time i got anything below a C. it took until highschool, with no help from my parents or teachers, to realize that the reason i was failing was because i had memory problems, and it took another year to figure out how to remember better. if my dad had sat down and taught me some ways to remember better instead of putting me over his knee, i would have been doing much better.
and this may surprise you, but the reason weâre finally understanding that spanking DOESNâT benefit kids is because weâre finally looking at them as people, not pets or property. child psychology is about understanding that this is a human being with all the same capacity for feelings that you have, maybe even more, and not nearly enough resources to express them. children arenât little monsters that need to be herded and corralled and trained. theyâre very tiny, very confused people, and itâs our responsibility to teach them how life works.
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