I don’t really know where to put this. But I’ve been holding it in for so long I feel like I am going to pop.
It’s been 2 years. I still miss you, I think about you every day. I can’t even begin to apologize for what I put you through. I was so lost and in pain and I had to leave. I was weak, I wish I could have been stronger. It felt like every forward step I made I fell two steps backwards.
I don’t have any excuses. It’s my fault. I let the pills and pressure take control. I was just too lost.
Depression is weird. It doesn’t make any sense and if you haven’t been through it, it’s hard to understand. I wasn’t depressed because of you, but I certainly took it out on you. That is the last thing that I wanted, and it’s not who I am. It sort of felt like being trapped inside of my own head while some psychopath ruined my friendships and pushed everyone I loved away.
When I got back home, I had to be weened off the pills. It was torture. Everything I had been using to numb the pain was gone. Out of reach. And on top of that I had just lost the love of my life. Every dream was a nightmare, every time I closed my eyes I saw your face. I couldn’t stop drinking, I gained 40 pounds in less than 3 months. I couldn’t sleep.
I started a job and I was working with kids, remember how I hated kids? Not anymore. They gave me a reason to get up in the morning, to get dressed, to be my best. But still, it was draining. I would work all day with a painted on smile and tear stained eyes. The second I walked through the door at home I would collapse in a heap and just bawl. This went on for months and months.
I graduated in May of 2017. I got a job offer in June of 2017. I came back in July. Just like I said I would, I came back for you.
I didn’t expect you to be waiting, I think deep down I knew you had moved on. But I didn’t think you would care so little. You had every right to not talk to me or think about me, I wish it was different though.
I’ve dated a handful of people since then, but none of them stacked up. I lose interest in other people within hours of meeting them. It really feels like no one else is good enough.
None of this was your fault. Although we both could have been better, I take most of the blame. I am the reason this happened and I understand that. If I had taken care of my mental health none of this would have come to pass.
It’s been nearly two years now, and with each passing moment the pain dulls and dulls. I don’t think it will ever truly go completely away. But that’s okay, it’s a constant reminder of my mistakes and hopefully I will never repeat them again.
I’m doing pretty well now though. I have a well paying job, I work with families and bring joy to lots of little kids. I have connections to my community and feel fulfilled in my work. I see my friends constantly and we are all happy and well. My beautiful dorky little cat waits by the door for me to get home every day. I am still on my own, but I think that is okay. I’m waiting for someone special and I think we all deserve that.
I wish you nothing but happiness and success in your life. If anyone deserves it, it is you.
I’m so empty all the time. The only two emotions I feel regularly is anger and sadness. I don’t remember the last time I had an extended period of happiness. Every morning I wish I hadn’t woken up. I don’t want to kill myself, I don’t want to hurt the people that say they care about me. But I do wish I was never born, I do wish I could stop existing. I don’t even know what is real anymore and what I make up in my head. Nothing feels fulfilling anymore, no one talks to me anymore, I feel like I am trying to force myself on my “friends” all the time. None of my old hobbies interest me, I’m constantly nauseous and my stomach hurts all the time. I have to shovel pills down my throat to feel even a little normal. I spend more time crying than I spend time outside, but I have no reason to leave my apartment most days. I’m exhausted all the time but I can never fall asleep. This unshakable feeling of loneliness, is hard to even put it into words. Even when I’m with people I feel like they don’t want me around. I don’t want to be like this, I really don’t, I promise. It’s been almost 16 years and I’m still that same little kid with his head buried in his knees on the playground watching everyone else have the time of their lives. I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know how to be better. I’m trying so hard everyday I really am. I study for more than 6 hours most days, I try to connect or reconnect with people but they have more important things in their lives. I see a counselor and a psychiatrist regularly to try to figure this shit out but it doesn’t make much of a difference. I study this stuff, they are telling me things I know. It feels like I’m drowning in my own made up problems all the time. The worst part though? I know it’s all in my head, at least most of it, and only I can fix it.
snowghoul
titsay
jbbartram-illu
blakekathryn
ellievsbear
