dear blog

"Years ago, my mother used to say to me, she'd say, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be oh-so-smart, or oh-so-pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." WARNING: This blog may contain thoughts or feelings.

[smartorpleasant-blog]

I don’t know. Why am I always trying to figure it out?

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There's something happening here. What it is ain't exactly clear. I guess sometimes you gotta go down down down in order to go up up up later.

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I'm having a really good time watching the Office and wearing my tiger onesie, but I would like to have someone to share it with

[smartorpleasant-blog]

it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. someday, it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. someday it will get better. keep remembering that it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will, won’t it?

it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will ge better.it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. it will get better. breathe in and breathe out and i’m sure it will be fine. no that’s not it. it’s just... that it will get better. it will get better. 

it will BE better. it will be better someday. it will all be a lot better. you keep doing you. and it will be better. it will be better. you know where you need to grow. grow there.

[smartorpleasant-blog]

just looked through my main blog’s posts from the past year, 9 pages. there are a couple pictures from a while ago where I look so happy. they’re all in 2014. most of 2015 has felt like such a struggle. mostly just since graduating in may. school feels like forever ago. and I know a big part of it is the weather. it’s been hot since april. it’s been between 80 and 100 degrees for at least five months. with no air conditioner. there’s been almost no rain. I’m fine with that! ... until August is over. and ESPECIALLY when September is over. and it’s predicted to stay this warm through October and fuck I feel like I’m dying. I feel like the world has stopped and it’s all decaying and I’ll never feel good again.

boy oh boy oh boy you are dramatic tonight, mccandless. 

fuck it, I am sick of this heat and I’m sick of the way my life has felt since may and I’m sick of my fears and other people’s fears and if it was just fucking colder I would feel like a real person again, why is that true, why is that true why is that fucking true

I’m tired of feeling lonely and some days are easier than others and I’m taking steps and learning and trying and moving forward and nobody can change the weather. nobody can change the weather. nobody can change the weather. even if this fucking heat is due to climate change, I just have to deal with it right now. 

I feel like I haven’t slept in months. (I haven’t. it’s too hot. it takes forever to fall asleep and I wake up at least twice each night.)

it feels like there’s something I’m missing. an option that would be better. like I’m squeezing myself between blocks when I could just walk on top. 

no wonder I want to go to redondo every weekend. (but if I use my brain I also know that I want to leave redondo every sunday night.)

how did I get stuck here? in this in-between nowhere place? how did I fall down here? what do I want? what will make me feel good again? 

I want a space. I want my own room. 

this is a rough patch. this is a hard time. this is one of those hard times where you feel horrible for a long time and THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO is just keep feeling horrible until things slowly change enough to feel okay.

but what if I’m missing an option?

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can everything be traced back to that big thing shake-up?

all my fears? will we ever be free of it? is this what my play is about? yes.

I just want to shake it off and be genuinely happy. what about my teeth? 

why am I still under the crushing weight and more importantly WAITING of this?

the waiting, the waiting, the waiting, the waiting, the waaaaaaaaiting

the cavalry is not coming. you are living now. it’s 3:30 already. you are in it. 

nudge the walls and they fall down; they are cardboard flats. any moment the suits will walk in and say, “okay, wrap it up, this is done” but I don’t know where they’ll take me because even though this isn’t real, home isn’t either. they’ll pack me in a car and take me back to limbo, and everyone here will pack up and head home. 

home home home home home home home home home.

home.

always home.

maybe I will have to wait until someone feels like home.

maybe I have to finally speak up.

maybe I have to be a mess. or maybe that will drive everyone away.

not a mean thing, like I thought. an open mess. say the secret things, confess feelings. i tried to be messy but it was still tight and clean and just meaner. that’s not it, that’s not it.

i’m so scared.

i don’t know how to ask for help.

[smartorpleasant-blog]

groundspeed replied to your post “didn’t everyone use to be happier? didn’t I use to be a lot happier?...”

I think maybe the purpose of adulthood is re-learning happiness. Plus talk to me if u want! ♡

groundspeed replied to your post“how do we become happy again? how do we become happy again? how do we...”

♡♡♡♡♡

thumbsup4rockandroll replied to your post “how do we become happy again? how do we become happy again? how do we...”

hey, i love you and i'm proud of you and you're gonna find your way sooner or later friend

these things mean a lot and have been really helpful and continue to be really helpful, thank you ♡

[smartorpleasant-blog]

how do we become happy again? how do we become happy again? how do we stop hurting each other? how do I just give and love and allow and not get annoyed? how do I love even when I am annoyed, no, how do I not get annoyed in the first place? how do I love even when I’m suspected of passive-aggression, because you are the one who is passive-aggressive, and it’s not your fault, you have chemicals in your brain that make you scared, and people who hurt you so bad and so deep. how do I love when it hurts? how do we become happy again when it feels so long ago and so far away? I loved you, I loved you, I loved you, I loved you, I loved you, I loved you all so deeply and so passionately and so much. and it feels like so long ago it’s a different life. it feels like if I told someone, they wouldn’t believe me. does that mean it’s that I don’t believe me? it was good. 

it feels like I haven’t been happy in a long, long time. i’m so sad. I miss you. I don’t know how to do this. even when things weren’t good, they were something. there was always something. this feels like nothing. and sadness. 

I’m not going to amend myself anymore. I’m not going to cut myself short. I’m going to fall in love. I’m going to love just like I did when I was small. and when I was a little bigger. and even when I was a little bigger than that. 

I’m that little girl in the sweatshirt with the ribbon in her hair, standing with her family. holding her beloved little brother. I’ve always been that little girl; I’ll always be her, now and forever.

[smartorpleasant-blog]

didn’t everyone use to be happier? didn’t I use to be a lot happier? can I go back to being happy? can we all go back to loving each other and being happy? 

it can’t be healthy for me to associate happiness solely with childhood. I think that may be a big problem I have. 

[smartorpleasant-blog]

note to self: try not to fall in love with gay boys

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things I will not say to you (but are happy inside me)

I like sitting next to you

your face is just really good, you know?

(like I’m trying to remember something) oh hey yeah, question; would you... please... date me?

that one picture of you causes me physical reactions

most pictures of you cause me physical reactions

let’s make out and talk about comedy

at the same time

do you like girls? I think you like me. do you like me? I don’t have a car. would you still like me if I don’t have a car? let’s date

I want to make out with you on your face

[smartorpleasant-blog]

Work in progress that was kinda cool and then really frustrating and then found what it needed to be and maybe is close to done? Yeah. 

Sort of cobbled together from poetry and phrases and images that have been bouncing around for a while. I like it. I think it's called "Chestnut, Berry, Marmalade"

[smartorpleasant-blog]

do you ever just want to yell I DON'T GIVE A SHIT so loud that it reverberates through the universe and into all the things unworthy of having shits given about them

[smartorpleasant-blog]

Miloh decided he wanted to cuddle.

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dump post:

I feel cute. I am wearing a rad outfit with floral and plaid and Darth Vader and my hair is perfect. I am about to go play Fugitive with friends (I'll be on the car team because my knee is still injured from when we played two months ago oops) and it's going to be so much fun. I have been listening to the new Punch Brothers album all day and it seems premature to call it the best P Bros album ever but I think it might be the best P Bros album ever. that guy is back as promised; I'll be seeing him this semester and I'm happy about it. I wondered what it would be like when I inevitably ran into him, what I would say and what he would do. as I predicted, I shouted "Fucker!" as I didn't predict, he was all the good things. he saw me waiting for the bus and pulled over and opened the passenger door for me. he gave me a ride home, and we started catching up, and it was so great, and when we got to my place I thought he'd just drop me off but he found a parking spot and turned off the car and we sat and talked just like old times. we talked there for 45 minutes. and it was clear nothing had changed. I mean, we'd both changed to some degree, as people do, but our dynamic was just as it had been in the good times. for me: all it took was five seconds in the car sitting next to him for me to remember what it was like to be overwhelmingly attracted. for him: he can't keep from moving toward flirting. it was a very nice reminder of how good things can feel. and it was very reassuring that just because I can't seem to be attracted to that great funny guy who likes me and would be good for me and everyone loves -- doesn't mean my attraction mechanism is broken. with old guy back, it feels like something clicked back online. I feel better. I'm glad he'll be around.

[smartorpleasant-blog]

THIS IS THE GUY that was mooning over me at the bar the other night

when I saw this status, I had JUST gotten home from a pre-screening of an action movie (which miserably failed Bechdel) where me and my friends were invited to give feedback at the focus group afterward

"So feminist;) love it;)"

gonna frame this shit

[smartorpleasant-blog]

i wonder, are you really going to be back next semester? i wonder if you still exist? i wonder will my dreams about you become more frequent? i wonder if you ever think about me, but that's an interesting thing: i don't really care. actually, i really don't care. thinking about you and your face and your eyes and your laugh and your talent still makes me feel things, but i don't need you for me anymore. i miss you. i'll always love you as a person. i want you back as a friend. i do not want you back as a lover. i miss you as a presence in the world, as one of the deeply good things. i hope you're better than you were. i miss the way i felt about you. i miss the way you used to look at me, like i was magic. i'm stronger than i used to be. i'm much more okay without you.