Clouded Judgement @smokey-serenity - Tumblr Blog

You are my best friend. The one who knows me best. The one who sees things in me that not even I can see. And I want nothing but for you to be happy. But the selfish part of me wants it to be me that makes you happy. That shares your values, that I thought we shared. Fuck me life is so strange

I can’t pretend like you aren’t the one I want. I can’t pretend like I’m okay with how things are. The way things are going. The direction I feel like our lives are headed. I hate it. I hate this feeling and what comes with it. With each conversation, I feel you slipping little by little and I can’t help but feel like it’s my own insecurity pushing you away.

I want to be better. Do better. But I can’t help but feel like I’m failing. Failing because I feel like I’m losing you. Losing your love. Fuck me I hate this

I guess I’ll be posting on here again since I don’t have anywhere anonymous to say shit.

This fucking sucks. I thought it was figured out and the closer we get to the reality the more confusing everything seems to be. I want to give you the space you need, but fuck do I desperately want to feel closer and more connected to you. Hearing you had feelings for someone else and that you’d be willing to give them a chance fucking sucks. My god that fucking sucks.

I told myself when we got to this point that I’d be more understanding. That I’d be stronger. And here we are, in a place where you need me to be strong and I’m not. I’m failing. I’m faltering. My knees are giving out under the weight of all of my emotions and I’m not sure how to hold on right now. It feels like at any second they’re going to give out. And the only thing that feels like can strengthen me is hearing you tell me that you love me.

You are my best friend. The one I go to with everything. And it feels like you’re slowly fading from my grasp and my god is that heart breaking. I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to give you up. I don’t want you to leave.