Your Love is a Threat, and Iām Nauseous | Natasha Romanoff
Authorās notes: hiiii! this is my second time writing a fic so i hope itās good. i might make this into a few parts since thereās many perspectives i need to write. if you have any requests, let me know. constructive criticism and suggestions are welcome, but donāt hate or be rude or you will be blocked. this includes any homophobia, racism, transphobia, or anything that involves hating a person or group of people. this is a safe, welcome space for all, so no hate will be tolerated.
Warnings: internalized homophobia (nat & steve), allusions to smut, actual smut (brief and loosely detailed), cursing, use of āfaggotā, ādykeā, and āqueerā in flashbacks. reader is described as a lesbian, but change it to whatever label you would like that is wlw.
if anything was missed, let me know to add. these warnings will be scattered throughout each part, so some of them probably wonāt be in this part of the series. iāll add links to each part as i continue to write them.
Natasha didnāt know how she ended up here. You were never supposed to fall in love with her. This was just something casual to her, something to distract her. She knew you were out and proud about being a lesbian, and that was just fine. But that just wasnāt her. But here you were, lying there next to her like an idiot and staring at her like she owed you an āI love youā back.
Natasha swung her legs over the side of the bed, standing up and grabbing her clothes from the floor, pulling them on. āI think you need to go,ā she said, her gaze refusing to meet yours. She felt your hurt the second she said it, even saw it from the corner of her eye as you sat up and grabbed your clothes as well, though making no move to leave.
āWhat?ā
āYou heard me. You need to go.ā
āTasha, I just told you I loved you.ā You said, as if hoping that repeating it would make her change her mind.
Natasha huffed in annoyance, still avoiding your gaze. āAnd Iām telling you to go. Is that so hard to grasp?ā She pulled her shirt over her head before finally meeting your eyes. They were filled with a raw pain that made her wish she hadnāt looked up.
āWell Iām not going without an explanation. I thought we wereāā
āYou thought wrong.ā She interrupted, not wanting to back down now. āWeāre nothing special. This was casual. I donāt evenā¦ā She trailed off a second, not wanting to say anything that implied she could possibly beā¦ No, stop thinking. She eventually settled on, āIām not like that.ā
She watched as your face fell further. She had to stop herself from apologizing and pulling you into her arms like she usually would. If she did that now, it would contradict her current words and make it look like she cared. She just had to stand there and watch confusion war in your head.
āYouāre not like āthat?ā What is āthatā supposed to mean?ā You accused, your eyes hardening as her words sank in.
āYou knowā¦ likeā¦ like youā¦ā She muttered, biting the inside of her cheek. She was usually so confident, so sure of herself. But now, she felt like she was under interrogation, not like what she was used to while being a spy. This felt different somehow.
You huffed in confusion and shock at her words. She said she wasnāt ālike you.ā She couldnāt even say the word ālesbian,ā as if it was some kind of curse. You couldnāt wrap your head around the fact that she called this whole thing ācasual.ā There was nothing casual about the way you both snuck around like teenagers when the Avengers werenāt looking. The stolen glances, the kisses snuck in the corners of the tower, the way you both lay there after sex in each otherās arms. How could Natasha do all of that and say she didnāt like girls?
āWait, wait, wait. What the fuck?ā You started, a small scoff leaving your lips as you stood up and pulled on your own clothes. āYouāre telling me that after all ofā¦ thisā¦ā You gestured around the room and between the two of you. āAll of this sneaking around and treating each other like a couple, youāre saying you donāt even like girls at all? That you just led me on?ā
Natasha hesitated, not knowing what to say, how to defend herself. She had no logical explanation for her words. She knew that everyone knew you were seeing someone, but they didnāt know it was her that you were seeing. She had no choice but to agree.
āā¦Yes.ā She muttered sheepishly. āI led you on, and Iām sorry.ā She ran her hands through her hair, looking away from you again.
You felt your heart sink at her words. You didnāt think she would actually say that. It hurt to actually hear it. āWow.ā You said, no emotion in your tone. āOkay.ā You pulled your pants on quickly, wanting to leave the room as soon as possible. āThatās probably the shittiest thing youāve ever done, Tasha.ā
Natasha said nothing else, honestly not even knowing what she could say. She was a shitty person and she knew it. There was no dancing around that. Sheās hurt too many people to say otherwise.
She watched you grab your stuff and leave the room with the slam of the door, but not before hearing a sob escape you when you thought the slam drowned it out. Once she was sure you were gone, she sat back on the bed, her hands folded in front of her. A million thoughts ran through her head, and she couldnāt get them to stop. But the one thing that remained constant was that nagging voice in her head, calling her any slur that came to her head that sheās heard people like you be called. Nothing could stop the thoughts, and she refused to cry, just sitting there with heavy breaths and heart.
Y/N POV:
You cried silently as you made your way out of Natashaās room. All the memories of your moments together flashed through your head.
The first time you guys kissedā¦
You had pulled her away from the party, jealous of seeing some horny bastard trying to get in her pants. You had used the excuse that you needed her help with something, dragging her by the hand to your room. She was confused, but she let you lead the way, laughing when you closed the door.
āY/N, what are youāā She didnāt even get to finish before you grabbed her face and pulled her in for a kiss, not even thinking. You quickly realized what youād done, pulling away and panicking. You didnāt even know if she liked girls, or even you for that matter.
āShitā I-Iām sorryā I didnāt mean toāā You started before she cut you off.
āWhat the hell?ā Natasha asked, feigning annoyance as she watched panic flash across your face. āYou didnāt even give me time to kiss you back.ā Before you could process her words, she pulled you back in, one hand behind your head while the other wrapped around your waist. You were tense, but quickly melted into it, kissing her back. You both pulled away after a few moments, catching your breath while she smirked. āLike that.ā She teased, winking at you and laughing at your flushed out face.
After that, the sneaking started. You both agreed to keep it secret. You understood and were just fine with it. You never officially said the word āgirlfriendsā to each other, but you thought it was implied. You thought she felt the same. Clearly not.
You wanted to go to your room and cry, but you didnāt want to drown in your own thoughts. So you decided on the next best thing. You made your way quietly down the hall before eventually stopping at a door and knocking. You heard soft rustling and footsteps before the door finally opened.
what if i lowkey made natasha romanoff angst where she denies her sexuality even when hooking up with fem!reader for months?? and then they argue and she gets with steve to hide her sexuality further?? and plot twist, steve is doing the same thing, but with bucky!! iāve had this brewing in my head for months
Authorās note: hereās part 2 of this story after like forever. find part one here. enjoy and send requests if you want! (please note, they may take a while to write, but theyāll be in the works and published in due time!)
Warnings: cursing, fighting, jj being drunk, angstttt, mentions of l*ke maybank and abuse
It had been three months since youād left JJ at the chateau. Every time you see him in public, you make eye contact and immediately look away so he doesnāt get any ideas.Ā
JJ on the other hand could barely stop thinking about you. He always wanted to text you, call you, try to get you back, but he never was able to bring himself to do it. He didnāt want you thinking he was weak or vulnerable so you could use it to your advantage. He was always taught to keep himself at a distance so no one could take advantage of him. He always had to be in control. What was he if not strong? He remembered his dadās beatings and how he would make his punches worse when he started crying, telling him to āman the hell up.āĀ
His thoughts ate away at him and he needed a way to get his mind off of it. The very solution came when he heard there was a party over at the beach. He forced himself up and went to where the party was.
Little did he know, you were there too. You didnāt see him as you talked to some other people at the party. He saw you and froze in place for a few seconds. He cleared his throat and decided to try and ignore you.
He eventually decided alcohol was the best distraction from you. That proves ineffective for him. He ends up just noticing you more. What catches his attention however, is when you start smiling and talking with a guy.
If looks could kill, the guy would be dead immediately. He glared at you both as you laughed and the guy started getting touchy with you. Before JJ could process it, before he could stop himself from doing something stupid, he was on top of the guy and landing many blows to his face.
āDonāt fucking touch her!ā He slurs, his punches unrelenting. You immediately grabbed JJ by his shoulders and with effort, pulled him away from the guy who was now bleeding.
āJJ, what the fuck?!ā You scolded as you took him away from the party and to somewhere quieter. āWhat the hell were you thinking?!ā
JJ grunted and avoided your angry gaze as he tried to calm down. He eventually did look at you and his gaze immediately softened even when yours didnāt. He felt his eyes fill with tears. He tried to blink them back. Even when drunk, he didnāt want to be vulnerable. He inevitably failed and felt his knees buckle as he sobbed.
āIām sorryā¦ Iām so s-sorryā¦ Iām a fucking idiotā¦ā He cries, his arms coming up to hug your waist and burying his face into your shirt.
You were taken aback by his sudden show of emotions. You kneeled down to his level and took his face in your hands, making him look at you.Ā
āJJ, are you okay? What is going on?ā You ask, concerned for him. Youād never seen him like this. Not even close. Now he was apologizing.
He averts his eyes away from yours. He looks anywhere except where you are. He canāt look at you.
āIām so fucking stupidā¦ā He whimpers. āI shouldāveā¦ I shouldāve told you how much you meant to meā¦ I shouldāve hugged you and kissed you and given you all the love you deserveā¦ But I was so fucking stupidā¦ I am stupidā¦āĀ
You looked at him with saddened eyes. His cries were so raw, so genuine, it was hard not to hug him. But you figured you shouldnāt until you found out everything.
āYouāre not stupid, JJ. Just tell me everything, okay?ā You prompted. You wanted him to feel safe enough to talk to you.
He took a few ragged breaths before speaking. āI justā¦ It was my dadā¦ He never showed me anything like you didā¦ He never hugged me or showed me any form of affectionā¦ā He explains. āWhen you did, I didnāt know how to show it back without being cold and distant like he doesā¦ I know thatās no excuseā¦āĀ
Your heart hurt when you realized it was his dadās fault. You felt so much empathy for his situation that it was hard to be mad at him anymore. You slowly wrapped your arms around him and held him tight.
He tensed up at your touch for a moment before letting himself melt into it and reluctantly hugging you back.
āIām sorry.ā
āItās okay.ā
āIām an idiot.ā
āNo, youāre not. Donāt ever think that.ā You reassured him.
You two sat there for a while before eventually standing up and walking to the chateau to put JJ to bed. You walked inside and brought him to his room, laying him down on his bed. He groaned and curled up into the messed up sheets.Ā
You smiled softly as you watched him look somewhat at peace while he fell asleep. He looked up at you with those pretty blue eyes of his.
āCan you stay, please?ā He asked, sounding like an innocent little boy.
You couldnāt resist that innocent stare and slowly climbed in next to him. You wrapped your arms around him and he did the same to you, kissing your forehead.
Fast forward a month, and you two officially started dating again. He still struggled to fully show you physical affection but he made more of an effort to try. And as long as you both understood each other, you were both happy.
