At 15 you dont realize you're mourning. Mourning so many people. At 16 I had mourned the life of every girl I'll never get to be. Labeled 'chronically ill'. Labels do things to your brain. They change who you are. I had mourned so much before I ever felt the loss of those around me. At 17 I experienced losing someone. Someone who had lived 96 years on this earth. And then at 18 loss hit me. In a way I never expected and then not again until 27. At 27 my world imploded and my soul broke sooner than it should've had to over my pup. My soul dog- even still not mourning people further than friends of friends or distant family members. Now at 28 my first look at how impactful time can be. Someone who shaped so many of the good and safe memories of my raising. Someone who has always seen me for exactly who I am and still thinks I painted the sky. Someone I've had more time with than most ever get. A loss that is shattering me before it's even happened.
I woke up this morning and knew something wasn't quite right. Don't ask how I knew because I cant answer that. I packed a bag in case I got the call and then the call came but not the one I expected. Now I'm left to grapple with logistics and to cling to the hope that someone in my life will surprise me and make me feel safe.
